Expert advice
Coping with Christmas

Christmas should be a fun time of year, but many of us find it difficult to cope with the demands of the season. Christmas can put pressure on your finances, emotions and cause difficulties within relationships. During Hard Christmas counsellors from Relate, an organisation that offers relationship guidance; Samaritans who provide emotional support; and the Consumer Credit Counselling Service, who offer debt advice, responded to people's questions about how to survive this time of year. You can read their responses below.

Find a list of support organisations that offer support at Christmas here.

Sandra: My daughter who has never been in trouble in her life was caught selling drugs earlier in the year and this Friday will go to court where she will be sentenced to prison. How can I cope with this? I have 2 other children and it will be hard that there sister will not be there. I feel just like ending my life, I live with their father. It is tearing us apart. I need some help to come to terms with what I am going through at the moment. What can I do?

Julia, Samaritans:
I am very glad you felt able to share such a difficult time with us. You seem to feel responsible for your daughter's actions and the effect it will have on the whole family, particularly when Christmas is supposed to be a 'family' time. Have you spoken to them about how you feel?

You spoke about your Mother and not having come to terms with her death ­ are you able to share your thoughts and feelings with your partner? We all deserve to have help at certain times in our life when things get too much to cope with. Perhaps it would help you to contact us again to talk things through before the court hearing, and we could contact you afterwards to offer our support.

Please feel you can contact us at anytime, especially as you say you feel like ending your life. Our telephone lines are open 24 hours a day and someone will always be there to talk to you, especially over the Christmas period when things may become difficult for you, our phone number is 0845 7 90 90 90 and support email is jo@samaritans.org

Francesca: My mum has got severe depression and I thought she was getting better, but as it is getting closer to Christmas she is getting worse. Both my brothers are spending Christmas at their houses and it is getting hard for me to cope with my mum. I know she is going to go straight to bed after we have eaten on Christmas Day, what can I do?

Julia, Samaritans:
Christmas can be a hard time of year for people. It sounds as though you are going through a lot with your mum. Caring for someone with severe depression can be very difficult. Does it feel as though your brothers are supporting you in caring for your mum?

You've said that it's getting hard for you to cope; I wonder how you are dealing with these feelings. Do you ever feel as though you can't go on? Do talk to us if you feel it will help you over this time.

Samaritans is here to support you whilst you are going through this difficult time and will be available 24 hours a day throughout the Christmas period, our phone number is 0845 7 90 90 90 and support email is jo@samaritans.org

Meg: My husband died in September after he committed suicide. It was a big shock and I have had no counseling at all. My sister died at Christmas last year, so this Christmas I just don't want to do anything. But, my family will be here for Christmas day so I have to make an effort. Can you please give me some tips on how to cope with this emotional time?

Paula Hall, Relate:
Coping with a double tragedy like yours would be tough at any time but perhaps especially difficult if you feel you should be celebrating the festive season. I'm sure your family understand that this is a very difficult time for you and will be supportive and understanding if you need some time to yourself. You might find it helpful to break the Christmas period down into time chunks. Set aside time when you'll relax, time when you'll talk to friends and family and times when you'll try to lose yourself into the festivities. But also make sure there are chunks of time when you let yourself grieve. Taking time to cry or shout or just stare out of the window is all part of the natural healing grief process. I'd also highly recommend that you make it a New Year's resolution to see a counsellor.

Mike: My son Thomas does not want to know me - I know where he is but I am afraid of yet another rejection if I try to get in touch. He is twenty five years old but we have been estranged for 10 years.

Mo Kurimbokus, Relate:
You have to make a decision as to how much you really want to have him in your life. If it means that much to you, then you have to be prepared to be rejected, again and again. Don't give up trying and give him and yourself a chance to reconcile.

Write to him, letting him know that you are there for him. Do not pressurise him into accepting you, but let him know how you feel and that you want him in your life. Be honest, explain what went wrong. Do not make excuses for yourself if it was your fault and do not seek to blame someone else. If you are sorry that you have not been available for the best part of 10 years, let him know that you are sorry.

He is now old enough to make his decisions and you must be prepared to accept it, whatever it may be. But you should let him know that you are there for whenever he is ready to let you into his life, and that you are prepared to give him as much time as he needs. Remember though, he may never come round, so be prepared yourself for that too.

Stephanie: For the second Christmas in a row I will spend Christmas alone as my family cannot accept my decision to transition to female. I wish families would understand that trans-sexuality is nothing to worry about, that a loved one has no choice but to transition, as the alternative is too frightening to contemplate i.e. suicide.

Mo Kurimbokus, Relate:
Trans-sexuality is still very much a taboo and it is a difficult thing for some people in society to accept. I suggest you write to your family and explain how you feel, how much you miss them, how lonely you are without them and how much they mean to you.

I wonder if they are aware of how tough it has been and still is for you, how difficult the decision that you made was and that the only alternative for you would have been suicide. It was a difficult decision and journey, but you had to be true to yourself and you need to let them know this. This is not about trying to embarrass them or to make their lives difficult in any way; this was purely about you and your coming to terms with your true self. It does not change how you feel about them.

It will take time for them to come round, so be patient and be prepared for them to express their hurt, anger and disappointment. At the end of the day, let them know that what you were hoping for is unconditional love from them.

Tanya: I am a single mum to a 5 year old girl. I suffer from depression and self harm and we have never spent Christmas alone. But this year we will be alone because we have fallen out with my family and my father has cancer. Please help me.

Gerald, Samaritans:
I am so sorry to read that things are not good between you and your family. It sounds as though it is not a situation you can 'patch up' and you are quite resigned to spending Christmas alone except for being with your daughter.

It will be especially difficult for you because your father has cancer, and perhaps you are thinking he may not be around for much longer.

It will also be tough for you because you suffer from depression and a tendency to self harm. I can quite understand why you will not want to get out of bed.

I hope that you will stay in touch while you are feeling so unhappy. Our usual service will continue over the Christmas period. We can, and want to be here for you during this difficult time. You can ring Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 or email jo@samaritans.org for 24 hour confidential emotional support.

Jeannie: This Christmas will be very difficult to cope with as my husband of 28 years passed away in September. I still miss him.

Barbara, Samaritans:
We're so sorry about the recent loss of your husband. I am sure it will be very strange and difficult for you this Christmas. Do you have any family that can support you over this difficult time? Would you like to talk to Samaritans about how you are feeling? You can ring Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 or email jo@samaritans.org for 24 hour confidential emotional support.

C: Why does family always seem to die at Christmas, or if not die they are too ill to celebrate the season?

Barbara, Samaritans:
It can appear to be like that can't it? Maybe it is because of the extreme opposites of sorrow and celebration that highlights illness and loss. Have you lost somebody, would you like to talk about it? If you feel it would help you please ring Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90 or email jo@samaritans.org for 24 hour confidential emotional support.

Annonymous: Last Christmas I had an affair with my son's best friend whom we had invited around for Christmas. I have kept this from my son all year round and now he is asking if his friend can come over again. I'm too ashamed to say yes, but feel guilty for lying to my son. Should I tell my son what happened last Christmas?

Denise, Relate:
Whenever someone has an affair, there can be a sense of shame, embarrassment and guilt - these are natural feelings to have and they are also a consequence of the behavior. Lying to your son has probably compounded these feelings. Telling your son may help you to feel better but you have to consider the fallout from such a disclosure. Who would benefit from coming clean? This may be a secret that you have to live with.

You have to ask yourself what precipitated the affair and be sure that you have worked through any problems in your other relationships that may have led to this happening. If you are sure that it is unlikely to happen again should your son's friend come round, then a conversation with the friend may be in order - he could be feeling equally awkward. The friendship between your son and his friend should be allowed to run its natural course

Susie: My partner and I have been together for 9 years and have a 4 year old son. We have been rowing over the last few months as I did not agree with his discipline of our son. He walked out on us the week before Christmas and I don't know how to cope, or tell my little boy. He has made very little contact since he left and I feel so hurt I can hardly speak to him. What should I do for my little boy, tell him or keep Christmas as normal as possible?

Denise, Relate:
It is always very sad when a family separates, and feels more poignant at this time of year. Regardless of the differences between you and your husband it is important that you both work together to put your son centre stage. This means that the two of you have to put your differences aside to work for the best interests of your son. This is easier said than done, especially when emotions are running high; do you have friends or family that could act as an intermediary? It is the responsibility of both parents to talk to their child(ren), using age appropriate language, to explain what is happening.

I wonder if your arguments were all about the disciplining of your son, I know it can be very difficult to talk to your husband at this time, but you owe it to yourself, the marriage and your son to try. It can feel as if you have failed in some way when a partner leaves and this can make it uncomfortable to manage.

At this time draw on the support of family and friends, and give Relate a call and make an appointment to see a counselor, ask your husband if he will come with you, it is sometimes easier to talk when there is a non-judgmental and objective person present.

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