Helping bereaved children

Breaking the news

It's never easy to break the news of a death to a child. If the child isn't told, he or she may be left confused, possibly imagining things worse than the reality. It's therefore important that:

• you, as a parent, or someone known to and trusted by the child tells him or her of the death soon after it's occurred, using touch to comfort and console.
• you use simple, factual words or phrases such as 'dead' or 'has died' to avoid confusion in the child's mind. Phrases such as 'going to heaven', 'slipped away' or 'God has taken him' can be frightening or misleading.
• you answer a child's questions truthfully and as often as they're asked, and admit to not knowing the answer to a question if necessary.
• you practise open and honest communication at all times. Shedding tears is normal and indicates to the child how much the dead person meant to you.
• you inform your child's school of the death and ask for the support of individual teachers as necessary.
• you accept children as bereaved people and don't push them aside.

Children and dead bodies

It can be important for adults to see the dead body as long as they feel comfortable. It reinforces the 'deadness' and confirms that the person is no longer living. To say goodbye not only emphasises the finality of death but is also a natural reaction to someone leaving us.

Like adults, children - even young ones - need to make choices after gentle preparation. They too may want to say goodbye, place a favourite toy or flowers in the coffin, or write a letter of farewell.

Children at funerals

A funeral is a special family occasion, which marks the end of someone's life and gives children an opportunity to be involved with the rituals. Children need to be prepared in advance so that they know what to expect and to choose whether they want to attend.

There's no evidence to show that children who go to funerals are harmed; in fact, the opposite is true. If they choose not to go, a trusted adult should be with them while the funeral takes place. Perhaps the service could be recorded or filmed for use at a later stage.

For support, contact:

• Winston's Wish
• The Clara Burgess Centre, Westmoreland House, 80-86 Bath Road, Cheltenham, GL53 7JT
• Tel: 01242 515157
• Helpline: 0845 203 0405 (Mon-Fri 9-5pm)
• Website: www.winstonswish.org.uk
• Support for bereaved children and their parents or carers.

• Childline
• Tel: 020 7239 1000; 0800 1111 (24-hour helpline)
• Freepost NATN1111, London E1 6BR
• Website: www.childline.org.uk

• Childhood Bereavement Network
• Tel: 020 7843 6309
• Website: www.childhoodbereavementnetwork.org.uk

• Child Bereavement Charity
• Tel: 0845 357 1000 (information and support line)
• Website: www.childbereavement.org.uk
• Grief Encounter
• Tel: 020 8446 7452
• Website: www.griefencounter.org.uk