While the world gasps in amazement at the news of the new "Star Wars" episode - "Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones", here is your useful set of arguments when it comes to convincing starry-eyed, young-middle-aged clods clutching their original Greedo action figures and cuddly Banthas that their entire life is based on a contemptible lie. May the Force be with you.
- Jar-Jar Binks
- Ewoks - was this a Lucasfilms attempt to copyright teddy bears?
- Wholesale wastage of British acting talent.
- "Return of the Jedi". The whole film.
- Did we mention Jar-Jar Binks?
- Pre-acting classes Harrison Ford, never more convincing than when frozen in a block of solid goo.
- Bun-like ear muffs as a female hairstyle, no more flattering for Natalie Portman than Carrie Fisher.
- Dialogue along the general lines of "travellin' through hyperspace ain't like dustin' crops, boy!"
- That special edition re-release with the dodgy CGI Jabba the Hutt spliced in.
- Establishing the law that the biggest box office goes to the stupidest films.
- Jar-Jar Bloody Binks!
- Wholesale wastage of Samuel L. Jackson.
- Fast-food merchandising tie-ins.
- The cluttering up of the SF shelves at your local bookshop with worthless tie-in junk passed off as novels.
- Princess Leia's slave girl outfit in "Return of the Jedi" aside, the remarkable lack of sexiness. There's more steam in ten minutes of "Flash Gordon" than in all four "Star Wars" films to date.
- Anyone remember "Caravan of Courage: The Ewok Adventure" and "Ewoks: Battle for Endor", episodes seven and a half and eight and a quarter?
- Not including a proper death scene for Peter Cushing.
- Delaying Mark Hamill's discovery of a true career as a voice-over artist playing comic book villains (he's the best-ever Joker).
- Murderous syntax of the contrived and annoying wise sayings Yoda comes out with.
- George Lucas's persistent attempts to persuade people that children like Jar-Jar Binks and they're who he made the film for in the first place, bless him.
- Passing off an embarrassing plot device as a religion.
- Cute comedy relief robots.
- What was the name of that kid in "The Phantom Menace", you know the one? Yes, Haley Joel Osment. No, wait a minute. Jake Something. He was dreadful.
- Taking up a ridiculous amount of neurons in Kevin Smith's brain that could more profitably be used making his films better.
- Press conferences and news stories trying to get excited about the title of a sequel - anyone care what they call "Alien 5" or "Lethal Weapon 5"?
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