Death of a partner

Being widowed in old age

Unfortunately, unless a couple die together, widowhood is the inevitable conclusion to all partnerships or marriages that don't end in divorce or separation.

When one partner dies, you lose the love of your life - the person on whom you rely for physical and emotional support. On a practical level, there may be an assortment of tasks and needs which now may be left unattended. Filling these roles, alone and unsupported, can be an overwhelming task in itself. If one partner has always dealt with, for instance, all the couple's financial matters or their domestic chores, the one left behind may find it difficult to manage.

Coping alone

Being bereaved means that you're no longer a wife, husband or partner, but a widow or widower. The words sound harsh and take a while to adapt to. Adjusting to the loneliness of being single can be a major problem, because as you get older it can be more difficult to make new friends.

Religious beliefs and church communities may provide support for some, although many believers may feel angry with God.

Some people find it difficult to think positively about the future and may begin to fear for their personal safety living alone in a house. Thoughts of taking your own life may cross your mind. Many people have suicidal feelings, so you're not alone in feeling this way. Do share these feelings with someone you trust, be it a GP, friend or family member.

Being widowed when young

The death of a younger partner can be particularly painful as it's so untimely. Friends may avoid you because they don't know how to react or what to say to you. You may have to take the initiative, even when you feel least like it.

Being the sole earner for the family may be initially daunting. If you have children, you not only have your own grief to cope with, but theirs as well. While children may be a comfort, it can be hard to make time for them and to be sensitive to their needs. The increased responsibility of bringing up children on your own may seem overwhelming.

Moving on

Towards the end of the first year the intensity of grief will ease and you may begin to form new relationships. Many people enter a new relationship just for companionship, although some may feel guilty about this. Others may choose to stay alone.

Everyone is unique but healing takes time and energy, so don't rush into a new relationship as this in itself brings a period of adjustment.

Support and information

• For support groups, see Bereavement counselling.
• Cancer BACUP can provide counselling to those bereaved through cancer.
• The Citizens Advice Bureau can help with practical, legal and financial matters.
• OPAS, The Pensions Advisory Service, can help with queries on bereavement allowance.
• The DSS produces a leaflet, New Bereavement Benefits, obtainable by calling 0845 731 3233.
• The Inland Revenue has produced a free leaflet, IR91: A Guide for Widows and Widowers, obtainable from any tax office.
• You may be eligible for housing benefit to help with rent or council tax. See DSS leaflets RR1: Help With Housing Costs, and RR2: Housing Benefit and Council Tax Benefit, both available from your local benefits office.
• For help with funeral costs, see Paying for the funeral.