"View From the Top" is a disaster movie set in the airline industry. Actually, that's wrong: "View From the Top" is a disastrous movie set in the airline industry. It's really a comedy, although you'd be hard-pressed to tell from the stony-faced silence it's likely to induce.
Grounded, after 9/11 made an airline comedy seem somewhat tasteless, this has been gathering dust ever since. Several jokes (a gag about terrorists and a song-and-dance number) have subsequently been trimmed and pieced together in the outtakes reel that accompanies the end credits.
Chances of you actually staying long enough to see that, though, are pretty slim.
Gwyneth Paltrow plays dim-witted, trailer-trash blonde donna Jensen. She follows her ambition to become a flight attendant, training with best friend Christine (Christina Applegate, underappreciated as ever) at Royalty Airlines, under the watchful cross-eyed gaze of Mike Myers' bonkers instructor.
Is it a rom-com, a success story or an "Airplane!"-style spoof? After 87 minutes you'll be hard pressed to give a damn. Playing against type (one can only hope) as the bottle-blonde, Paltrow squeezes herself into all kinds of ridiculous outfits while trying to remain equal parts perky and ditzy.
The obvious point of comparison is "The Sweetest Thing" meets "Catch Me If You Can", which ought to be warning of turbulence ahead.
But if that's not enough to convince you that this turkey will never be able to fly, the guff about a woman having to choose between her career and her man (love interest Mark Ruffalo) ought to do it. Or at least make you reach for the sickbag.
Just be glad cinemas don't come with 'remain seated' signs - that means at least you can get up and leave any time you want.
"View From the Top" is released in UK cinemas on Friday 29th August 2003.