Sexual communication

Sex is incredibly difficult to discuss, despite the vast range of words to choose from and the huge number of sexual images that surround us. But, if you want a good sexual relationship you'll need to be able to talk about it.

Communicating

With good communication you can create the four ingredients of good sex, which build on the initial chemistry of attraction:

expressing affection
finding a mutual vocabulary
communicating likes and dislikes
negotiating and compromising

Of course, it's possible to be sexually attracted to someone without feeling much affection for them. Attraction is communicated through body language and eye contact. Affection is expressed through body language, too, but needs to be backed by talking about feelings.

Many people have difficulty expressing emotions, particularly if they come from a background where feelings aren't discussed. At the other end of the scale, some people need to be reassured that the affection they feel is mutual before they can feel relaxed enough to get the fullest enjoyment from sex.

Expressing a common language

Once you've got as far as the bedroom - or wherever you agree you'd like to have sex - the whole experience will be better for you both if you can communicate likes and dislikes. This means stating things in ways that neither of you finds embarrassing, distasteful or silly.

Establishing this vocabulary doesn't happen quickly or in some sort of formal sit-down discussion. It develops with time and trust - and it needs each of you to develop awareness of and sensitivity to the responses of the other.

You'll begin to understand what your partner enjoys, which does not always need to be communicated verbally. But if you share a vocabulary, openness and trust, when you want to ask your partner either to do something specific or to stop it, you won't feel too self-conscious. You'll be aware of the things that give your partner pleasure, and you may be willing to indulge in them. You'll also have a clear idea of which things you're not prepared to engage in.

This article was last reviewed in September 2006.
First published in June 2000.

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