Communication breakdown Julia Cole When communication in a relationship breaks down it should be obvious, but many couples endure a state of cold war for a long time before they realise.

In this article

Seven pointers to communication breakdown

What to do next

Useful contacts

If these sound familiar, you may need to take action on the communication front.

1. It's the same old thing. You feel as if the same issues come round again and again. This means you're not dealing with the problems and you're probably ignoring them in the hope they'll go away. Chances are they won't.
2. You turn off. You find yourself mentally shutting off when your partner talks to you. You may find yourself thinking, 'I've heard all this before'.
3. You forget what you said. Your partner says you agreed to something that you have no recollection of. This probably means you didn't listen and you said 'Yes' at some point for a quiet life.
4. You try to get away. You put distance between the two of you when your partner asks to talk. You may leave the room, switch on the TV or read the paper - all signs you fear being asked to take responsibility or make a commitment to something you want to avoid.
5. You avoid physical contact. Whole days can go by without you exchanging any real conversation. Affection may also seem in short supply, with little touching or kissing.
6. You can't make sense of things. A simple discussion quickly becomes confused and complicated, leaving you both feeling exhausted and unable to understand what you need to do next.
7. There's no resolution. You have frequent rows, often on the same subjects. No resolution is achieved and things get brushed under the carpet - until the next time, when they're dragged out to be fought over again.

Review whether your relationship is over or whether you have something worth salvaging.

The Communication and conflict section includes helpful advice on subjects such as resolving issues, productive arguing and learning from your rows, as well as practical exercises to try. And there's more on those nagging relationship issues such as money, holidays and in-laws at Everyday grumbles.

If you can't work things out yourself, impartial advice might help. It could be worth considering counselling.

For more help and support, try:

Relate
Offers face-to-face relationship counselling for couples and single people as well as phone and online advice.
Tel: 0845 130 4016
Website: www.relate.org.uk

National Family Mediation
A network of local family mediation services in England and Wales offering help to couples, married or unmarried, who are in the process of separation and divorce.
Tel: 01392 271 610
Website: www.nfm.org.uk

One Plus One
Independent research organisation that does research into marriage and relationships and develops projects to support couples and families.
Tel: 020 7553 9550
Website: www.oneplusone.org.uk

This article was last medically reviewed by Dr Rob Hicks in April 2007.
First published in October 1997.