Communicating with your pre-teen

At every age children need their parents to understand how they're feeling. It's your job to make your child feel that she can talk to you about anything going on in her life. You achieve this by listening properly and not leaping in with your own judgements or constantly blaming your child.

Setting up good communication now gives you a head start for the upcoming teen years, when it will become even harder and the topics even more tricky and complicated. Unless you use the pre-teen years to open the discussion on moral issues, sex, drugs, and so on, the teen years are likely to be an endless power struggle. It's also becoming impossible to use the controlling methods that may have worked when she was younger, so effective communication is essential to gain cooperation.

Key principles for good communication

• Communication should be open-ended, not closed. For example: "Tell me about how the school trip went" rather than "Did you enjoy the school trip?"
• It must be a two-way thing. It's not just about you telling your child something or giving advice, but rather listening to her viewpoint and accepting her emotions.
• Reflective listening is the most effective way of communicating with this age group. Recognise, respect and acknowledge your child's views and worries. Look for the emotional meaning that often lies behind words, identify the feeling and feed it back. Say something such as: "So you must have felt angry when that happened." You can also reflect back the content of what your child is saying to clarify points: "You mean your teacher will be leaving at the end of term?"

Are you listening?

Talking is only part of the communication process. Listening is an important skill too.

• Stop what you're doing and give your full attention to your child.
• Make eye-contact.
• Don't interrupt too quickly.
• Give prompts - nodding, smiling, saying "mmms".
• Make it clear that you're always willing to give a sympathetic hearing, whether it's about a falling out with a friend, a failure to make the football team, or disappointing marks in an exam. Stress that making mistakes is the way to learn how to get things right, not just about failure.

Parents often fall into the trap of using communication with pre-teens mainly to give orders or start lecturing a child about shortcomings. They use phrases like: "I told you, you shouldn't do that" or "You should have listened to me." When parents use every opportunity to score points or blame a child in this way, children feel that they can never measure up.

If pre-teens feel all their attempts at communication end up with the same lecture from parents, they'll soon decide that there's no point in trying.

Key tips for communicating well

• If you really don't have time to listen, explain by saying something like: "I'm busy right now, but come back in half an hour and we can talk about it properly."
• Respect the growing need for some privacy with pre-teens. They want to take on more independence, and may not want to tell you everything.
• Gradually loosen the reins, and consider it carefully when your pre-teen tells you that peers are allowed certain privileges that they don't have - staying up later, extra TV or more pocket money - it may be time to review your family rules.
• If you have to overrule your child, do it in a way that respects her right to have her own views, but explain that until she's more mature, there are some decisions you must make for her.
• This is the age to teach about the importance of respecting differences in others, when your child becomes more aware of what goes on in the world outside. Explain that we shouldn't make judgements about other people when we may not have all the facts. Help your child to keep an open mind about other people and their beliefs.
• Talk to your pre-teen about how you feel. "I'm tired from a long day at work" or "I'm excited about the holidays" encourages open communication about her feelings. But never burden her with adult problems, such as relationship or money worries. You shouldn't be seeking emotional support from your child.
• Remember the importance of non-verbal communication. Watch out for when a child seems upset or looks sad. Say: "You seem upset - do you want to tell me about it?"
• Encourage your child to talk in a positive way about herself - for example: "I'm getting better at maths" rather than "I'm useless at maths."
• Guard against the use of sarcasm and put-downs such as "You're stupid" or "How could you do that?" Constantly belittling a pre-teen destroys confidence. Say things such as: "Yes, I see what you mean" or "You do have a point, but... "
• Try to give your pre-teen a 'can-do' attitude as at this age confidence in her own abilities can begin to falter and she can become more aware of shortcomings, or not being as good as others at certain subjects or sports.