Suicidal feelings James Tighe To take one's own life is probably the single most extreme expression of hopelessness that any person can make. If you're considering suicide, please follow this link before you make any firm decision.

In this article

If you're considering suicide

What to do if someone discusses suicidal feelings with you

It's important to distinguish between impulsive acts of self-harm and planned, organised attempts to end your own life. In most suicides, the person has taken steps to ensure they aren't discovered until afterwards.

Having said that, most people contemplating suicide do try to raise the subject with a relative, friend or doctor.

Unemployed men living on their own are the most likely to commit suicide. While about one per cent of deaths in the UK are because of suicide, this number is higher for people with:

• depression
• alcohol or drug problems
• schizophrenia
• personality disorders
• long-term physical illnesses.

If you're reading this, you're probably in a lot of pain emotionally or physically, or both. No one takes the decision to end their life without believing there is very good reason. Many people feel that the burdens they have to bear outweigh their coping resources.

But before you finally decide, please consider these points:

1. By reading this page you've already put space between your suicidal feelings and your actions. It's worth making more space, and putting off the decision until you've spoken to someone who might be able to help you with your pain. Don't burden yourself by trying to cope alone. Just talking about how you came to feel this way releases a lot of pressure, which might be exactly the additional coping resource that you need.
2. Be careful who you speak to about your feelings. Some people simply won't understand. They may feel frightened or angry - this has more to do with their state of mind than yours - and may make your pain worse. But there are people who understand and can help you through this traumatic time. One option is getting in touch with your local community mental health team (you can reach them via your GP or your local accident and emergency department). If you're worried that they'll force you to go to hospital, then try the Samaritans.
3. Feeling suicidal is in itself a traumatic experience, quite apart from the circumstances that led you to feel this way. Once you've got through this, it's absolutely essential that you continue to look after yourself and get the support that you need. The Samaritans or Mind can put you in touch with support groups in your area.
4. You could also try Maytree, a sanctuary for the suicidal, a place where, during a brief stay, a person will find the support that can alleviate their despair and isolation. You can phone Maytree on 020 7263 7070.

If a friend or relative comes to you with feelings of depression or hopelessness, then you're clearly seen as someone who's sensitive and who can be trusted. It may not feel like it at the time, but it's quite a compliment if someone feels able to talk to you about this. Try to remember the following points:

• They have come to you because of the person you are - don't try to be any different.
• There are no 'right' things to say. If you're genuinely concerned, you will show it without having to put on an act.
• Try to remain calm and be sympathetic. Don't argue, try to solve problems or give advice. A problem that may seem not so bad to you could be a major life trauma for someone else.
• Rather than trying to find the right thing to say, encourage the other person to talk about how they feel - and listen. Don't be afraid of silences. Ask questions that need more than a "yes" or "no" answer. Letting the person unload their feelings will probably make them feel much better.
• Statements such as "I want to go to sleep and never wake up," or "I feel so low, I can't go on like this" may suggest suicidal feelings. If this does happen, ask in a calm, clear manner: "Are you thinking about suicide?" You're not putting the idea in their head. If they haven't considered suicide they'll probably just dismiss the idea. If they have considered it they'll probably feel relieved that someone has realised just how desperate they're feeling.
• If they answer "yes", ask how far they've got in planning their suicide. Have they worked out the 'how,' 'where,' and 'when?' If they've worked out two or more of these they are probably seriously considering suicide. Continue to offer a listening ear and sympathy, but also be clear that they need to get professional help. They may well be nervous about doing so, but an offer to go with them could be enough to persuade them to go. You could try your family doctor, your local community mental health team, the Samaritans or Mind.

This article was last reviewed in September 2006.
First published in June 2000.