Many young people have to cope with bullying, and it can be hard for adults to resolve – whether your child is the one who’s the bully or the one being bullied.
Parenting expert Eileen Hayes wrote this article in February 2004.
Heather Welford last reviewed this article in October 2010.
Bullying includes:
There are often differences of interpretation with some of this behaviour - what's considered gentle teasing by one child might appear as intimidation to another. The key to the difference is that teasing is when the teaser and the person being teased are both having equal fun.
There's no doubt that for some young people, bullying - whatever form it takes - is the most stressful experience of their lives, with sometimes long-lasting effects.
Some refuse to go to school or find excuses to avoid situations where bullying can occur.happen.
At the most extreme level, bullying can on rare occasions lead to suicide or attempted suicide.
Not all young people confide in their parents or a teacher when they’re being bullied.
You might suspect bullying if your child’s behaviour has changed, if they:
If you notice any of these signs, or your child tells you about bullying, there are some measures you can take.
Talk together about how to sort the problem out. If the bullying happens at school, a club or other organisation, your first step is to alert staff to the problem.
Ask your child to tell a trusted adult straight away when bullying happens. Make sure your child warns the bully they're going to do this.
You could find a special listener for your child, such as a playground assistant or school secretary who's around everyday to support them.
Your child's school will have a policy about bullying, which should help you.
Avoid fighting back.The problem may well get bigger if you become angry with the other child or their parent, or if your child attacks the other child in return.
Teach your child about internet privacy, and remind them to keep personal details off the web. If they discovers a fake profile on a social networking site, this can be reported and removed. Text message bullying can be sourced to the perpetrator.
Serious threats, online, by text or in person, should be reported to the police.
Some young people are more likely to be the victims of bullying than others. Those with an obvious physical characteristic, such as being overweight, can become targets, as can those with some form of disability. Those who are shy or diffident, or who find it hard to stand up for themselves, may also be vulnerable. Children who are gay or bisexual, or uncertain of their sexuality, or who are thought to be gay or bisexual by their peers, can suffer like this.
Victims of bullying often feel ashamed of what's happening and blame themselves. It's here that friends and important adults have a key role to play - bullying victims need support to see that it's not their fault and that something can be done to help them.
You can encourage your child to:
Tell your child you love and respect them - when you listen to them you build up their confidence, self-esteem and trust in you.
When bullying happens, most of the attention is focused on the victim. But we need to pay attention to the bully, too. Not all bullies are the same - research has shown there are differences between the ringleaders, the 'henchmen' and the silent observers, for example.
Bullies are often people who've been bullied or abused themselves, and may be vulnerable and angry. A lot can be done to help them deal with their pain and avoid taking it out on others.
Let your child know that bullying is not OK. Be clear about what you mean by bullying behaviour. Work together with others involved such as teachers and parents to make sure the bullying stops.
Let your child know how they should treat other people. You are your child's best teacher, so set an example through your own behaviour. Let your child see you be kind, speak well of others, solve problems without getting angry, be accepting of differences between people such as race, religion, attitudes and so on.
Help your child understand how other children and adults feel. Talk about feelings and ask questions such as: "How did you feel when...?" and "How do you think I felt after...?"
Spend more time with your child. Sometimes children bully because of their own sadness and anger, or after being bullied themselves. When you get closer to your child, you may find they'll share the worries behind the bullying behaviour.
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Aled Haydn Jones talks about what to do if you're being bullied.
A Perfect Ten, Chris Higgins, 2008. A fictional story about Eva, a teenage girl dealing with her grieving mother, anorexia and bullying. A book that explores pressure and anxiety in young girls.
Coping with an Anxious or Depressed Child, Sam Cartwright-Hatton, 2007. Practical ideas for parents on how to cope with an anxious or depressed child.
Finding Jericho, Dave Jeffrey, 2008. An accessible novel about a boy living with an uncle experiencing mental distress, the bullying and stigma they experience & how they overcome it.
I'm Worried (Your Feelings), Brian Moses, 1988. The emotion of anxiety, as it is experienced by young children.
The Incredible Years, Carolyn Webster-Stratton, 2006. A guide for parents with young children, with simple techniques for managing behaviour.
The Secret of Happy Children , Steve Biddulph, 1999. An entertaining book for parents with practical advice and thought-provoking ideas for parenting.
This network of more than 70 organisations provides resources for parents and those caring for young people.
Mind is a mental health charity working in England and Wales. Their website offers specific advice about the causes of low self-esteem and how it can affect people.
Bullying UK offers help to young people, parents and schools so that they can deal with bullying.
CyberMentors is a place young people can go to get help and support from volunteers of a similar age.
Stars including Alesha Dixon, Cheryl Cole and Kano offer tips for building confidence and using your attitude to curb bullying.
Beatbullying offer parents advice on how to assess if a child is being bullied and practical steps to take if they need help.
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