Teenage independence

You'll notice your child is working towards more independence from your family. He'll make more of his own decisions - from simple things such as the clothes he wears, to the sports, clubs and hobbies he's interested in. Your child's room will become his haven and his personal interests will show clearly in the posters on the wall, stickers on the wardrobe and the music blaring from the CD player.

Your child may also begin to keep a diary to record the ups and downs of his friendships and, eventually, the start of more intense and intimate relationships. Privacy becomes very important as your child moves through the pre-teen years.

Golden rules

• Respect your child's privacy - knock and wait before going into his room.
• Never read your child's diary, emails, post or eavesdrop on phone conversations.
• Try not to tidy your child's room, unless there's a health hazard!
• Support your child's choices as much as you can - remember when you had fashion disasters or a bad haircut.
• Stick to your guns on issues important to your family. Today's fashions for body piercing and tattoos could be a source of conflict. It's worth thinking through your standpoint before controversial subjects are raised, for example.
• Take your child's problems and dilemmas seriously. You may feel your pre-teen's latest worry is trivial, but to him it's a matter of life and death, so listen and answer carefully. Don't tell your child's worries to other people without his permission. Trust can be broken easily and takes enormous effort to rebuild.

As your child reaches his teenage years, your dilemma will be how much independence to give him. Common questions arise, such as at what age can your child stay home on his own, when can he care for younger brothers and sisters or babysit?

There are no hard and fast answers to these questions - much depends upon the maturity of your 13-year-old.

Remember, you're responsible for your child's supervision. If you have any doubt about how your teenager would react in an emergency or cope without you for even a short time, don't leave him without adult supervision.

Becoming an embarrassment

You can expect to become an embarrassment to your child starting sometime between his ninth and 13th birthday.

You may be asked to drop your child off round the corner from friends and he may begin to try to change how you look so you don't stand out from other parents.

Don't take this personally. Pre-teens react this way because they're trying to appear independent yet still have to rely on you for all sorts of things - permission to go out, transport, pocket money and so on. This tension can result in your child needing you but wishing he didn't.

When he reaches adulthood you'll laugh together about these experiences, so try to take them in your stride while you're in the middle of them.

Becoming independent is the work of your pre-teen and teenage child, but despite his mixed feelings about you, he still needs your love and support with no strings attached. He may not be too keen on a hug these days, but will still appreciate your interest and your love.

This article was last reviewed by Heather Welford in September 2008.