Your teen's behaviour

Has your cheerful, sweet-natured child become a surly teenager? It's not unusual but you need to understand why he's behaving in this way. It could be he's trying to shock you, or he can't control himself and has a flood of confusing emotions. Or it may be that when he's with his friends, swearing and rudeness are part of the way they relate to one another.

Dealing with the problem

• Don't ignore the behaviour. You deserve respect and to be spoken to in an acceptable way.
• Talk to your teenager - try to get to the root of the problem.
• Find someone your child trusts - he may be more willing to talk to a family friend, an older sibling or an aunt or uncle.

Changing styles

Many parents are quite controlling with younger children, partly because they have to make most of their decisions for them, but this just won't work with adolescents.

You need to guide your teenager towards adult life and be clear about your limits and boundaries while not enforcing them in an authoritarian way.

Think back to how you felt as a teenager and be tolerant about experimental behaviour.

• Accept you can't control your child with demands, orders and threats.
• Accept your teen is rejecting some of your values and beliefs because he's trying to become an individual.
• Respect his need for privacy and accept he may no longer be prepared to tell you everything.
• Continue to monitor what he does and where he goes - it's not sensible to just let him loose on the world.
• Remember some conflict and battles of will are inevitable.
• State clearly what your boundaries are, but be prepared to review them and negotiate from time to time and gradually loosen the reins.
• Don't use sarcasm or put-downs no matter how tempting.
• As far as possible, allow your teenager to make his own decisions and choices and, occasionally, learn from his mistakes.
• If a rule is deliberately broken, apply fair consequences - a teenager who comes home hours late might have to stay in the next night, but not for the next month.
• When your teenager acts as if he hates you, it's because he's upset and confused, or angry at your attempts to control him.
• Do all you can to stay calm.