We Are Family

"Spy Kids 2" marks the return of elementary espionage moppets Carmen and Juni Cortez. While most brothers and sisters devote any free time to the fine art of the Chinese Burn, there are those like Carmen and Juni for whom the family bond is just that little bit more fraught...

Film: "The Addams Family"
Siblings: Wednesday (Christina Ricci) and Pugsley Addams (Jimmy Workman)
Trauma: The creepiest brood on the block routinely stalk each other with meat cleavers under the approving eye of their ghoulish parents.
Someone call a psychiatrist: Wednesday constructs an electric chair and persuades her clueless brother to sit in it so they can play a game. "What's it called?" he asks, tightening his own straps. She turns to him, face impassive. "It's called... is there a God?"

Film: "Jeepers Creepers"
Siblings: Trish (Gina Philips) and Darry Jenner (Justin Long)
Trauma: Sharing a car home from college, the pair spot a cloaked figure dumping bodies down a pipe. Contrary to all laws of common sense, they return to investigate.
Someone call a psychiatrist: "Once it has the scent of something it likes, it can't stop," a psychic informs the siblings, now hunted by a flesh eating creature of absolute evil. The stink in question? Darry's soiled underwear.

Film: "The Others"
Siblings: Anne (Alakina Mann) and Nicholas Stewart (James Bentley)
Trauma: Trapped within a rambling mansion due to a rare allergy to sunlight, two posh kiddies and their mildly hysterical mom sense a supernatural presence.
Someone call a counsellor: Little miss clever-clogs teases her brother as they study the Bible by candlelight. "I don't believe that the Holy Spirit is a dove," Anne tells him. "Doves are anything but holy." Nicholas agrees: "They poo on the window."

Film: "The Royal Tenenbaums"
Siblings: Margot (Gwyneth Paltrow), Chas (Ben Stiller), and Richie Tenenbaum (Luke Wilson)
Trauma: A trio of child prodigies seek refuge in drugs, leisurewear, and facial hair following the departure of their father.
Someone call a psychiatrist: Margot, she of the panda eye make-up and rotary fag habit, embarks on a sluttish sexual quest to the frustration of brother/would-be lover, Richie.

Film: "Halloween: H20"
Siblings: Laurie Strode (Jamie Lee Curtis) and Michael Myers (Chris Durand).
Trauma: Following the slaughter of family and fools at the deranged whim of her masked brother, Laurie fakes her own death and decamps to lead a new life.
Someone call a counsellor: When Michael inevitably resurfaces, Laurie explains the family line to her teenage son. "Wait a minute...slow down...you're telling me Michael Myers is my uncle? Any other psychotic relatives I should know about? Jason? Freddy Krueger?"

Film: "Return of the Jedi"
Siblings: Princess Leia Organa (Carrie Fisher) and Luke Skywalker (Mark Hamill)
Trauma: A haughty royal minx and sabre-wielding sand runt are revealed to have shared a womb - once upon a time, in a marketing campaign long, long ago.
Someone call a counsellor: Weary with a barrage of innuendo from the clearly gagging-for-it Han Solo, Leia grabs Luke and plants a smacker on his lips. Somewhere, a pubescent Brookside scriptwriter takes note...