Asking for trouble from its title onwards, Botched makes a valiant stab at combining knockabout comedy and grisly horror, but misses both by a mile. Starring not one, but two patron saints of the bad movie - box-office kiss-of-death Stephen Dorff and serial flop-maker Sean Pertwee - it's a lumbering slice of gory farce that lacks the resources to achieve a fraction of its ambitions. The result feels like a cut-price Severance, with far fewer laughs and no Danny Dyer.
When a diamond heist he organised goes disastrously awry, professional thief Ritchie Donovan (Dorff) is packed off to Russia by his angry boss (Pertwee) to steal a jewel-encrusted cross from a Moscow penthouse. Thanks to the incompetence of unhinged accomplice Peter (Jamie Foreman), he soon finds himself trapped on the 13th floor with a bunch of hostages. To make matters worse, they are all at the mercy of a murderous descendant of Ivan the Terrible who takes a sadistic pleasure in impaling, decapitating and dismembering.
"This is getting out of hand!" sighs Dorff with a sense of world-weary resignation that will be all too familiar to any punter who decides to give Kit Ryan's caper the benefit of the doubt. Okay, so the sheer quantity of gruesome detail (an amputated hand here, a fridge full of human innards there) ensures we are seldom bored. In the end, though, there's only so much slack you can give a film that wears its cheapness and ineptitude like badges of honour.
Botched is out in the UK on 18th April 2008.