Children and friendships

Friendships can be a wonderful source of strength emotionally for children, and help their developing self-confidence.

After the age of nine or so, many children have a 'best friend' and may form intense, longer-lasting friendships on the basis of a variety of shared interests and things in common.

Your child may be happy with just one friend, or be extremely popular with a large circle of friends. Alternatively, he may seem perfectly content on his own - sometimes because he has interests that are different from most other children his age, whether older or younger.

If he's happy with the situation, that's fine. You only need to worry if he seems upset about rejection by friends.

What if your child has trouble making friends?

This can cause enormous anxiety. It's right to worry if your child seems upset by a constant lack of friends. This can mean they're more vulnerable - not just to loneliness and low self-esteem - but to later problems such as lower academic achievement, or even eating disorders and depression.

Shyness or aggression can prevent children from making friends, but there are children who are neither and who just seem to be loners.

Not all of these children are troubled by it, so it's important not to overreact. While the vast majority of children do rely heavily on their friendships, there are some who seem quite happy without this, and many grow into resourceful, creative adults.

Tips

• Encourage your child - talk to him about friendships, share memories of your childhood friends and ask your child's views about his.
• Teach social skills and sociable behaviour - explain to your child how to understand non-verbal and verbal cues, for example, someone smiling at him or making a jokey remark. Your child may be misinterpreting these and miss opportunities to make friends. Your child may overreact to teasing, or pressure others to play when they've said "no". You can even use role play to show your child, for example, how to make eye contact and to smile to show he's friendly. Your child could also practise saying something like: "Hello I am Sam, would you like to play?"
• Teach basic social rules - not to snatch things, or hit others and how to share and co-operate, and ensure your own behaviour gives a good example.
• Make your child's friends welcome in your home - don't judge your child's choices too harshly or force him to play with children you choose.
• Make an effort to talk to other parents at school - this encourages children to get to know each other.
• Find local activities, where your child will have opportunities to make friends outside of school, such as cubs, a drama group or swimming lessons.
• Show love - this is invaluable as it helps bolster your child's confidence, even if there are occasional friendship difficulties. Never show up your child or tell him off in front of friends.
• Try not to interfere too much in matters connected with your child's friendships and social life - he should have the chance to sort these out in his own way whenever possible.

Bad company

You may worry about your child getting in with a 'bad' crowd or making 'unsuitable' friends. This can be quite tricky because any moves you make to ban such friendships usually only make a child more determined to carry on with them. It's better to allow the friendship and to keep an eye on things, especially when in your own home. You can stress they must stick to your house rules - for example, no swearing or hitting.

Safety advice

• Don't let your child go off alone unsupervised - especially with a friend you feel uncomfortable about.
• Be wary of groups you don't feel happy about - boys especially can be led on into much worse behaviour when a 'gang' is egging them on.

Make sure you always know where your child is - have clear rules that they must come and tell you before moving on somewhere else.