Building confidence in children

School life and friends may give confidence a knock.

Help give your child a boost with these ideas:

• Believe in your child and show it - let her know she's a worthwhile, lovable individual.
• Give praise and positive feedback - your child measures her worth and achievements by what you think of her. "Well done, that was hard, and you managed it" is music to young ears. Reassure your child that it's OK to make mistakes and that it's all part of growing up.
• Practise active, reflective listening - listen carefully, repeat what you've heard to make sure you understand and give positive prompts to encourage your child to continue.
• Acknowledge your child's feelings - and help her express them verbally.
• Criticise behaviour, not your child - it's very easy to fall into this trap, but too much criticism tells your child she's a bad person and is causing things to happen because of her own stupidity. This is very damaging if it goes on for a long time. Be clear that it's an action you're angry about or behaviour you don't like.
• Respect your child's interests, even if they seem boring to you - take a genuine interest in your child's friends, and what's happening at school, and comment to show you're listening.
• Accept any fears or insecurities your child expresses as genuine - even if they seem trivial to you, don't just brush them aside. If your child says, "I'm useless at maths" say "You're obviously finding maths a struggle, how can I help you?".
• Encourage independence - encourage your child to take chances and try new things. Succeeding gives a huge boost to confidence, and sometimes your child will need to learn by her mistakes.
• Laugh with your child - never at her.
• Focus on your child's successes - swimming, music, whatever she can succeed at.

Are you helping or hindering?

You've warned your child she shouldn't walk across the carpet carrying a cup full of milk and her dinner. She does it anyway, but trips and spills it. It's tempting to say: "Now look what you've done. I told you that you couldn't do it."

Comments such as this make your child feel even worse than she does already for failing at something. Instead, try to give support by saying something like: "Oh no, you tried, but it didn't work. Never mind. Next time you could carry them one at a time."

It's not only the critical things said directly to your children that can undermine confidence. If your child overhears you tell someone that "she's got two left feet" or "she's so clumsy" they might think you really believe this and feel it can't be changed.

Things you say about yourself can damage your child's self-esteem. Children learn a great deal from copying adults close to them. If you overreact to situations or pressure, your child may worry you really can't handle life's challenges. This won't set your child an example of a positive, optimistic attitude to life and how to handle problems.

Think before you speak and choose your words with care - it's very easy to say something without thinking, and then wish you hadn't. "You're so clumsy" or "Don't be stupid" can be said in an irritated moment when the cereal is spilled or an innocent question is asked. Too many negative remarks like this can result in children believing they're useless or stupid.

All the following can damage a child's confidence:

• Saying you don't love them
• Saying you wish they'd never been born
• Insults or unkind remarks
• Deliberately ridiculing things your child does or feels
• Cruel teasing and sarcasm
• Endless nagging
• Aggressive shouting and swearing