Children and bullying

Heather Welford last reviewed this article in October 2010.

Bullies and children who are bullied are both victims.

A bully may:

• Tease or hit another child or other children, or encourage other children to do so
• Demonstrate a lot of angry behaviour or displays of temper
• Defy parents or teachers

A victim of bullying may:

• Find it hard to join in with friends
• Be taken advantage of or teased by other children
• Show some helplessness or be easily upset
• Be timid, shy or different in some way

If you think your child may be a bully

• Teach them about respecting other people's rights - don't just assume your child will know this. Constantly stress how others feel, and how important it is not to do things that make other people feel bad – you may need to explain this carefully at times. Try to teach your child to treat others as they would like to be treated.
• Have firm rules that don't accept mean or nasty behaviour towards others, and stick to these within the family. Don't use bullying tactics at home to make your child do what you want.
• Teach your child to negotiate. Use role play to teach him how to ask for things he wants rather than forcing his will on others.
• Keep a record of bullying incidents. This will help to identify whether anything in particular is causing your child stress and setting him off.
• Make sure you're positive about all of your child's good, co-operative behaviour, and tell them when you’ve noticed it.

If you think your child may be a victim of bullying

• Explain that bullies are children who may be upset or sad, perhaps because of unhappy events at home.
• Tell your child it's not their fault and explain that no one deserves mean treatment.
• Use role play to teach them how to handle incidents, examples include not showing you're bothered or upset by teasing, saying firmly you don't like it and walking away. You could include practice in not showing you're bothered or upset by teasing, saying firmly you don't like it and walking away.
• Explain there's no shame in just keeping out of the bully's way.
• Listen and talk, take the time to listen to your child's worries about the events in their day.
• Be alert to when things seem to get worse - you may need to intervene.
• Build self-esteem by finding activities your child can be good at.
• Always praise your child, especially for acts of courage.
• Don't overprotect your child, as it may only make them feel more vulnerable and helpless.
• Is your child dominated at home by siblings, for example? If so, maybe he's used to being treated like a doormat. You can help by improving the atmosphere, and behaviour, in the family.

What forms does bullying take?

• Verbal - calling names, sarcastic remarks and put-downs.
• Physical - hitting, pushing.
• Psychological - deliberately excluding from a group, spreading malicious stories.
• Threatening - demands for money or toys.
• Cyber-bullying, using social network sites or even whole websites to victimise.
• Phone bullying, using text messages direct to the child or to circulate bullying messages about him around other children.

If the bullying is serious, you may need to report it to your child's school. Most schools have a bullying policy and should take clear steps to do something about your complaint.

If you're not satisfied, go to the school governors or to your local education authority. If the bullying is very serious, some parents opt to move their child to a different school for a fresh start, or decide to educate at home.

Even children in this younger age group may use text messages or the web - so be aware if your child has a mobile phone or uses the internet, that these forms of communication can extend bullying into the home or non-school time.