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The complete Strictly story 2009 :)

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  • Message 1. Posted by Stacey -TDH-LL-DL (U14112358) on Monday, 21st December 2009 permalink

    well here it is ...

    Thank you to all who contributed to it :)

    Enjoy reading it! its about 21509 word long!!


    Merry Christmas to everyone ...

    Stacey <pony>

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  • Message 2. Posted by Stacey -TDH-LL-DL (U14112358) on Monday, 21st December 2009 permalink

    Once upon a time there was a dancer called Rupert, he was a cuddly little thing with brown hair and a great affinity for yellow checked trousers, sadly tho, he wasnt allowed to wear them on the dance floor and instead had to be content with wearing
    a barely there skimpy dress, apparently the producers of the show he was participating in got him confused with.
    Ola Jordan ... who ended up wearing tartan leggings and a bay city rolleresgue boob tube, unfortunately they forgot to provide her with a wig so they had to borrow one from......................Bruice ... but they took his only one .. so he had to use ....
    Elton Johns who was a doing a guest spot that week, he was bringing his....................
    suitcases into his dressing room, when suddenly
    up popped Basil Brush to do his make up, money was so tight at the BBC that they had to resort to old performers doing any old job they could.......... next person they were thinking of dusting down was.............................. Stephen Fry, who is on everything else so the BBC thought thart he might as well be on SDC, however too many viewers complained about his,,,,,,,,,,,,,Apparent liking for the English language - he used far too many long-winded words - so instead they employed the gorgeous John Barrowman, who promptly............burst into song at every opportunity but charmed the judges so much that even Craig gave him a ....a full wattage beautiful smile, a come hither look and his best tips on how to look fab u luss dah ling in drag. This however led to mutinous looks and teary eyes from...........................Bruno who was so upset he didn't get in there first with John he..................promptly ran off back stage waving his arms, crying and being generally over dramatic, when suddenly he stopped dead in his tracks. Were his eyes playing tricks on him? they were after all full of tears. But no surely not , it couldn't possibly be? He thought they were dead but it was in fact.............................the Black and White Minstrel show, complete with banjos and very very incorrect lyrics. There was a bag of free golliwog dolls to hand out to the audience, but for once Jay Hunt stepped into the breach in the nick of time, summoned up a Tardis������� , shovelled the minstrels and dolls inside, and sent them off to perform to the dust particles in the new outer ring of Saturn.
    Meanwhile, someone had built a new CHP electrical power station fuelled entirely with hot air from these boards. The new Electricity Controller obtained a free ticket for a strange show called Strictly Come Dancing, which he thought must be a mistake, so he turned up at the It Takes Two studio and someone mistook him for Claudia's next guest.������� 
    The hapless controller was showered with orange face powder, had a comb pulled ruthlessly through his thinning comb-over, and he was pushed onto a glaringly bright red-orange sofa and told to wait.
    When Claudia had finished talking to Craig, she turned round to face her next guest.
    "You!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Never!!" she screamed, and promptly fainted.The special guest on Claudia's couch smiled sweetly.Yes, of course it was Arlene.������� 
    Next to her on Claudia's couch was a beautifully dressed dreamboat. When Claudia came to, she took one look and flopped gracefully onto the floor, because .....It was George Cloony............. as his Auntie Rosemary had once appeared in White Christmas he was hoping for an Extra Special Guest Spot to show that he too could dance. He was hoping for a fabulous partner and his heart was set on.Camilla Dallerup, so he announced his intended way of communicating with her by using his dead Aunt Rosemary through a medium, this however did not work so instead he had to use a more conventional method....IE: his mobile (or cell phone if you`re American)."Hi Babes" he crooned down the phone to Camilla"So, hows about me and you, whaddya say?"
    "I`m terribly sorry" replied Camills in her best Danish accent, "But I`m not free,I suggest you contact the gorgeous Karen Hardy instead!"
    So George, aided and abetted by Anton,James, Brendan and Vincent gave Karen a ring.
    "Hi Babes" he crooned down the phone to Karen.
    "So hows about you and me, whddya say?"
    George was obviously very short on conversation!!
    "Well," Karen repliedif you can get me a starring role as the best dancer in the world on your next Oceans film I might just consider it, however if the only film role you can get me is Merryl Streep's mother in Mamma Mia - the Sequel,
    then I won't be dancing to your tune any time soon. Back to your fiancée now, while I open my brand new studio doors to Lionel Blair!!.He needs to start limbering up for his new role as presenter of SDC, since Brucie has...............Unfortunately been found out - he's actually a Clone - a'la Stepford Wives and the BBC have removed him from all further shows to save themselves any more scandel.
    How embarrasing that the repeated use of his dreary catchphrases and dreadful jokes are all becuase the battery in his robotic body is slowly dying rather than it being a simple case of. the cue card machine getting stuck.
    Poor Tess could not bear the programme without Bruce so she decided to.....try get a job on x factor but they said.....................On yer bike, luv, we want...Anton Du Beke ! ...His singing is .......traltralicious and we want him back in all-in-one silver bodysuits. But our Anton could not suppress his loyalty factor, and X-Factor was given the cold shoulder and a chassez with whole body cross-over.he also sent Tess a telegram reading:
    WORRY NOT,LOVE, BBC WANTS YOU AS NEWSREADER FOR THE NEWS AT TEN. ARE YOU READY? BRING ON THE ooop North Accent!
    However poor Tess was still not a happy lady, if she had to read the news instead of part hosting SCD she also wanted...................a rider of������� chocolate crisps������� and������� beer������� and an elocution coach so she could get the correct regional accent perfected before her maiden broadcast..unfortunatley....the elocution coach turned out to be Janet Street Porter,so she was no better off.
    Giving up on the News At Ten job she packed her bags and booked a flight to.....Timbucktu ... where she discovered she could ....be understood perfectly well there...but sadly...there was no call for nice dresses, dancing or glamourous ladies.
    besides she wanted to get back to Blighty asap as she was missing...........One of her shoes ... it had been kidnapped by ....Eddie Izzard.
    He'd bought the same pair when he'd seen Tess wearing them on an earlier SCD but he'd lost one of his when....Mud wrestling with ....the entire British Olympic Team. They were getting in training for the 2012 games and were still miffed at how well Eddie had done doing all his marathons.There was only one thing left for them to do.............and so Tess joined the synchronised swimming team. It wasn't long before she was rather unhappy though because all the extra exercise was having a strange effect on her ........ husband Vernon who couldn't get a proper snog while she had those clip things on her nose. So he...put his foot down with a firm hand and demanded that she be re-instated to SCD with immediate effect.Alas that was now, no longer possible. There had been dramatic changes at the BBC during Tess's sojourn to Timbuktoo and she was no longer needed as SCD had been merged with........................ Blue Peter as the Beeb had ordered too much sticky-backed plastic When they heard that Tess knew how to make dresses out of this stuff, however they decided she was the girl for them. the first frock she made was for Erin but unfortunately ....she'd got confused after hearing Bruce call her an old banger, Tess being all innocent thought he meant a car and therefore made her a set of fluffy dice to wear and a matching....................... pair of side lights. Ricky found these most useful when he was allowed to dance 'out of hold' as it meant he could see what Erin was up to but the inevitable happened on the Saturday night. As he began to jive he ...started to sweat excessivley and his windscreen wipers automatically came on. So hewent into to reverse. the only problem with that was his reverse lights clashed with Erins's side lights. What a fiasco, they would surely be marked down for this. There was only one thing left for him to do and that was to.....................Do the hokey cokey! but as he put his left arm in ...his right arm came out and took Erin's hairpiece with it! So she decided to(Oh blimey, I meant the left arm. If I cock up the hokey cokey so easily just imagine what I'd be like if I was left loose on a samba)... pretend it was a bit of bull and swiftly changed to dancing the paso doble. Fortunately Aleesha was laughing so loudly that no one noticed the change of music. But when it came to the scores ...Erin, being the great professional thau she is, promptly strapped Ricky's feet to hers and di th jive of the century. Unfortunately, as they went towards the judges.....She stood on a patch of carelessly disgarded Juicy Fruit chewing gum and stuck fast.������� 
    The people who sorted out Karen and Ramps' s microphone wire problem rushed in to sort it out while the judges gave their scores...and Bruce was rude to the 'helpers'
    at which point said helpers turned on Bruce and said..........you have three choices:
    1. Make a useful phone call to summon an ambulance for the lady's broken elbow.
    2. Go and read out a cue card to that camera over there.
    3. Just go away.
    Good game, good game."
    Bruce's eyebrows hit the ceiling. Instead of doing any of the above, he decided to ..........................do another strip tease! at which Arlene ran in screaming........" Bruce! There's a Hollywood movie director backstage.He's seen your bony body and wants to cast you as Mr Burns in the new Simpsons movie! He's got his eye on a few others for the cast ,too. he likes the look of.....James Jordan for Bart and for his sister Lisa he wants............
    Kristina! And for Krusty the Clown they have their eye onBruno and his mad antics. Meanwhile, back on the dance floor.........Craig is being chased around the floor by someone dressed as an Easter Bunny who turns out to be...................steady cam man on a bad hair day.
    Meanwhile a set hand sprinkles cola over the dance floor to help the dancers keep their footing , but he is unawares that disaster is in the offing. Due to a certain over zealousness with the talcum powder after his bath that morning he had bought some more to take home after work and had put it into his trouser pocket where the top became lose and treacherously talc began to fall onto the dance floor behind him. As we all know just as cola is the dancers floor friend, talc is the dancers deadly floor enemy. As he walked up the entrance steps thinking he'd done a good job with the cola, the talc from his pocket coated the stairs. Just then at break neck speed rushing onto the set came..............
    Pan's People! They were under the impression that they were due to make a comeback, SCD was just a practice run before their big showcase event on..So you think you can dance! Unfortunately they went hurtling down the stairs....legs and arms flying......straight into the arms of..............Dave Arch and his fabulous band! (let's hear it for.....). At that point Darren Bennett came running in yelling ......
    MY WIFE HAS BEEN KIDNAPED BY MARIAN KEYES! At that very moment
    An army of small green Leprechauns marched in������� threw a bag over his head, and tied him to .... Len's chair, then knocked him on the head with the number 10 paddle, saying Mwah ha ha ... now Marian has Lilia all to herself, little did they all know that Marian Keyes was planning to ....Re-enact the plot of "Misery" and keep Lilia locked in a room for the rest of the series.Not being invited on to ITT for so long had made her go stark raving bonkers and she planned to send a ransom note to Claudia demanding...that she hand over all her fab sparkly jackets and skyscraper shoes immediately. Claudia was in a dilemma. She adored Lilia but dance in flat shoes in her masterclass with Len? No way! So she made a cunning offer to give 5 left shoes and a packet of monster munch. Only then would she consider ...to dance liked she never danced before! Then Ian joined her and...said she could have his red trousers as well. This seems to clinch the deal until Erin dug her heels in and demanded she got ......her hair back to the way it used to be,so the SCD team had to call in Nicky Clarke and Trevor Sorbie .Nicky and Trevor disagreed on how Erin's hair should be done and began to brawl on the dancefloor. It was straighteners at twenty paces.Of course Nicky Clarke won because his straighteners are the hottest on the market,so Nicky got to do Erins hair and Trevor was consolled with...... having a go at Brucie's hair (piece). He suggested a racey little red number with matching beard but Bruce said it made him look to old and thought that a ...... wild lion look a la James Jordan would be better. Bruce secretly liked the idea of an Uncle Len comb-over but he knew James would have something to say about that so he..played it cool and went with the mohawk option.......this meant Anton (recently revealed as Brucies secret love child) became really jealous of Daddy and started to............fret. His worse fears were confirmed one day when Brucie turned up at Hole in the Wall one day in his silver suit and red helmet and stole the show. So Anton decided to get his own back by interfering with Brucie's autocue on Strictly. That's how Brucie came to say on live tv .....he was going to be a contestant in next year's show but also keep on the job of presenter as he felt he did not have enough airtime this year in the show. He had decided that Arlene was to be his professional partner but when asked she said ....." I want more sex,Bruce,and you just haven't got it,love."
    So Bruce got on the blower to Karen Hardy.He knew she wasn't so fussy..after all she had danced with Gary Rhodes and Bill Turnbull! Unfortunately, he couldn't get hold of Karen because she was....slippy after a fake-tan session. Rejected by Arlene and unable to grasp Karen, Bruce turned his attention to......Aliona, however she was still grumpy because of her early elimination. She told him that ....... he did not look strong enough to do all the illegal lifts she wanted to put in. Utterly dejected Brucie thought of Alesha. Surely she couln't let him down after all the times he had said 'Good point good point' after her innane waffling on the panel. But when he rang her up ....Chris Moyles blew a raspberry down the phone and burst into a frenzy of cackling glee. "Your time is up, you old geezer, pack it in, won't you? I took Alesha up Mt Kilimanjaro but you couldn't manage Arthur's Seat. Not even that, you couldn't make the top of Hampstead High Street."Bruce rang Arlene, who had managed only one sentence on "Have I Got News For You" but had been nominated for an OBE for making Paul Merton choke on camera. But Arlene was planning her comeback on Ian Hislop's team and so had no time.
    Bruce hung up his dancing shoes for ever and decided to take up the strenuous pursuit of Mah Jong. To understand this "good game" he turned to .................Vincent ... who unknown to all of us was the world undefeated mah jong champion! ... He and Bruice played for hours on end until eventually .....Vincent trounced him. Brucie complained "that just isn't cricket" to which Vincent cried "no, it was more like a bush kangaroo!"at which point Brendan stormed in looking outraged, dragging behind him (doing his best impression of John S) what he thought was his partner. However when he turned round he realised it wasn't Jo at all but............A sack of old, miss matched dancing shoes ...It turns out that ...they were the ones that Anton and Laila had been wearing last Saturday, which explained their jive.
    Okay maybe not.Anyway, where was Jo? She was foundat the local Zoo, trying to get dancing tips from ........the kangaroo? Oh definitely not, no siree, no way, because that would be way to personal and anyway she'd given him the sack after last week. She actually went for a secret liason with a newborn giraffe called Tipsy...But when she got there she was overcome with the giggles. Tipsy had hair just like...............Brucie - thin and whispy and beautifully sort of orange. But that was where the similarity stopped because the baby giraffe had really straight legs - not a sign of being bowed. Jo decided to try the Insect house and look at the grass-hoppers but, oh dear....she got distracted by the peacocks. Strutting about puffing out their chests and showing off their tail feathers.All their showing off and blustering about reminded her off................Brendan and the fact that she was supposed to be meeting him to try and get their dancing for next Saturday back on track. She hailed a taxi but to her surprise who should be driving it but .....Craig! He said "listen darling, if only I'd been given the chance on Saturday I was about to tell you that your VW was your best dance yet." Jo said "okay, you can be my hero now! But where are we going in this cab?"
    at which point Craig grinned evilly and with a manic laugh said we're off to see the .............other contestants in the green room to chat about what an idiotic fight that just happened outside between Brucie and Craig(y)Luckily THEY SHOOK HANDS AND MADE UP (note to BF, CR-H and BC). Craig went off to learn his lines for Wicked Queen, Bruce decided to work on some proper jokes and Brendan retrived all the toys he'd thrown out of his pram. meanwhile, back at It Takes Two Poor old Kristina was crying into Joe whilst they watched their highlights. Suddenly....he proposed! And they decided to marry, running off to Wales inviting all SCD celebs and pros along..however, he asked Craig to make a speech.....Craig said "Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?" And the mirror said Brendan is the fairest of them all So Craig smashed the [metaphorical?] mirror. Bruce chimed in..."Hey hey hey...I am the fairest of them all, and the mirror has feelings. But, I am not doddery, doddery I am....
    Not. Then a spectator juped up from the audience and said: I'm from Australia, and kangaroos have felings you know. Why, I remember when....
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    Message 123.������� Posted by������� NatashaxBCx������� on������� Tuesday, 20th October 2009
    *discard my post...timing messed up...i'll carry on from here*

    ...I was compared to a dancer. He punched the air in disgust of his species being taken in vain. Then...
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    Message 124.������� Posted by������� strictlygriggory������� on������� Tuesday, 20th October 2009
    ...suddently a Kangaroo bounded into the room, and gobbled Craig up, and Len beamed at the creature and said..."What's that Skippy, Brendon fell down a mine shaft and you need some food before you go back and fill it in. Well, get stuck in lad, have Bruno for afters."

    Just then.............
    Bruce said.."Whoa thats way too personal, Len,too personal" but unfortunately............
    ... the doors opened, and in poured a horde of angry viewers, the same who had been posting for weeks for Bruce to go, but as the BBC was ignoring their posts, they had decided to take matters into their own hands.

    Instead of tarring and feathering Bruces, they savagely decided to glue him totally in sequins������� ������� and beads. Then they hauled him off to the Tate Modern as a permanent exhibit.

    Pinching the fourth plinth from Trafalgar Square, they set Bruce up, but couldn't make him stay up there because ...........
    The police came along and arrested all the angry viewers for causing a public nuisance and locked them up till the series was over. ....

    Meanwhile....
    ...Tess lost no time in professing her undying love for Chris but as he was a bit shorter than her she insisted that he ....
    Wore heels when they went out for dinner that evening. As they were just getting on well, Ola and Vernon walked in along with..Dave Arch and the man in the daft black hat.Everyones eyes turned to watch what would happen................
    Suddenly, Vernon got up on the table and started screaming at Tess....back for dealing with the kangaroo, Brucie ran in screaming at Vernon for being 'too personal' so Ola... grabbed Dave Arch's hand and led him out the back door, seeing this James....Stood up at once...knocking the table over in anger. He stormed across the restaurant and headed for the door...but blocking the door was..........Hank Marvin appealed for everyone to keep calm when..Hank held up his hand for calm, and so it was....peace reigned if only for a nano second when.........They were all distracted by the entertainment...Craig and Flavia dancing on the stage. When they had finished...the owner of the restaurant, who happened to be one of the 'Mitchell Brothers' from last years show. Came storming in from the Kitchen and demanded the police be brought immediately.
    Sting however was out with his Wife Trudy Styler so in his place in walked ..............................Brendan. This was clearly something he had been wanting to get off his chest for a long, long time. This gave the producer an excellent idea. "I've got it! Let's bring out a new version of strictly. We can call it Strictly COME OUT dancing! Genius!" The producer reached for his phone book and decided that the first person to contact with a view to getting the ball rolling was his good friend............David Attenborough who liked all things that meant you had to COME OUTside. David turned out to be a real salsa fan and said he would bring his friend and salsa partner who was ......
    Gertrude, a truly delightful well-trained, well-rehearsed Orang Utan from London Zoo. She and David presented the BBC producer of SCD with an amazing new idea for refreshing Series 8 in 21010 - the celebs could include upper primates also!!������� 
    Taking out his Blackberry he emailed this idea immediately to Jay Hunt, who responded by standing up at a nearby table in the same restaurant.������� 
    "What a fantastic idea!!" she smiled. "Let's start with .............
    ...meerkats. They are so talented and I love that foreign accent. Erin should do well with one of them after the partners she's had recently. On hearing the news, Erin said ....Compare the meerkats ? or do you mean compere the meerkats? I agree meerkats to host the show!!
    Dickie however wasn't so keen on this idea - he knew that meerkats, however fantastic, were actually quite difficult to handle. He would only go for it if he had someone to control them. Someone like................Brucie. He always said he was in charge. Then he realised he had gone full-circle on this one and decided to think again. Kate Humble seemed to be good with animals but there was one thing about her that made him think twice and that was the way she ......behaves like a normal human being in front of camera. Yes that was a real drawback. To be on SCD one has to have a really inflated ego or be a national treasure. Suddenly the answer came to him ...
    So he thought hmmm, who else is there out in the land of TV who behaves like a complete nit wit and would therefore be perfect?
    Ah yes there's...................Gordon Brown and rumour has it that he will soon be looking for a new challenge. Quick as a flash he was on the phone to him but when Gordon said he would want the programme to reflect the superior intellect of the Scottish nation he ...rang Jimmy Krankie but sadly................
    She was no longer dressing as a small boy! So instead suggested that great Scottish Stalwart ..................Alex Salmond, who said he'd be absolutely delighted and could fit it in n problem, and would do it for free as long as there was one Scottish contestant on the starting blocks., Even better, he could offer Murrayfield as the venue - to make more room for SCD fans to see the show live. They would just have to put on a roof over the stadium which could be made of ................... recycled plastic beer mugs from the last Scotland world cup match. Of course the dancers would have to wear football boots because of the muddy grass but he could see that might be an asset for the next round of jives - they could kick off the mud as they danced. He wanted some new ideas though in particular ...as to how this particular scottish venture was to be paid for........... he had considered selling...............cheap whiskey at exhorbitant prices so that the audience wouldn't care who won anyway. As the pitch is so large he would have 2 couples dancing at the same time and by cutting out all Brucie's jokes the show could be over in 30 minutes. The rest of the airtime could be used to hold money-making Bingo sessions and to run that he had his eyes on...
    The English interests in Norther Ireland. This brought on a visit from Michael Flatley who proposed a brand new show called ........Muddy Dance. He thought he could get the show up and running by the end of the month providing ...
    it rained from now until the end of the week.������� 
    Although this was highly likely he had to be certain. Then it came to him, before setting up Muddy Dance he would write, star in, direct and produce Rain Dance!! For this he needed a very special partner tho, it had to be ......
    our dear poster Raindance, of course!!������� 
    After months of lengthy negotiations, mostly taking place in Dubai, Bermuda and a nice little yacht moored at Cannes, the deal was signed.������� 
    On his return, Alex Salmond returned to find he was now the King of Scotland, Flatley was the newly created King of Ireland and Raindance had a beautiful office overlooking Canary Wharf. It was all going so smoothly, until ...............A bunch of grammar police, staging a demonstration, ran into the Aleysha Appreciations Society outside the BBC.....
    Brendan and Bruce started fighting over who was to be the King Of England........... Little realising Darren had already been given that title and forgetting that Brenda was from NZ.
    Craig and Bruno had already decided they were going to be the Queen of Oz and Italy respectively and were hoping that Len would be King of.............
    ...People's Hearts. He knew everyone loved him but that did not stop him from ....nominating Alesha as the People's Princess.������� To accommodate all these new divas, Crystal Palace had to be entirely rebuilt. As an interim home, Buckingham Palace was hired, with Elizabeth R gratefully accepting a very extended heal spa treatment in the Azores.Craig & Company moved in. The first thing they did was call in the interior decorators for a much-needed interior facelift. The person they finally chose was ...................illustrating his tshirts with lots of������� ������� and singing loudly while.....Brucie and Tess tested the thrones for size. They approved of all the grand staircases to float down but decided that all the gold paint was ......too tasteful and they really needed...
    .. a few hundred sequins stuck all over them. Joe volunteered to do this as he had nothing better to do and thought he could fight off the pack of mad corgis if they got too fierce. Once up the ladder .......a bird fell out of the sky and landed at the foot of his ladder......so Jo thought he would use feathers instead. It was going well and he had the judges desk nearly finished when ...they remembered it was 6:30 and went inside to watch ITTThe TV picture was all shaky and jerky and when Bruce went out to find the problem he found Simon Cowell on the roof, green with envy and hitting the ariel with a sledghammer. Bruce took his ladder away and went back inside just in time to see.....Brendan with his shirt off (wishful thinking on my part) as he revealed how he, in fact, had a picture of Craig tattoed onto his chest...... with the words 'This man hates me' written underneath. Immediately they all tried to get in touch with StrictlyHost Ian for a ruling. Sadly he was not available because...
    He had collected all the best posts off here and was writing a book called.....
    'Strictly Come Forum'The book contained posts about various debates we had had and funny things we had said. At the book launch...... a strange figure emerged from the crowd. It was Dobby the House Elf requesting 3000 copies of the book for the Diagon Alley bookstore. It was now a Third Year textbook for Muggle Studies. Strictly Host Ian beamed, tapped his wand on all the books to add his instant signature, then turned round. Seeing a crowd of journalists, he modded some of them off, spoke quietly and firmly to the precious remaining few, then retired to a back room to nod off.������� Meanwhile one of the celeb dancers saw an opportunity to gather extra votes, and went out front to claim the identity of Strictly Host Ian, but found ...................... it was all a dream and he was back at Television Centre with Brucie shouting once again that HE WAS IN Charge. This was too much and so ........he grabbed Claudia's shoes and made run for it, but...... sadly tripped over Claudia's box of frogs which she never left the dressing room without. In the confusion one of the frogs hopped into ....Ian's trousers and...immediately realised he'd made a grave error, he wasn't in fact a frog but was a .............Grasshopper?. Graham the Grasshopper hopped out at once and scuttled back to his cage...
    (sorry, have to restart this!)....to watch SCD for that week...and he particularly liked............a whole show where the dancers danced, the presenters presented, the judges judged and the audience drowned the music as usual.������� 
    Meanwhile the make-up department was in a panic. Somebody had swapped all their fake tan and false eyelashes and pansticks and replaced them with the troll makeup used for the current "Merlin" episodes.������� 
    How could they get Ali to wear those yellow teeth? How could they get Ian to slobber? Would Bruce wear those wigs? Now was the time to call in real help from New Scotland Yard ������� In came ...................the Beeb Police to try and solve the mystery. Meanwhile, on stage, Craig was being NICE whilst Bruno was being an idiot instead. Bruce was cracking some ok, down-to-earth and nice jokes and nobody was storming around.....it was just like a proper fairy story except for the...dress Jade was wearing was causing a rather rowdy male audience. Ian got so fed up of everyone watching Jade and not him that he...
    Ripped his shirt off and danced just in a pair of sparkly trousers! but ...
    Although the female viewers were very very happy, some of the other dancers were jealous as they thought this would buy votes.
    Back in the green room.....everyboby turned������� ������� and disappeared!! This led to a terrible...uproar as they now had no show!������� Brucie went out front to entertain the crowd by telling jokes. When he was pelted with tomatoes, Tess.....fell about laughing! "At last!" she said. "You've.... discovered the true recipe for tomato ketchup!!!!"������� ������� Then she chucked some rotten fruit at him from the Merlin set and went off to a champagne dinner hosted by the BBC producers for her, hubby Vernon, and Craig, caught hiding behind the judge's desk. He said he was starving, but please could they avoid any restaurant haunted by Celebrity Masterchef fans. Everyone agreed the best solution was to hop on a plane and go to Fouquet's on the Champs Elysées in Paris.
    Meanwhile a tomato-sodden Bruce found himself being carted off on a cleaner's trolley to ................The X-Factor. "Help!" he cried, "I'm only a..
    poor little SCD presenter...what are you going to do with me?'������� 
    They.......made him dress as Celine Dion and then...tied him to the front of a replica Titanic.The plan was to send it down the swanney seeing as that's where the programme was headed anyway!������� However before they had chance to launch the ship...........................................they spotted Brian Fortuna. Mistaking him for the star of Titanic, they agreed to set bruce free on condition that Brian....Re enact the flying scene from titanic with ....Ali. Suddenly...all the camera menstarted sweating heavily and one by one started������� fainting until������� 
    all the them fainted and the show was unable to hit off so they decided������� to show an ITT clip until camera men wake up������� 
    but they showed the wrong ITT clipthey showed the one where Joe proposes to Kristinathe next day Kristina is outraged that they have repeated that clip of the ITTbecause she has just found that she was pregnant but that Joe had cheated on her with ........................................Flavia Cacace. But Kristina then reveals that she is not pregnant with Joe's child - the real father is Vincent.
    Joe, outraged, takes his boxing gloves and drives to Vincent's house. He knocks on the door. The door opens, but instead of Vincent, there was Aliona.....In her nightdress looking very alarmed at who she saw at her door...she screamed as he trying to barge in and then took one look at his fists and...Said 'You really must try to get a better line with your hands. They are letting you down.'Extra training sessions were hastily organised and then they ordered in a supper of....fried Grasshopers that had previously been in Ian pants .Tess joined in to eat the supper but unfortunately for her������� she landed on uncooked grashopperwhich resulted in a tummy ache������� she was rushed to an hospital in london but they were unable to do much for her������� so they adviced her to go back to timbucktu they have a great hospital therebut unfortunately for her the hospital was full but before tess despaired������� she met������� The great explorer Josh Bernstein he gave her his hat and official named her the female version of Indiana Jonesafter exploring the world greatest wonders tess was...................
    Exhausted!She sat down with a cuppa, her favourite biscuits and settled down to watch .................Top gear (sorry, dave). As she was getting bored and about to turn over she saw the star in a reasonably priced car was...Keith Harris and Orville!Crikey she thought, Orville would be a fantastic replacement for........
    ..Jeremy Clarkson. He was some much better looking and more intellegent...
    Bruce as presenter. She rang up the BBC and...Ignore the Bruce bit and use the BBC bit..
    She rang up the BBC and said "What about a swap, Brucie could do Top Gear and we could have Clarkson for SCD!" There was a howl of......agreement. She was told that they were preparing a programme about old crocks and vintage cars and Brucie would fit in just fine. Of course he would have to wear leathers which might be a problem if he wanted to keep the dancing going. As to Clarkson for SCD .....there was soon to be one hell of a fight as the pro dances found out Brucie was off. Anton in particular, was really upset at the news and demanded that...
    ..Orville be plucked and roasted for dinner. Meanwhile James demanded that...
    the feathers were recycled for Ola's next dress!!
    Alas, upon hearing the news that Orville was to be plucked, the RSPCA intervened, along with Age Concern and decided they would solve the problem of who was to present SCD by suggesting................
    ...David Attenbourgh, who can dance like a ...geriatric and so we are back where we were before. So the BBC decided to stick with Brucie as he was no more expensive than David Attenborough and didn't smell of monkey droppings. Tess was a problem though as she said she would go to LA unless they found her as younger presenter so after a lot of thought ...
    ........the Beeb recanted and got rid of Bruce permanently, thus freeing up a great deal of cash to pay for more staff team-building awaydays. Bruce was given a new job in a lighthouse up in the Orkneys, and was never heard of again.
    Tess was given elocution lessons and put on standby while the House of Commons, lacking anything useful to discuss, lobbied hard on the list of candidates for new SCD presenter. The most obvious candidate, David Cameron, declined to give up his day job, so he proposed his colleague ..................
    Allistair Darling take the job since he isn't much use anyway..
    However..
    ...Alastairs mate Gordy Brown nearly choked on his choccie biccies when he heard this news. Gordon was himself looking around for a new job, so he hastened to the BEEB where they told him....
    NO ... we want someone who is ....
    going to restore faith to the Channel and who also gets on with Jeremy Clarkson!

    Gordy was devastated, he'd destroyed the country almost single handedly and was hoping to redeem himself at the BBC and rename it ........................
    ..........lighter on his feet and lighter on the eye. So David Milliband was thrust forward into the limelight and sent off for a camera test, which he passed with flying colours. Encountering Anton outside the studio, he drew him aside and asked the $64,000 question: "What is SCD? Why Strictly? Not that it matters, I can do any job, but it would be nice to know first."
    Anton gave him an evil grin������� ������� and said "It's the biggest job on TV and the one most likely to ruin your reputation." Milliband thought of his ambitions to be President of the EU in 2020 and turned the BBC down.
    In absolute desperation, the BBC bosses called Anton in and said: "The job's yours, laddie, as of now."
    Anton's eyes gleamed! No more Latin dancing routines ever! and promptly accepted.������� ������� all round as yet another corporate lunch slid down some grateful throats at the taxpayers' expense, and the world went back into neutral gear.
    But who was going to break the news to Tess?Unaware of the Anton appointment Tess had got wind of the Gordon Brown idea and decided she quite liked that thought for a co-presenter as he might even make her dancing look pretty good. She felt it was so unfair of people to say she couldn't dance as little dancing Craig had told he she was really good.
    Off she went to have a word with Gordon at no 10 but ....
    she soon discovers that Gordy had decline the offer to be a pressentator and he is now preparing a long compaign to������� 
    be the president of the EU in 2020
    Tess was devasted but she thought that BBC probably������� 
    had a new patner for her������� 
    it was 6h30 she sat to watch ITT
    claudia broke the news "ANTON IS THE NEW PRESENTATOR"
    TESS was more than dissapointed at the news and decided to complaint at the bbc headquarters about this������� 
    but little did she know that Josh Bernstein had followed her in England he had fallen in love with her������� 
    and wanted to marry her but on his way to the BBC he saw Ali and Brian rehearsing their dance Josh mistaken her for Tess and ask Ali to marry him Brian faints and .................................
    when he came round he realised that he's gone under some sort of weird change and was now.................an alien. He looked at his face in the mirror and it had turned green...was this because he was jealous of Brian though?������� 
    Ali helped him up and....
    decided she did actually in fact prefer Rugby Men to dancers after all and promptly dropped him back on the floor and went in search of..............
    Jonny Wilkinson (?!). She found Jonny at the BBC studio entrance and he was just about to start filming his new show.
    She...............kissed him and he turned back into the Frog Prince.������� 
    Stubbing her toe in frustration, Ali ended up in Casualty, where one of the F2s was eyeing her up. Along came ..............Tom Chambers who'd forgotten he was supposed to be at Waterloo Road now and anyway he liked the hospital sets better. He was very concerned about Ali's toe and said the best person for her to see about it would be ....... Dr Who. He doesn't go on about it but he is actually a very good GP when he is not in the������� 
    Tardis. As Ali was now out of the competition she decided to ....
    Become the new time lords assistant!
    But when they reached galaxy 75 (take a left at the moon, go around the milkyway and head right across mercury������� ) she realized she had forgotten to .....put on her shoes and bring her sat nav so she....
    ...drove the wrong way down a one way street and then into a storm drain. "darn" she said. ".....but Ford Prefect handed her a dry towel and said: "Take this towel -everybody needs a towel."������� ������� 
    Ali dried herself off and asked - "What planet are you going to hitch to now?"
    Ford's eyes gleamed. "I'm hungry - how about the Restaurant at the End of the Universe? It should be open about now."
    "Brilliant!" shouted Ali and hung onto her towel, Ford Prefect as they whirled off to an unreserved table, where they were serving a slimy green dish called ................ mushy peas. 'I suppose this has something to do with Tess' she thought. 'What do they eat oooop north!!!'Still she liked the chips that came with it. And so full on energy and with her toe completely better she was ready to jointhe Doctor as they zoomed off to ....La La Land She had heard she would git in quite well as it was so full of.........................
    ...TellyTubbies covered in glitter. Po and Tinkywinky.....and Jay Hunt were all sitting down to a posh dinner with food from La Gavroche, served by a smiling Sir Terry Wogan who had spiked the avocado foam with Irish humour.
    Before long, Ms Hunt was off her chair and rolling on the floor laughing at ............................ how seriously some people took the li'le ol' dance programme on the telly.After all it was only viewer numbers that really mattered and suddenly a great new idea came to mind .....Naked Strictly!!!!!!! With a few Helicopter Heros thrown in for fun. Immediately....All the professional started to get undressed whilst the Celebs help back. Hugh Heffner jumped up from the audienceand declared...............That the audience would have to be naked too, however ...he didn't make it clear if the audience at home had to be aswell!There was some dissent from the audience when it was declared it a was a live naked show, as it's so much colder oop North! Eventually an agreement was reached and .............only the studio audience had to be naked ... so the dancers wouldnt feel embarrassed and the people at home wouldnt get hypothermia ... but one person was not happy about this ....
    and that was Bruce - he felt that all the nudity would take the shine away from the main attraction........... namely Himself!
    However the producers had a cunning plan - they were going to replace BF with Hugh Heffner -no one would notice the difference anyway and dispatch Bruce to..............
    ... and of course that was Brucie. With clothes on he did not look too bad but at 82 he really did not look too good in the altogether. He failed to see however, that this nude idea had really been a complicated way of getting him to pull out of the show and fell straight into the trap and tendered his resignation.And so the Beeb were back again to the problem of who could take over from him but soon ......Hugh Heffner turned up with an idea and several playmates and so ...Anton was paraded in the BBC-brokered compromise:
    dog collars and jock straps for the men, iced buns, G-strings and balls of cotton wool for the women, with high boots instead of dancing shoes. Len Goodman was bit taken aback and declared: "................."I don't like all this faffing about - let's just get on with the dancing". The Beeb would not be stopped though and went ahead with the new-style dress code and so Len thought it was time to go. He had had an approach to appear on Blue Peter so .....But just then Gwok Wan jumped out onto the floor and told all the women how beautiful they were naked. Immediately a horde of naked ladies of all shapes and sized pored onto the flloor.Oh,xxxx, said Bruno, this is worse than...watching Len and Craig dance the Lambarda! He ran out the room screaming and phoned...Arlene Phillips ....
    "youve got to help me" he cried ... things have all gone ....'...pearshaped! Everyone is naked and dancing and I can't look' Arlene said...Just collect all the bloomers, corsets and bra's and we'll go to a flea-market and split the profits.' Gwok Wan grinned and dashed back inside, just in time to see.....
    ONE HUNDERED PAIRS OF KNICKERS BEING FLUNG IN THE AIR!!

    the audience had obviously listened to the advice Len had given to Christine Bleakley after her cha cha cha ....
    but suddenly .....
    Adrian Chiles runs in and grabs Christine from Len's clutchs. He turns to Alesha and...
    ... asked her if she wanted to come to the flea market with them. Alesha said she couldn't come as she had to practise her turn for Children in Need which involved a bath of cold custard and .....
    a bath tub! However, the Beeb thought the bath tub idea was familiar and then realised that this was portayed in an episode of Ashes to Ashes. A conference was called to discuss what Alesha could do instead.
    The verdict was.....keep the bath tub but fill it with baked beans. Terry Wogan and Tess who are also involved in Children in Need would then get Alesha to ....
    dance the macerena from inside the bathtub while they stood on the side and sung...and laughed. Alesha though doing this would reinstate her popularity but instead...
    .......decided to save her reputation and be far more sensible so she hopped on a tourist flight to space and thus got away from the mad idiots now populating Albion. Meanwhile the whole cast of soldierscomedancing.com arrived to rebuild the studio floor into a more interesting configuration, and they installed a new jury: Lady Gaga, Jimmy Saville, Nicholas Anstey and Chris Moyles. The first contestants to rehearse on the new dance floor found that it had been especially oiled with corn oil to make them .....................
    .... glide beautifully through the Viennese waltz but when it came to the jive there was a problem.
    Darren said he had the answer though and so ...
    ..spread hot popcorn on the floor to soak up the oil and make the dancers jump. Anton shouted:".I'll get a 10 at last!!" but Lady Gaga said:".............. change the record, Anton. We've heard that one before.'
    The popcorn worked well, though, and the highest marks were awarded to .....
    Brendan and Lisa dancing the Cha Cha Cha (?)
    As a prize they...
    were given a chance to perform at one of the casinos in Las Vegas but...
    .... Brenan had to 'fess up that he didn't like flying so instead he suggested a nice little place in Yorkshire where ......
    he once did some building work before he went into dancing! The owners of the house.......had to remove the huge glitter ball from over the kitchen table as they kept bumping their heads on it but they liked the fitted spray tanner in the shower room. He liked to relax with a paint brush in his hand and the way he
    Bedroom was so nice. When they entered the house.....the Big Bad Wolf appeared outside, and said "I'm going to huff, and I'll puff until....
    .... you Cha Cha Cha all the way home" and make a surprise appearance on .................
    ...the final "It Takes Two", the one after the SCD final, which the BBc isplanning now, even as I type......on this thread.������� 

    "Ok" replied Brendan (?) and began to Cha Cha Cha all the way home.

    The wolf,..
    ...who was really Bruno in a fur coat, started to wave his arms about madly. Brendan's chachacha got faster and faster until Bruno ...
    Turned in Batman pirouetted across the floor like a whirl wind that was a twirl wind blurted Craig revel Horwood .........
    Turned into Batman and pirouetted across the floor like a whirl wind that was a twirl wind darling blurted Craig revel Horwood .........
    .....can I be your Robin! so they both went back to the Bat Cave to make plans for their first public performance. Suddenly the phone rang and they had an offer from....ABC to see if they wanted to appear in the next Extreme Makeover Series. Craig declined gracefully but volunteered Bruno, who returned after a few weeks looking like a confused grasshopper with ............
    the grasshopper that had previously been down Ian's trousers and in someone's tummy!
    "I have really been through it..." said the Grasshopper to Craig and Bruno. Just then......a butterfly landed gracefully next to them on the wet grass. 'Hi' she said 'my name is Ali and I love to dance'. Craig and Bruno looked at each other and cried out ....' too much animal imagery!'. They hugged each other in blind panic, but unfortunately a passing paparazzi took a snap of the huggle. Next day the photo was splashed all over the tabloids, but..."Brian! What have you done to poor Ali?"
    Brain then appeared out of nowhere with a devil suit on and sighed. "Just practising" he shrugged.
    So Bruno.......reminded him that shrugging can lead to raised shoulders. Brian said that the devil outfit was for the story of the next dance and Whisked Ali off to ......Timbucktoo. "Oh My God" said Ali "Look at....
    ....my ankle - it's gone all black and blue again. I won't be able to dance on Saturday unless....
    I get to a hospital fast! So Brian whistled for a car which sped to his call driven by.Jerey Clarkson...." Ha ha , now...." he thought "I can finally take my rightful place on SCD" but just then...Richard Hammond came from the sky in a leotard and said "I am dancing with Ola this time not you!"
    So Jeremy...
    run him over.......but James popped up and...
    yelled "You can get done for that!"
    Jezza got out the car and started to run whilst James chased him.
    Meanwhile...
    Ola and Chris had gone to the zoo to thank the chimps for teaching him to do the paso. He just threw a banana in on a string and then jerked it out again. The resultant stamping was his choreaography. Meanwhile...
    (in reply to tangolero boag)

    ...Laila, Jade, Ian and Anton were all sitting in A+E waiting for Jade and Laila to be seen. Just then (beware: cliché coming) the magic fairy that is Flavia came down from the sky and dropped fairy dust on them.

    Magically...

    Happiness was restored to all and all was bright! All four of them got up and danced around the room receiving some strange looks off of people.������� 
    But as they got to the door...
    Ian ran straight into Ronnie Corbett and received a rather embarrasing injury. 'The show can't go on' squeaked Ian. A quick-thinking Jade came up with a perfect cover story for their absence, with her knee-popping party trick. Meanwhile....
    back at TVC. Katya and Phil were sitting on the dance floor in protest. They....Anton grabbed Laila and said "we cant let those 2 get away with the sympathy vote..quick..let me throw you down the stairs and then you can strap up your foot..we can get the votes in that way too" but unbeknown to them, who should be eavesdropping but...
    Lionel Blair who ran to Craig to tell him of Laila and Anton's plan, hoping Craig would put in a good word for him for Bruce's job. Craig...................
    wasn't paying full attention as he was musing on recent revelations about him by someone called Flaghippo. So when Lionel spluttered ' Craig, lovey, darling, you'll never guess...' Craig misheard and thought Lionel has said.....
    'Craig, darling, I'm a mess' (had to be clean lol) to which Craig sat Lionel down to talk to him in a patronising way.
    'Now darhling, it is ok that you feel this way...let me help you...'������� 
    Lionel shook in protest. 'No No' he cried. 'I said you'll never guess! Not I'm a mess!'
    'Oh' said Craig and...
    just as he was about to ask ... Out of the Giant suspended glitterball popped ....
    Jimmy Tarbuck, with lawyer in tow 'Jade has been allowed to reenter the competion following injury... 43 minutes later ...this sets a precedent and my client Mr Tarbuck feels he ought to be treated similarly...
    Upon hearing this all the pro girls ran and hid, not wanting to face early elimination again. Lilia ran to wardrobe and hid in the dress rails. Erin hid in the loo. The only one who couldnt find a spot was Aliona, however always looking for an excuse to be on the dancefloor she volunteered to be his partner. However one in training she found that ...........
    ...old men can be rather sweet. Jimmy as a mate of Brucie's was an immediate favourite with the judges and as the final approached ....
    ...Aliona and Jimmy Tarbuck were definitely the favourites. But as the training went on Jimmy began to get a lot of pain in ...
    his leg so he had to go sit down. Aliona got so mad that she..
    ...bought sparkly silver shoes that were HIGHER than Claudia's. This caused an awful........fight because Natalie Lowe came running into the Aliona's dressing room furiously shouting 'they were my shoes..I was going to get them!'
    She was so angry that she...
    exploded....nearby to clear up the mess was...
    Ricky Whittle ... who had become the beebs new cleaner because he no longer had a partner ... this was until .....
    Vanessa leapt out of Chritmas cake and said......TAKE ME WHITTLE TAKE ME!!....
    His reaction however .....
    was one of confusion. 'Take yer where love?' he said.������� 
    Was not what she expected. He shovelled her and the Christmas cake into a wheelie bin and put it outside. Just then, Len appeared in his pink dressing gown pushing an identical bin, Ooops, he said, wrong day! and grabbed the bin with Vanessa in and pushed it back inside. Suddenly, a hordendous scream rang out and.....
    Len had to go for a lie down! Whilst he was sleeping, Phil and Katya broke into his house because they were angry over the other night. They...
    ..found his secret hoard of pickled walnuts and ate so many that ....
    ...Katya stood in the slips... but there was no need... up ran 'the cat' and bowled him middle wicket! At this point Len woke up and exclaimed.......'seveeeeeern' before falling back into a deep sleep. Katya had an idea ....
    ...'why don't we tie him up and drag him into his pond in the garden...as pay back?' Phil nodded and went to hunt for some rope. Standing in his kitchen was...
    darth vader, stavros and simon cowell - figures from the dark side - arguing over who should challenge Len's leadership... as 'the cat' entered the kitchen the sith lord drew his lightsaber...
    ... Rolf Harris said 'can you see what it is yet'... and...
    and Simon Cowell said of course you cannot see it - it is the X Factor - it is charisma which only I possess. He then tripped over the "cat" and shouted������� ������� But then Craig had entered the kitchen and said....."Yassa, I can boogie, I can boogie all night long."������� 
    " Len sat up, shouted, "Donuts" and passed out again. Just then, a white van pulled up and bundled the lot of them inside. Len opened one eye, grinned wickedly and said, ......
    ..." I am the best dancer! I am!!!" Then everybody...
    ..got on the phone to vote themselves through as the production team for the next 22 series of Strictly. Too many got through, so candidates were gunned down mercilessly if they did not conform to the requirements of Head Judge Len, who had just taken an anti-ageing pill and was now 24 again, with floppy dark hair, sideburns,flared trousers and ............
    ....dancing with Karen Hardy who had donned a ginger wig and danced the Charleston. Unfortunately.....
    Len was fooled and thought Karen was Aliona because the anti aging pill hadn't worked on his eyes. When he realised he said.....
    'How would you like to be a judge?' Before Karen could reply an emaciated figure staggered into the room. "Get me out of there, I'm a dancer'. Len reared back in shock. 'Good grief, it's.......its a bug bearing, smelly creature who has escaped from the jungle. The creature then gasped..........
    ....when AntanDec threw a lasso around it's neck and hauled it back to the jungle shouting"...
    You're a celebrity get back in here...........
    and then they cried 'NO' and stormed off. So...
    ...six dancing daleks sashayed into the kitchen and did a group tango... Craig R H stood transfixed and said 'Dddaaaahhhhhhlllliiiinnnnngggggggssss.......'
    ...char..char..char...
    char char char ....charming....he said after a big sneeze. The dancing daleks wanted to exterminate him but had to......
    listen to the other judges first...

    Len, paused... rose to his full height and exclaimed...
    'I LOVE YOU ALL'
    Looking shocked they..
    ...all flung off their clothes and said "We love you too, Len......
    .....but were immediately docked two point each for forgetting to throw their knickers in the air. Craig leapt up, outraged and said.....
    ... not tonight darlings, I've got a headache.
    His headache was brought on by the murdering of the carpenters songs on ITV. In protest all the dancers...started singing "I'm A Lumberjack, And I'm OK", just to annoy the Carpenters in the audience, ...
    ...but strangely it was the Plumbers who were most annoyed about it. This was because...
    All of their taps had been stolen and used as ....
    a prop for the dancing daleks who where now tap dancing in the hallway, out into the street, where...
    ...Len lay in wait to exterminate them. Unfortunately the plan came unstuck because ....
    ......the dancing daleks had connected the taps. Len got absolutely soaked and then.............
    ..along came Bruce, got soaked 'cos he ignored all Len's warnings, and went home and back to bed. Meanwhile the Electricians devised a cunning plan to get rid of the Daleks, involving much electrocution, explosions etc which unfortunately blew up the BBC Studios and ..............
    meant that strictly had to be broadcast live from ....Claudia's little room. Tess complained that the staircase wasn't grand enough, which was true as all thast would fit was a stool from Mothercare and so....
    ....when she went to move the stool to see if a stepladder would fit instead, Tess tripped over it and .........fell into Mordor. "Precious, my prescious" whispered...
    ...........gimme my ring back or I'll steal all your lovely dressessess, my preciousess - Tess screamed out....
    ... and then Tess sat down to wait in the hope that a helpful hobbit would pass that way. As she looked up...
    Chris Hollins just happened yo be walking by ... with a yell of BAAAABBBBEE .... Ola came running and with her she brought ....
    ...her dear little James. Tess and James waltzed off into the sunset but Chris and Ola ....
    ..decided to Rumba because it was So Romantic.......That was until James came running back realizing he'd gone with the wrong girl. As Tess was still waltzing off into the distance, James and Ola decided too .....
    ... and then Tess tripped over a pair of shoes and fell into Matt Dawson's arms ......but it was such a long time since Matt Dawson had done any dancing that he let her fall to the ground and then booted her into touch. Screaming 'That's 5 points to us' he returned to the centre of the field and left poor Tess to be comforted by ...
    ..George Clooney, who was not much of a dancer, but very good at examining her chest with his stethescope. "Stuff Vernon" she shouted.......take me to your beautiful lakeside house in Italy. I want to ride your motor bike maddly fast on their crazy roads and feel its power throbbing under me. " George consulted his diary and said...
    .....and Brucie came running up with a load of foam and said here is your stuffing dear where should I start......George and Bruce eyed each other suspiciously. 'think you'll find my storyline came first ' smiled George 'and I have plans for our Tess, if you know what I mean' he winked.
    'too personal' muttered Bruce 'Clearoffouta here young lad' and with that Bruce grabbed Tess by the arm and started walking towards....
    ..where Len was currently lying on the floor again as he was tired again. Craig was tower over him saying....
    ... nothing, as he munched on his Hob Nobs. Just then, who should appear but ......little Ronnie Corbett. He was a bit put out because in all the talk about the injuries of the weekend no one had mentioned him falling down the staircase. 'I had a nasty bump on my knee' he said 'and why can't I go to hospital like Leila?'������� He grabbed a hob nob and sat down in a sulk. Just then Len woke up and...
    said '...and its goodnight from me' ...
    Ronnie has a real hissie fit . 'It is a criminal offence to use some one elses catch phrase' he cried and looked at Brucie for some support but all poor old Brucie could do was ....
    smirk, sit on little Ron and say ... 'and... It's goodnight from him!' at this point the clouds parted and...
    ...rain come pouring down just on them! There was thunder and lightening and Len jumped up again (headbutting Craig and sending everyone flying) and ran around the place screaming like a girl. Ola jumped into Chris's arms and they ran off. Meanwhile on TVC, the dress rehearsal was going on for the show....... there stood Tess, alone, bereft, head down... emitting a low pitched wail of...
    pure frustration....one minute she had Bruce and.George Clooney, she had told Vernon to stuff it and now she was left with.......
    a Pudsey bear and a contract to read out Lottery Numbers on Wednesdays for the next 5 years. "Noo!" she snarled, pulled out a Kalashnikov and started shooting everyone in sight, including little Cathy Ashton, which was unfortunate because.....
    ... it meant she would never get promoted from our Lottery to Euro millions. For a moment she contemplated turning the gun on herself but..
    ...just in time she realise that Pudsey bear was in fact Vernon re-stuffed and never knowing which way to turn anyway Tess.........did a twirl which made Brucie remember his youth and as he went towards Tess and Pudsey (cracking cockroaches on the way) he realised ..he'd left the gas on ...������� 
    this caused him to .....
    ...hail a passing taxi and get home to his lovely wife asap. She was still doing her nail ready for the next party and had not noticed the problem with the gas because she never went into the kitchen. She told him it was therefore all his fault and went back to her nails. Bruce got the situation under control by...
    removing all the rather overpowering lighted scented candles into the kitchen, which was his last action for a very long while.
    When Brucie was eventually dug out of the ruins of his beautiful mansion the first thing he said was ....
    "Who won the final?" " Am I going to do the Christmas Show?" then he and his wife were whisked off to recuperation in Bermuda.
    In Bermuda they lived happily ever after. Of course this made the Beed at last face the problem of finding a replacement for Brucie. The first name that came to mind was ........ Fiona Bruce.
    They desperately wanted to hang on the name of Bruce. There was another reason as well. .........
    ...and that was so that they did not have to change the name on the dressing room door. Fiona was not keen so they thought of Bruce Grobbela and got him on the phone...
    ....but he was no good When they mentioned glitterballs he thought they meant sparkly footballs so they rang Bruce Willis who said........
    Im too busy ,ask the BOSS...Springsteen...but he was busy too although he did have a suggestion. "Try any one who lives in Australia - they are known as Bruce even if they didn't start off with that name" he said.
    Rolf Harris. The phone call started off badly, he appeared to be making strange noises, but then they realised he was only playing with his didgeriedoo. Tess explained their dilemma. At first Rolf was dubious, but when he heard about the animal imagery he realised it was right up his street .' I'll be over on the first plane...can you get me some black paint and a set of brushes. Just one small thing, I'd like exclusive rights to the singing slots, as I'm planning a comeback' . Tess came off the phone, and looked uncertainly at the others ' I think we may need to find someone else' she said ' Why don't we go for theobvious choice of......Me of course. I am the obvious choice. I am not just a last minute replacement you know. Why did no-one think of it before? They all looked around at each other and said.......... ….”Tess, we would all love to give you the job, but the people upstairs have a real problem about it. When you presented the show last week, they could see that you were good. Too good. You showed up Bruce and everyone else who had been on their short list.”
    “So, what do I have to do to change their mind’s?” Tess asked.
    “Well,” they said. “You could try this”…….
    ...nothing. How could they let her down lightly? The situation was saved for the time being by the arrival of a memo from the very top which said they were going to have a referendum for all the current posters on the forums to have a vote for who they wanted. The winner was...
    ....Bruce Forsythe.....well the boards went into meltdown..the line were jammed...the m/b's crashed with shouts of its a fix, its a conspiracy.. the Beeb issued a statement saying.....

    ...and she was handed Brucie's Book of Old and Sad Jokes, 1950 edition. She took it home with her and soon .....
    ........realised that she may have made a bloomer(!) and that maybe there was someone else just waiting in the wings. She picked up the phone to call....
    ...Sir Terry Wogan to invite him over to guest appear on the show doing stand up in attempt the Bruce would learn some new tricks. He refused but instead sent.... Alan Dedicoat.
    “Deadley, this could be your big break,” Terry had said. “Think about it. Your’s is the authoritative voice of Strictly. It is you who really holds that show together. It is time the audience saw you. What do you say to that?”

    Deadley thought about those words as he stood in the middle of the large studio. ……
    .... A couple of T.O.G. But she realised straight away that they would be no better than Brucie. Then she had as wonderful idea..........
    ..that they should all take the week off and go to the disco in London tonight! But the producers objected and...
    Ushered Bruce’s two script writers into the studio.
    “Try and work out some lines with these guys,” Tess was told.
    She eyed the two men and realised that they were drooling as they came out with the joke for her. It was a racy sketch about Ali and Brian.
    “I can’t come say that!” Tess protested.
    “Are you doddery?” one asked.
    “Certainly not.”
    “I know,” said the other. “Try this. It will really crack the audience up…” ……
    insisted that no-one drank anything strong! However, after 2 or 3 hours in that disco, the dj there put a complaint into the manager about......................the standard of their dancing. "If they can't sort out the heel leads pretty smartish they will have to go" he said. And that is how the all ended up at...
    Bruno's italian resturant..........Trouble was that the chef took one look at the sudden "invasion" of all the dancers and celebs and started to......................
    dial Gordon Ramsays number for advice. Not a good move...from the earpiece they could hear ' what the������� ������� they had Gary������� ������� Rhodes on that������� ������� show, throw 'em all out' By now the troupe were tired, so they decided to stay the night at...
    ....Craig's plaice.......but they all thought it had become rather fishy so they moved on to.....
    the tourist info centre in Blackpool......... asking if they knew a place they could all stay the night. It seemed that they were in luck because.............
    the hotel they contacted had just been rebuild but was not yet open to the public. They all got the bus up to Blackpool where they...
    ....they were told that a week or so ago the Tower Ballroom had been left in an awful state following a function and that if they were prepared to do a bit of cleaning up they could then sleep there. At the they all....put their heads together and decided that...........if they played their cards right they would get....................
    ...a genuine tan that didn't need weekly topping-up. So they all changed into their cossies and skipped off down to the beach but once there...they were flooded by people wanting their autographs and photos taken with them. They got up...
    to strike a pose for the cameras (but later it was discovered that Lionel Blair had crept into all the photos). 'This isn't much fun' shiverered Tess in the fading Blackpool sun, 'lets have a proper holiday to...
    ...Skeggie' But she was shouted down by the rest of the dancers and so they all ended up by going to....
    Florida by conning the BBC head brass into letting them go for free and promising to put on a spectular show that would help Strictly boost their ratings and beat the X-factor. Their idea for the show.......wa to stage it in the mango swamps of Floriday. Celebs and partners would have a tent, a luxury item, and a box of matches. Dances would take place in the crocodile marshes, last couple standing (with two legs) would be winners. However the plan immediately backfired when it was discovered that practical Antons luxury item was.........well Anton being Anton had thought he might build a tree house so be had brought along 10 pairs of stilts. The others no wanting to be legless (without the vodka) immediately grabbed them. This led to.....
    Anton ripping off his cardie to reveal a perfect six pack and bulging biceps. 'Touch my stilts and it's the last stilt you'll touch' he snarled. The ladies, and some of the men, swooned at the display of hunkiness that was Anton. He was instantly declared King of the Swamp, and they all headed back to London to....
    ……. be met by a furious producer.
    “Where have you lot all been,” he cursed, as he bundled them all into a mini bus. “Now get back to that studio and start to get it ready for next Saturday’s show. You haven’t got Ronnie Corbett to hold it together for you this time.”
    “Oooo eck,” Tess said, as they were driven away. “We are really in trouble this time. Never mind, I have a great idea. …….
    My idea is too get James and Katya out front presenting with Claudia and Brendan in the back room and the rest of you, non competing dancers, running about talking to various people in the audience to fill in the gap we now have as we are 1 couple down and the show is longer!������� 

    'Urch what a bad idea!' screamed...
    Claudia 'I'm not going into the backroom with Brendan, he would...
    eat me alive. I want..to develop a singing career'. At this revelation the room fell silent. No-one had ever heard Claudia sing.
    They hastily sent for Dave Arch, so he could give Claudia an audition. ''What song did you have in mind dear?' he asked....
    Claudia burst out in full song.......It Takes Two baaabbbeeya It Takes Two to make a dream come true - it just takes two. With ringing in his ears Dave Arch......
    reluctantly agreed to let Claudia sing in the band ... Hayley the lead singer, however .....
    .took great personal offence but was finally packed off to a voice teacher in Moscow with stern instructions to learn how to sing sweetly and not like a glasscutter, and the world fell strangely quiet. Claudia decided quickly that having to stand up to sing was not her style, so she went docilely back to ITT and Dame Shirley Bassey took her place. Dave Arch winked at her, breathed a huge sigh of relief, and the Queen of Beltovas relaunched her careeer.������� 
    Meanwhile, deep in the basement of the BBC, in a discarded box of feathers and pink tutus a ready-tanned male six-packed form stirred, yawned and woke up. It was ........................
    .......Peter Andre. "ARGH" screamed........Lional Blair who as we know is an avid SCD fan but no no no he screamed this is more than a person can take Peter Andre and Shirley Bassey...how could you do this to such a loyal fan as I......it is not fair....the producers could not stand the screaming and ......
    ...used Ola's duct tape to good effect....
    ....yes this did have the desired result but suddenly there was a chorus of no no no not Shirley Bassey not Peter Andre
    the producers ran out of duct tape and Katie suddenly made a very dramatic and unexpected appearance.. well everyone just...
    ...fled screaming as fast as their little legs would carry them, this was A Celebrity Too Far.........too far....too far... they feld north and south, east and west but Katie just.......
    ...kept on coming, just like the Terminator. It was the scariest thing any of them had ever seen, except for...
    ....Predator meets the Aliens well they were just all so scared and kept on running and running until.......
    ...to their immense relief a journalist(!) from OK magazine apeeared on the horizon, and Katie headed towards him with the velocity of an Exocet Missile and then some punction kicked in and they could all have a breather.

    "Phew, that was a close one" exclaimed...
    ....Peter Andre... well in all the rush they had forgotten he was there.... but the journalists saw him.....quick quick yelled Anton call the....
    ...Grimebusters! At once several tall bald men dreessed entirely in yellow apeared with a large nte on a pole....and demonstrated to Peter Andre how to do pole dancing convincingly if there were enough cans of Fosters kept up in the net. Pete's publicist tried dripping some tears to run down his cheeks, but an impatient Yellow Man tipped a whole bucket of saline over him, which caused Peter to shrink, and shrink until he became small enough to fit in Ola's pocket. She did not like that at all. "Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrghhhhhhhhh!!!"
    ..."How am I supposed to tweak the nipples of a man that size?" she asked incredulously......
    .....thankfully Chris was there and said don't worry Ola Chops, I will dispose of him for you and popped Peter into an empty Fosters can...but the yellow man suddenly developed an interest in the pole dancing idea and....
    ......ummmm...Chris said get him out of the fosters can and I will show you as he cracks up laughing!!!1 The yellow man was most perturbed and shouted what about my......pole dancing! ...I want to pole dance I want to pole dance!!
    He jumped up and down having a tantrum ... which resembled one that .....
    Brendan (sorry darling) had had on one occasion.
    The other dancers sighed and...
    ...threw the pole away saying that SCD was pure and wholesome and didn't do poles. Then they all got to work to produce a group waltz to relaunch the show. Vincent had some great ideas to make it fresh ...
    and promptly asked for silence while he explained his idea. During this explaination Anton elbowed Ola and said..........
    ..."Look Ola, we're going to have to call for an ambulance for TangoEd, he's going blue in the face and starting to������� ������� " Ola looked stunned...
    ..I can't understand a word he is saying. 'Shall we go and have a cup of coffee until he is finished yacking?'
    So off they went and who should they meet but...
    ....tango-ed's other half whose name is Ed. Ed says who called my OH a he then was it that Dolly. I can't understand a word she say's either. Now, if I had the chance I would encourage Ola to....
    ......try out line dancing! I reckon she has the figure to make a go of that! Just as he was saying that there came the sound of high heels aproaching the door, followed by a hand on the door opening it!������� 

    Ah here you all are said...........
    Tom Chambers who had been scaling TVC to try and find SCD
    'I want to talk to you about appearing in Waterloo Road...you would have to...'
    ...dance the Light Fandango whilst wearing...
    ....a line dancing costume....poor Ola had never seen Waterloo Road but thought that can't be right and said can't I wear feathers instead but.....
    ...Erin said "No don't wear feahters! You'll end up looking like Big Bird's mother and get knocked out the competion!" So Ola...
    ....went to the costume department and burst into tears...I am having such a bad day... I don;t know what to wear.....but then.......Shirley Bassey made a grand entrance but unfortunately.........she ran out of bricks half way through, so The Grand Entrance then became more of a garage door. And she broke one of her finger nails and let out a ...
    ...howl that raised the roof and dislodged a colony of slumbering������� ������� ������� that all swooped down with glee to alight on the head of ................
    ....Len, the bats really tickled his pickles and he ran around the room like a big girls blouse but then Len ..........tripped over his own walnuts and had to be taken to the....
    .....Picalilly Health Centre in Pickle St. W.Walnut. Where am I he said...All the other patients tried to convince them they were good dancers and.....
    ....did not have swine flu. But after some suspicious oinking...
    noises from Len, the doctors decided to do an emergency x-ray of him. And lo and behold, what should appear on his x-ray but the missing....
    ...Knitted Charater from Harry Hill's TV Burp. How Len had managed to ...when Len opened his mouth he often put his foot in it so there was plenty of room for a little knitted character. Len started spouting about unnecessary lifts but no one in the hospital knew what he meant but advised him to use the stairs on the way out. Soon he was on his way to...
    Craig wanted to get his own back on Len so he waited until Len had gone home and went to bed.������� 
    He then crept in through a window, but he was totally unprepared for what was waiting for him there.
    It was.............
    ....Brucie's Book of Old Jokes. So that was what Len was studying for - he wanted to be the next presenter on SCD. He pocketted the book and hot footed it over to ....Dave Arch! Seen what Ive found he said? I always wondered about this.
    What do you think to it? Dave pulled a face, and after a lot of thinking he said.........
    "I think..... I need some glasses" just then Arlene Phillips bursting in screaming "I want to...........
    ............dance with Peter Andre! I reckon it will be ok now he is on his own.������� 
    Again dave did some face pulling, looked at craig and said "Are you thinking what I am thinking?" Craig raised his eyebrows. But before he could answer, Arlene got on her high horse again and shouted............."I want to be a judge again" I'm getting bored with watching the show I want to just judge if I can't I want to eat a..........
    ..............portion of squid rings with chips and mushy peas! You will have to see the producer about that said craig. Shall we go and see him now?������� 
    They started walking down to his office, but when they arrived there, there was a sign pinned to the door. It read............
    knock once to open the door, knock twice to get a christmas present. Arlene decided she wanted a christmas pesent more so she knocked 2 timesc and waited....(the c I put was meant to be a space:
    2 timec)............then through a cat flap on the door she saw her present a pair of gold.......................
    shoes which looked the right size. As she approached them..
    ..... Rebecca Adlington appeared and grabbed them.
    "I wondered where my gold Jimmy Choos had gone," she said. "I'm sure they have a mind of my own."
    She wandered off, leaving Arlene feeling ............completely over the moon....she had the gold jimmy choos in her bag and she crept out of the back door with her prize but just then
    … she was grabbed by a harassed looking lady.
    “Go to the back of the queue, dear,” she said.
    “What?”
    “I said join the queue. I can’t have people jumping the queue now can I? If you want to be considered as Bruce’s replacement you must take your turn.”
    Arlene was led to the back of the lengthy queue. She passed Graham Norton, Gethin Jones, and Vernon Kay. No surprise to see them there, although she thought they would have been spared the indignity of a queue. Katherine Jenkins had been a surprise. But Arlene was amazed to see …….
    Tom Chambers dancing up the to the door with Camilla Dallerup pushing past everyone and knocked on the door twice through the catflap fell a card Arlene peaked over to see written on the card Dear Tom............
    ...When you are the new Brucie please can I be your Tess? I promise I will never...
    ...dress up in a schoolgirl's uniform or even mention the name C******a." But Madame Acid Drop wanted the whole Northen Hemisphere cleared for her Return to Strictly, so put her gloved finger on the Red Button ..............
    ...but nothing happened. It seemed the world had moved on and no longer wanted Arlene on SCD. She decided she would try a change of career and went immediately to sign up for a course of lessons on .......Mountaineering.
    It seemed the only route to the top again.
    She arrived at the class and found.....
    Chris Moyles recounting his trip up Kilimanjaro, and his fond memories of fellow mountaineer Alehsha Dixon. On hearing Alesha's name, Arlene...
    ...rushed next door to join the class who were studying mud-wrestling as she fancied getting down and dirty after all the glitter and sequins. After one class however
    Arlene decided to go home fr a cup of tea������� and maybe some cake������� ������� but Arlene was toooo hungry. She needed to have a bit to eat so she got out a megaphone and yelled......................"
    "I'm A Celebrity GET ME OUT OF HERE!" to which Ant and Dec ran in saying..
    "Here's a bath of cockroaches, a binful of termite grubs and mayo on the side. If you don't scoff the lot you'll be transmogrified into Katie Price."
    Fuming and furious, Arlene stepped into the cockroach bath, failed to apologise to those that were squashed, and popped the first termite grub into her mouth.
    "AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHHHHH""Arlene screamed. She needed to get home so she ran for it. After she had got 1/2 mile she stopped and panted
    'I need a stiff gin after the day I've had' so spying a friendly village pub in the distance she rushed into the bar. It came as a bit of a shock to her when she saw who was behind the bar ...It was Ricky Whittle hiding after being "released" by the police.������� 
    The arrows on his clothing, the handcuffs still dangling from one wrist and fingertips dark from ink gave him away though. The barman was keeping a crowd of pararazzi away with his peanut gun and a supercharged beer pump. "Can do with yer help, darli'" he hissed at Arlene - "Aim the beer nozzle at the papparazzi and push that lever if any of them approach."
    Then into the pub stepped Ali in her Bill uniform and shouted: ...
    "dangerous person alert move away" Ricky looked up in surprise to see behind Ali..............
    ...Brucie. As usual he was interfering where he was not wanted but he gave his opinion of the situation by saying ....
    ..."Nice to see you, to see you....................Nice!" Ricky groaned not again he thought. Suddenly he saw Natalie Lowe staring at him she said.................
    "Late for training again!! 50 pressups NOW!" Then tucked a bottle of vodka under her arm as she frogmarched Ricky back to the gym.
    Ali thought it would be a good time to limber up and practise a few steps - Brucie offered to help, but trod on her good foot!! "Oopps!" said Brucie, "that wasn't meant to be."
    "Neither were you," said...........
    ...Brian and whisked Ali off to the training room. Brucie went back into the bar and got out his Boys Book of Old Jokes ready for Saturday. On page 3 he found a good one all about....
    a sheep and a actress. meanwhile Ricky was doing pressups he had done 27/50 and Natalie was getting bored waiting for him to finsh so she slipped out the back door and started up her car and started out to M&S............
    to buy Ricky a pair of socks. (to be read in an annoying voice) Not just any socks, but luxury Marks and Spencer socks, with a hint of soft, plush velour, and finished with a plume of golden thread.
    (normal voice again) Natalie was so busy looking at the sock display that she forgot..
    to come back to the training room. When Ricky had finished he was very shocked and ran home to find..............
    .....Brucie shouting sock it to em....sock it to em....and....
    Tess shouting" I'm hungry I want a doughnut!!!" Ricky ran 10 miles in the other direction, but then he bumped into...........a lampost! Ouch!, he said. Where am I? I seem to be totally lost now. I need to get back to practising my dance. Then he heard a . . .
    voice it was Ali Bastian holding a pair of handcuffs befofre Ricky could do anything Ali handcuffed him and he was in the police car going to police custody how am I going to dance now he thought. Just then they stopped and.......
    Ali said "no, it's got to be a fair contest". " I'm taking you back at top speed to Natalie so you can put in as many hours as you can before tonight's show". "Thank you so much", said Ricky. "You're a real star!" And so they quickly reached the dance studio and Natalie had returned from M and S with some fab clothes and some delicious food. They happily munched and then . . .
    ....Bruno entered the frame looking very serious indeed and said now everyone stop jumping up and down and being so dramatic....calm down dears and pull your socks up it is only....
    Bruce came in saying" It's bad to see you to see you bad!" Ricky & Natalie ran to a diffferent training room to find.........
    Bruce there too!!! How did you get there so fast, they said. When you're my age dears, you just glide! And then Ricky said . . .
    lets go to your house Natalie!" so they ran and when they arrived they were out of breath so they collapsed onto Natalie's sofa. Natalie suggested they....................have a look on the forums while they get their breath back. OK she said, lets get down to some serious training. Let's clear all the furniture out of this room and we can train here. They danced and danced until . . . They fell asleep. Natalie woke up at 1:37am and shouted at Ricky "wake up!" and then they danced up until lunchtime when Ricky had a paddy about.....................
    his outfit that evening. You look delightful Ricky, what's wrong with it? Well, said Ricky, I really don't think its my colour! Oh, i do sort of see what you mean said Natalie. I suppost lime green doesn't suit everyone. Why don't we get them to just do the tie in that colour and the shirt in black. Hurray, said Ricky and he cheered up straight away. Then . . .
    Len came in asking" Have you got any pickled walnuts I've eaten all of mine" Natalie hunted her kitchen to find a packet of..............................
    chocolate muffins from M and S and asked whether they would do. Len said well I'll try one. He did, and said No more pickled walnuts for me now, lead me to my nearest M and S Natalie. And so Natalie led Len to the nearest M and S which was . . .
    in Africa Natalie booked online and the next day the 3 of them were at the airport. But they did not let Ricky go so he had to stay behind meanwhile Natalie and Len were on the plane 2 hours away from Africa Natalie asked Len..........
    how are we going to make the show tonight? Len said don't you know Natalie, I've got a������� ! Oh well you might have said earlier Len and we could have got there so much quicker. But Natalie, you would never have experienced FIRST CLASS! Oh Len, you are so right. When they arrived in Africa . . .they jumped into Natalie's tardis������� and appeared at M & S Len saw a antique watch and wanted to buy it but as it was £500 he did not when they arrived at the food place Natalie...............................
    jumped as she saw how fattening the food was.������� 
    'Oh gosh!' she screamed and ran out and bumped into..
    a lamp-post, bumping her head. ' I don't BELIEVE it, that show is jinxed' said Richard Wilson (Victor Meldrew) who was walking by on his way to the Merlin studio. Richard was dressed in his medieval costume and Natalie, still dazed by the bump to the head, mistook him for
    A large tin of fish. Natalie stared at him then said to Len take me to A&E I.. I........oh...... and she fainted Len said "wait your turn, my food is more important." a M&S checkout person said".............................
    Aren't you that girl off Strictly Come Dancing? Yes she is, but we're in a hurry to get back for the show, said Len. The check out person packed up the food and Len carried the food and Natalie back to the������� . They were home in a flash, even Len hadn't had time to sample all the yummy delights. They raced into A and E and . . .
    you can't leave the poor lass!"...
    So Len shouted 'YOU'RE RIGHT' and dropped his basket of Coconuts (see my thready, haha) and carried Natalie to his car only to find...
    Chris Hollins driving off in it "Hey come back here!" shouted Len furious and bright purple Natalie stared and goggled until Len said"........................
    I'll mark him down tonight, just you wait and see. They looked around and saw Craig throughing 1 paddles at Len. Len decided to start throughing 6 paddles at Craig because he had got rid of all the others Natalie continued to goggle at them "STOP" shouted..........................
    You might need those 6 paddles for Chris Hollins and you, Craig, might need those 1 paddes for him too! Both judges stared and each other. There's not much wrong with you if you can speak so sensibly Natalie. Let's just get to the BBC as quick as possible. How, enquired Natalie? And just then they heard a 'woosh' behind them, it was . . .
    Anton waving madly out the window of Craig's car "Hey I'll give you a 1 yoou..you..." said a furious Craig then they saw Natalie Cassidy eating the last packet of pickled walnuts"why does every couple come here do they all want to get 1s" said Len. Meanwhile Ricky was waiting looking at his watch hoping Natalie would get back in time suddenly............
    a he heard a reving engine outside. It was Craig, Len, Nat and Natalie C! Hurray, said Ricky, we can dance after all. Natalie said, I haven't had my hair and make up done yet. Don't worry, said Chris Hollins who promptly sprayed her all over with fake tan. Ahhh, said Natalie, what am I going to do. Hold on said Ricky, I know what to do. So he . . .
    ran over to the nearest person but he busted his knee on the way.

    'ANOTHER INJURY' the others screamed.
    Ricky...got out a pink spray tan "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
    said Natalie Lowe as Ricky started spraying it "no blue looks better" said Natalie C who got out the blue spray tan "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH" Natalie L cried Leave her alone what she wants is a pickled walnut said Len. "Nooooooooooooooooooo" shouted...................... .......Ricky how am I going to coconut the night away on a busted knee? Don't you take me seriously? I am in ag-o-knee. But they couldn't see him through the clouds of pink and blue. You've busted your knee -where are you? Its a fix shouted.......
    Alesha. No one took any notice of them. Chris shouted" No! Yellow spray tan looks lovely!" so the colour yellow joined the spray tan cloud Natalie Lowe had a heart attack. Len shouted at the top of his voice "STOP, TAKE NATALIE TO A&E!!!" so Chris volunteered when they got there the docters said she was ok to dance but must come back for an appointmant on Monday. Natalie jumped in the car before Chris leaving him stranded at the hospital. When Natalie got back..............................
    .......Vincent. All zees pretend incidents you are inventing Ricky just to get zee sympathy votes, it is deesgusting.������� 

    I win points on my own merits, because I am a fabulous dancer, zee greatest latin lover, zee Italian stallion, zee most wonderful......just then Flavia burst in and looking down at Vincent told him too.......calm down or she would never dance with him again "whats zis" he said staring at a clipboard in Flavia's hands on it was a note: Remember to calm down Vincent: Check
    have a cuppa : no
    you never told me about zis!!! Flavia ran to her dressing room and locked the door "AHHHH!!!!" screamed.............
    Natalie C, have a piece of������� ������� it does wonders for my wobbly moments! Vincent took a great big bite and������� ! It works! You are a������� Natalie. What would I do without you. Then he . . .
    remembered they were out"oh my little piccolina, what I do without you???" he said sadly then he had a idea "let's go to...................
    strictly forums, we have so many fans there. I feel so much better reading all the nice comments. What will we do now? We'll sit on the bench in Albert Square and talk the good times over. Who do you think will win now Vincent, Natalie asked? Well, I think it will be . . .
    Ali. Just then Claudia appeared in front of them she had used her magical������� ������� tardis to get there "sorry! but I've lost my pair of 4ft 9in (thats roughly my height!!!) shiny black heels I know wear they are said Vincent they are in Len's dressing room!!! " thanks!" said Claudia and jumped into her tardis������� ������� Vincent said I want a.....................................
    pair of heels too. Natalie was forever going on about me not being tall enough. She even mentioned it tonight as why it was so difficult for us to do lifts. There were other factors too, but I was too much of a gentleman to say so. Nevermind, just get me a pair of heels, please, thank you. A pair of heels arrived as if by magic. Vincent tried them on and . . .
    said " those are lovely then he nogocated the £34.00 price tag down to £30.00 " What a bargain!" said Natalie C Vincent started parading around shouting " look at...... ME!!!" Natalie decided to go home leaving a note telling him. Vincent started doing a........................commisseration dance. I did get to the final last year, I did.������� If it wasn't for that good looking Tom I might have won - who knows. I wonder who will be my partner next year??? Vincent had a dream that it was . . .
    Fern Britten she might be older������� but she will be good I just know it!!! the only prob is she might be too tall Vincent looked at some photos of previous partners and compared them to Natalie " well they do look a bit different but...." Suddenly he heard a scream which sounded like......................
    Chris Hollins!!! I can't believe it, I got through!!! Well done said Vincent, ever the gentleman, even though he was a tad jealous������� . Do you think I can make it to the final Vincent, he asked? Well, said Vincent, . . .
    If the judges don't undermark you and the public stay voting who knows". Chris jumped in his tardis������� " Hey I want a zardis zoo!!!" so Vincent went onto Amazon and brought one that could transport you up to a speed of 45 miles per second which was £350 Vincent emailed all his friends about his new buy. Then tired but happy he.................
    received an e-mail from Amazon re. his Order:
    "Your session has expired. This is probably due to inactivity or could have happened if you cleared your cookies. If the problem persists try signing in again."
    "Cookies? COOKIES?? Where's ma Garrabaldis?!?"
    Suddenly, he ...
    saw Ola out of the window Ola said "want to join in my cheeky cha cha? " "ok!!!" he said running out to find as well a freebie gift������� from Ola it was a tardis! " thank you zo zuch!" "No probelms, I was sent 2 for my birthday!" Just then.............................a gong sounded ...all the children were sent to bed.....there was a deathly silence......a strange noise was heard....suddenly a troupe of dancing daleks appeared on one side of the ballroom.....then...in marched a formation of Riverdance......then 16 professional dancers fox trotted in the door...then......all the past guest performers made an entrance.... .what is happening cried...........Kylie Minogue. All of a sudden David Tennant rushed in and said������� 'I WANT TO DANCE!' and with that he sat himself cross legged on the stage and refused to move until... ...they found him a partner. Lilia said she would give it a go as it was a long time since she'd danced with a celeb. Darren threw a hissy fit because he rather liked having Lilia all to himself but said she could do just one dance. So they chose....
    the salsa. David was dressed a bit like Ricky Whittle and...
    ..tried to copy his dances by lifting Lilia up over his head. Before Len could shout 'illegal lift' he dropped her and she came crashing to the dance floor. Because we have had enough of hospitals on this thread she was rushed instead to .....
    ...had shaved his head. It REALLY didn't suit him, so...
    oops ignore post 564

    ...Scotland Yard, where Sherlock Holmes and Watson were...
    ......examining the evidence....was it an illegal lift or not.....did the "drop" make any difference..did it contravene the rules.....Sherlock said......the judges had to add a point on fore sympathy. Len was shouting: "GIVE THEM A 2!!!" loudly Suddenly Ali ran up and said "I'll show you how it's done!" "AHHHHHHH!!!" screamed............
    ... Len, "Don't touch me!" All of a sudden, Len started to scratch at his head, and before long his nose was askew. Everyone looked on, aghast, as Len took off his a-month-too-late Halloween mask to reveal Julian Clary underneath it. "I've just been backstage, letting one off. These modern fireworks are so rough and in your face these days ... just how I like it".������� 
    Ali collapsed ...
    .....it was all too much for her...she had thought it strange that Len had been wearing a bright pink suit...then Julian started to wave his stick around and said......."even if I can't dance I'd like to have a go at conducting the 'amazing orchestra' ". This they agreed to so...
    ..Julian started to wave his sparkly baton vigorously at the orchestra, but all the sequins flew of his baton willynilly and hit....Len's willynilly. "Lucky you pickle your walnuts" chortled Julian.������� ENTR'ACTE
    Back in Tess's room, things were getting really really weird. And I'm talking "Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me" weirdness here. Little Man From Another Place, sorry, Chris, was ...
    knitting a new catsuit for James. And Laila was ...
    ...gently stoking Anton's fringing. All of a sudden...
    Anton leapt from the sofa and yelled . . . . . .
    .....Julian...Julian...I don't want fringes.....lend me your....
    ear..and struth!, he broke into a sonnet! Everyone.....was astonished when he began to declaim������� " The best laid schemes o' mice an' men
    Gang aft a-gley"������� Everyone looked bewildered.They had no idea that.......Anton's real name was McBeke and he always celebrated St Andrew's day doing something with a haggis.
    When he'd finished declaiming the poem he.... ...set thet young haggis free. "Freedom" shrieked the haggis, in delight, who then ran for the hills muttering under her breath "Nae man can tether time or tide.....or me"������� 
    "Cor Blimey" exclaimed Anton.....
    ..I didn't like that thing' and with that he...
    ...donned his kilt and broke into a crazy sword dance, finishing up by ....
    ...showing everyone that he was not, in fact, a True Scotsman. Laila, on seeing the awesome sight...
    burst out crying and ran away, and was followed by...... a deep fried Mars Bar!!!! Just then...
    she tripped on a coconut and fell flat on her...
    ...Bounty Bar. "OOOf" she cried "fetch me a....
    galaxy! So Jo Wood heard her cry and ran to the shop but they were out of Galaxy so she brought back a...
    ...box of Crunchy Nut Cornflakes. "Mmmmmmmmmmm cornflakes" said Jo ,sounding spookily like Homer Simpson...
    and just than Lisa burst through the door screaming 'Dad!' as she swore she heard his voice. Jo turned around and...
    ...rushed out to look for Brendan as he understood all she had been through. Eventually he was discovered in ......his lounge weeping into a pillow.������� 
    'What's up babe?' Jo asked.
    He replied...
    ... "Oops, well I THOUGHT that was a Paracetamol tablet I took last night, but when I checked it was a Viagra ... *clears throat*. So, that and my blood pressure are up at the moment. And you know who I blame for it all?" ...
    'No' Jo said...
    'I blame Richard Dunwoody!' (he hasn't been mentioned yet) 'I blame him because...'
    "... I'm Australian, and we never ever have to take 'tablets' to help down under. Never. Richard Dunwoody left that sugarcube in my flat, and never even told me he was using it as cover to help his new horse in stud. The swine!"
    Just then, ...An annoucement came that Ali and Brian had run off to Argentina to practice the AT so the search part had been sent to go get them and... ... after a few days everybody forgot about Brian and Ali.������� 

    Meanwhile Richard Dunwoody was quietly practising for the next Saturday show and going for fittings of his gold lame catsuit. He was confident that .... ...so long as he could stay in the saddle, he would be able to get round the floor with panache. Hoever he had reckoned without....
    Hoever???
    However...he had reckoned without...
    .... the fringing on the gold lame catsuit. He remembered what happened to Ramps and suddenly panicked which made him ...
    ...foam at the mouth as his bit was too tight, so...
    ...he reared up and poor Lilia was sent crashing to the floor. Game girl that she is, she was soon up (so no need to get hospitals involved again) and threw a bucket of cold water over Richard.������� This had the effect of....
    ...starting World War III, which had been simmering along nicely on another thread.������� ������� Lilia, knowing that discretion was the better part of valour, grabbed Richard and said "Run for the hills.....
    along the Yellow Brick Road to the Sound of Music."
    Richard found a ready-harnessed race horse standing by, threw Lilia up, then asked her to pull him up onto the������� , which then galloped for the hills along the YBR to the SOM.
    Meanwhile, back in Disneyland, a rather unusual Mickey Mouse was planning to rain on everybody's parade by .......salsaing with Minnie and then announced they were running off to Latvia for a sabbatical. This alarmed Darren Bennett in particular because..
    ...he knew they were sneaking off to practice on the music machine so they could beat his score. "Rain on my parade, will you!" he shouted angrily....
    ......but Mickey was having none of it. I have one moaning minnie he shouted back and you are turning into another one.....where do you think you are anyway........
    ...in Eastenders?" Argh!" gargled Minnie....
    "Make mine a bitter!""Gerrouta my pub!!Youre all barred" shouted Ena Sharples, and Len fairclough asked for a bag of plain crisps just as....
    ... outside in the road a container lorry's rear end opened up and showered the pub with pink tutus and - oh dear - Frank Skinner and Shane Ritchie came sailing in through the window to a chorus of ...........................
    "Roll Aht The Barrel"...accompanied by Chas n Dave(Arch) on the old Joanna...
    'Hey, Dave me old mate' yelled Shane ' Here's a dare for you...on next Saturdays show you have to wear this tutu instead of your suit'.������� 
    Well, it's a little known fact that Dave Arch cannot resist a dare, so the next Saturdays SCD he stood up to take a bow, donned only in his headphones and the pink tutu. However......Julian Clary fainted with envy......Lilia demanded to know where she could get a replica.......Shane had secretly placed bets and was busy collecting them and the whole place decended into chaos until.......
    a piercing scream rang out. 'Oi, you, yes you with the baton. That's MY tutu, give it here'. Gone were the demure smiles, Darcy Bussell was striding towards Dave Arch with an enraged glint in her eye. Dave Arch was only saved from having the tutu ripped off him by...
    ...John Barrowman...who cried in sheer indignation and an equally enraged glint in his eye..........Darcy....how very dare you come near my tutu...prove it really belongs to you....so Darcy pulled herself up to her full height and said I will judge this matter myself....oh no you won't said......
    ... Wayne Sleep. "You know that's MY tutu, you little oik. I let you borrow it after my run playing Squirrel Nutkins at the Dominion. I want it back, and I want it clean!"

    All of a sudden, a huge big pile of green paint whooshed down onto Darcey's head from above. She shrieked, and so did Darcey. Wayne took a deep breath and exclaimed "Whoever that was knows that green is my least favourite and least flattering colour. Now, who could it have been?" ... They all looked up to where the paint had come from, but all they saw was a swinging bucket on a rope, and bright green footprints leading off in the direction of ...Alesha Dixon.
    'Urgh! Why?!' screamed Darcey getting up and marching over to Alesha
    Alesha began to run but who was blocking her exit but....
    ... Alesha, who slipped on a green-paint footprint so fast that she blocked her own exit.������� 
    "OK, OK, I admit it was me, but I wasn't aiming for Darcey. I was really aiming for ..."
    Lionel Blair who was behind Darcey in the audience. I dislike him because...
    "... HE got a Gotcha on "Noel's House Party" and I never. Plus he left us "Give Us A Clue" megafans high and dry when it was cancelled. The swine".

    *Clearing throat*

    They all turned round to see Lionel behind them, tap tap tapping away in time with the raindrops on the outside window pane. He paused, then made to speak.

    "I have something important to say." ...

    Lionel grabbed the mike ....tip tap...bop bop...I can dance until I drop..the show could be fab..... if it included me...gimme a chance and you will see....
    NOoooooooooooooo screamed.........
    ... Simon Cowell. "That was probably the worst performance I've ever seen. I don't think you're the sort of person we're looking for on this programme".

    Lionel whimpered. "But, I DO have Talent!"

    "Sorry, but you DON'T have the X-Factor".

    Just then ...
    ...5000 scorpions fell out of a large bucket above Simon's head."Help!" he shrieked!" I'm a Celebrity, get me....
    .......Susan Boyle appeared. "I hear this is a place where people can learn to dance" she said. "Mind you if he (pointing thumb over her shoulder) is teaching then I will give it a miss!"
    Simon looked at her and said........
    ... nothing, as $ signs appeared in his eyes. He thought to himself "Susan Boyle does singing AND dancing? Hmm ..."

    Meanwhile, back in the land of Scot, ...
    ...they were getting ready for a Hogmanay show. Brendan had ironed his kilt and Anton had shaken the moths out of his and they were looking forward to meeting the new choreographer who was ...............Billy Connelly .........
    ......who thought.....aye....Susan Boyle as a dancer eh.....rubbing his beard he thought.......
    .......but this wore his brain out.������� 
    Susan Boyle was now installing a full make-up studio in order to retouch her lipstick, with a little help from a steady tanned male hand ..............
    .......she fell off her chair out of pure excitement....Billy was not happy with this as he was still recovering from all the thought......have you hurt yourself woman he yelled? No she said it is just that......
    (*waves*)
    I am not all that happy at the moment anyway.������� 
    'You know, I have always dreamt of....""... dreams, but this is a nightmare".
    "Always look on the bright side of life, do-do, do-do-do, do-do-do" ((c) E. Idle)
    Susan turned round to see Kenny Logan stood there in his kilt, singing. "If life seems jolly rotten, there's something you've forgotten ..."
    Cripes!" shrieked Susan, "There is something I've forgotten ..."

    .."I should have got dressed after getting up this morning."

    "We decided not to notice, hen, "muttered Billly, "but the face paint does help. Kenny, mind if you take off your kilt and lend it to this wee lady?"
    Kenny promptly replied. But then the world discovered the writing on his (illegal) boxer shorts: ........
    ...I'm meant to be switching the Christmas lights on at Glasgow Town Hall this evening. Can any one give me a lift there?' She was in luck as the first person to volunteer was........Kenny....but Kenny she cried...we only have one kilt between us....how are you going to get to the car...think... think... I am due there for 7pm.....if everyone sees those boxer shorts they will think that you are........
    a stripper I have just picked up from a club.������� 
    'No they won't" Kenny exclaimed. 'They will know it is me! and besides, I have a nice...".. big sporran to protect the eyes of any innocent passers-by. Well, Gabby seems to like it anyway".
    "Taxi for SuBo!"
    Susan raised her eyebrows. "What? Who rang me a taxi?"
    A door suddenly closed behind them. Kenny leapt forward, like a big Scottish trout, and raced to the door, flinging it open. And who was stood there, with a look of terrible guilt on their face, but ...
    ...Alesha - everything this year is Alesha's fault. 'I think I will look good in tartan' she said, and produced out of her bag the tiniest kilt that Kenny had ever seen. All he could think of to say was ....
    Oh my, that is...' *gulp*
    Alesha walked forward to Kenny and...
    ...took him in hold to perform the Argentine Tango. 'I'm really good at this' she said and started to do those fiddly steps which involve her putting her legs between Kenny's. He thought it was great fun but he had trouble with ......his sporran.....the christmas trees lights that decorated his boxer shorts had gotten all entangled and suddenly he started to glow...this caused Alesha to.....
    ...scream 'You was rubbish - I need a better partner than you. I'm going to ring up ....'
    ..Wills, cos he needs to keep up his fitness level if he's going to keep up with Kate. Six Charlestones a day should do it."������� 
    Just then, up came a minicab and whisked her off to London.
    Stunned, saddened by her absence, Scotland pulled itself together and got ready for immediate independence from Westminster, this meant bunting, John Barrowman, David Tennant and the Man of the Moment, ..........................
    ... Gordon Brown. He was carried along the Royal Mile and along through the streets like a King, by his most loyal and admiring subjects. He was even given a free Season Ticket to "Strictly Come Scottish Dancing" ...

    "Arrrrgggghhhhhh!"

    Alex Salmond awoke with a fright, and shivered. It had all been a dream. But that's when he noticed those rips in his sheets, and then he knew that there had been a nightmare in his street. Just then, a loud snore came from the other side of his bed. He lifted up the duvet, and who should be lying there, but ...a deeply asleep Aliona still wearing her false nails and eyelashes. Unused to comely female company in such close proximity, our Alex phoned the new European Council President for help, but pressed the wrong buttons and got through to the Obamas instead.������� 
    There was an instant reply. A warm voice down the phone said "Hello, Michèle here."
    "Oh, wow, can I have your autograph?" was all he managed to say.
    "Where would you like it?" Michèle asked kindly. But no reply, - the overheated Alex had fainted, which woke Aliona up.
    "What the ........................?"
    "... Foxtrot is that fool doing? You're a fake and a phoney and I wish I'd never laid eyes on you!"

    Aliona stomped out of the flat, and Waltzed off down the Royal Mile.

    She had just reached the Scott Monument, when Adam Lyal (Deceased) from the Witchery, Murdery And Mystery Tour tapped her on the shoulder, and said ...I know a nice cafe down the road shall we go? Aliona gasped and said"........'Go out with you?! To a café?!' she exclaimed and staggered away. Just then...a huge pickled walnut was walking down the street it had 2 legs + 2 arms poking out some holes Aliona guessed immediatly who it was it of course was...........
    Mr Len Goodman.
    'Fancy seeing you here!' he shouted!...'Hey! Why are you not at TVC!'������� 
    Aliona replied...
    Matthew coming to remind her about a group pro dance rehearsal that she was in the process of missing. They both hailed a passing pumpkin and whisked away, failing to turn left at the cumulous clouds and found themselves on a beach in sunny Bermuda.
    "Dya think we ought to phone the BBC to say we might be late?"
    "Nah, sweetheart, pass the rum and settle down by me."

    Meanwhile, far away under leaden skies, James was directing the choreography with his pink duster, hypnotising them all into������� submission except for ............
    Ola, who was too busy wondering whether the pink duster could be made into her next salsa dress
    Meanwhile back in Bermuda, Matthew turned to Aliona before any physical contact had been made and said very firmly 'You're so not my type, I'm flying back to TVC without you. And he did.������� 
    Meanwhile, back in the studio, James was...faffing about trying to set things up for tonight. His phone rang and who was it but...
    .Bruce, who said he had a bit of a sniffle, so wanted to save himself for the final, so could James present the semifinal for him instead?
    James said yes immediately, and arranged for a flying harness for Tess as well. She was delighted with the idea, changed her short dress for a lamé catsuit and came in to practise.
    "Wow, Tess, you are well fit!" breathed .........Matthew who had just returned back at TVC.������� 
    'Why thank you darling' Tess winked. Just then Vernon came barging in.������� 
    'I have been...'
    ... sick .......well said Tess you've just ruined my street cred....you didn't have any anyway.... what are we going to do... I know lets get advice from..... ..Gok, he can sort out your image. So Tess and Vernon headed off to visit the fashion maestro. This left James to present the show, but he still needed an assistant. 'I think it's time we had a bit of class on the show' he said,' so for my co-presenter I'm going to choose....'
    ......but Gok had other ideas....he took one look at Tess and Vernon and screamed ...there is no hope. I am the master of class...and he went running back to James...I think you should have a different presenter every week chosen by me.. my first choice is...Lily Allen....James..nearly...
    fainted. 'Oo err Mr Gok' he said 'did you actually listen to the lyrics of her song? My mate Matthew had to dance while she was singing about..' Just at that moment one of the producers ran in with a worried expression.' Guys, bad news I' m afraid..
    "... of spiders. So Gok, you can forget that 'Spiderman' suit you were gonna get Chris to wear for his Show Dance, to show off his 'spider fingers'."
    "But Ola in her Catwoman catsuit and Chris in his Spidey suit would be a great and hideously garish combination. It'd be so ... now, girl."
    The Producer suddenly pulled a £15.00 Harrods voucher from his pocket, and said "I've had news from the top. BBC budget cuts and so-forth. So it's either use this for their costumes, or ..."...let's all go to Costa for a coffee and forget about the dancing.������� 
    So they all ....... went to Costa (or any other coffee-drinking establishment!) and forgot about the dancing.������� 

    "So, what else is there apart from dancing? Hey, anyone fancy going on next year's "Celebrity Sing-Song Pete Tong And Gok Wan Winner Only For Charity" televisual spectacle?"
    Everyone threw their (jazz) hands up in the air in anticipation, apart from ...
    ....Tess who has never really got the idea of rhythme or musicality. then she remembered that as a teenager her 'party piece' had always wowed the boys climbed onto the coffee table and balanced on her tippy toes, just like Kate Winslet in Titanic. Just as she was performing this, who should walk into the coffee shop but....... Kate Winslet. Coincidence? I think not.������� 
    Anyway, Brian commented on how groovy and delicious Kate looked, but that he already had his own Princess waiting to fill his stocking on Christmas morning.������� 
    "Ali Baba And The Forty Thieves" was playing at the Cinema down the road, and Kate was not pleased.
    "There's no C.G.I. or explosions or loud rock music in it. None at all! Disgraceful. I bet you lot could do a better job of producing a film than them".
    This suddenly got the gang thinking ...
    ....but in the end they decided to go for class rather than spectacular. Kate would be Snow White in their new film but what about the 7 dwarfs - there was Chris, Ola, Vincent to start with but who else could they get .......
    .....but it was back to the drawing board Chris and Ola had been signed up for the new spectacular stage version of the Hobbit and no-one but no-one wanted to play the dwarves so a lottery was organised and Brucie, Alesha, Dave Arch, Bruno, Craig,, Len and Vincents names were drawn out of the hat there were huge cries of but who is going to play the.....
    ....wicked step-mother. The gang decided that Arlene was a bit too obvious for an edgy production so they came up with Jo Woods or ....
    ......Edwina Currie...nah shouted Len the public would throw eggs what about ...Karen Hardy... No said Tess, St Karen she is not allowed to be wicked... so they all turned around and looked at Darcey.......but I am.....
    ..already booked in 2 pantos this Christmas, so you'll have to do without me.Let's be nice and get Susan Boyle on the show - she can present, Tess can be a contestant, and Claudia can take her turn as judge. Byee!"
    "Wot, me a judge?" gasped Claudia, in a nice way, then a slow smile spread across her face; "And get rid of ITT and that dancing machine??? Yes, indeed - I shall be a judge!!"
    "Why not?" said LenplusCraigplus Bruno, "at least the public know how to spell her name.!"������� 
    And so it came to pass that Claudia was made Head Judge for 2010, on account of her being a lady and the others all being mortally afraid of stiletto heels.
    this left the BBC redesigning the SCD set 'cos Claudia wanted more red than sickly pink. Instead of the twin staircases, they would put..........the wicked stepmothers mirror so Claudia who is now wicked plus head judge can say mirror mirror on the wall who is the fairest of them all but the mirror replied unexpectantly.........
    ....Ian - I really fancy him.
    So the mirror idea was ditched and a nice central staircase was put in with a stair lift for Brucie who insisted on coming back.
    The colour scheme Claudia chose was...
    dalmation.'Get me 101 puppies' she screeched, and added an evil 'Hee hee....and I want the judges seats to be made of ice, freezing ice' She rubbed her hands together....the power of Head Judge was hers.....nothing could stop her now...
    There was only one person who could stop Claudia from total Strictly Domination, and that person was....
    Darren Bennett!!
    Who is secretly an evil mastermind, planning to .......Bring in Lional Blair as Head Judge thereby scuppering any change of success for SCD in the future... thereby allowing Simon Cowell to....
    take part, and dance himself .... but only if he could be partnered with ......
    ....Erin "Whiplash" Boag wearing her governess outfit. Anton was put on a Virgin spaceship and Erin inserted a couple of extra clauses into her contract about permissible corporal punishment. Just then, Bruce got eaten by a giant turkey............
    .....but this did not stop Bruce...a strange choking sound suddenly permeated the room...gobble, gobble, gobble,.Erin Erin you must come do the Turkey Trot with me but Erin got out her...
    snowball and lobbed in his face and ran off. He was...
    ……… soaked.
    Before he could retaliate his mobile rang. All around him other mobiles were ringing.
    “Nice to hear you, to hear you nice,” he replied.
    “Where are you all?” a voice screamed.
    “Ooo eck, it’s the producer.”
    “I want you all here now, if not sooner. Have you all forgotten that we have a final to put on?”
    The tardis really came into its own. It picked everyone up and tracked backwards in time to arrive in the studio on Saturday morning, hours before the producer’s call. They all walked into the studio and found������� a bunch of award winning coconuts that were dressed as Tess and Brucie.
    They bent down and...
    .....had to step back quickly as a large dustpan and brush whisked them away.
    "Clear the floor," the producer bellowed. "Someone could do themselves an injury on that. If Ricky of Chris are injured we are really in a mess now we don't have a 3 couple final." He hauled Bruce and Tess to one side.
    "Now this is what I am expecting from you two this evening".....
    ..., and he demonstrated to them how to do a perfect impression of a turkey, on it's way for a day-out to Mr Matthews' farm.
    As Tess and Bruce looked exasperated, in came Wor Claud, looking misconflabulated. "Who's the duck?" she asked the other two.
    "That's us tonight, apparently" Tess responded, downheartedly.
    "Never mind. Remember, it's either doing what the BBC asks us to, or ..."doing turkey impressions with Bruce who would have preferred goose.......then Tess started to cry...Claud... full of sympathy raced over to her tripping over on her heels but whats up duck she asked .....Tess sobbed.......you'd be sobbing' she said 'if you had to spend all day with Vernon like I will now that SCD has finished' Then she had an idea ...
    Tess put Vernon in the BBC vacuum cleaner, rang up Brendan and got herself invited to Down Under. "Byeeeee........................." she waved as she stepped onto the gangway of a luxury cruise liner. "I'm going to put my feet up, get sloshed������� ������� ������� ������� and refuse to arrive before April." The cabin steward winked������� , offered Tess a lift in a handy wheelbarrow, and stowed her away in the hold.Tess was shown to a cabin after the ship had set sail. “The next stop will be Sydney, many weeks from now,” the steward said.
    “At last I have left Strictly behind me,” Tess thought. “No more dancing, mopping up celebrities or propping up the show’s host. Just me at last.”
    Tess opened the door to her cabin and entered.
    A light was turned on and a crowd bellowed “SURPRISE”.
    Horrified, Tess stared at the crowd from SCD.
    “I’m heading back to Oz,” Natalie said. Brendan, Erin, Katya and the Jordans are coming too. We are all joining DWTS in Oz”
    “I’ve been asked to take over the music,” said Dave. “The musicians and singers are all here too.”
    Len, Craig, Bruno and Alesha were all going to become the judges.
    I have 12 weeks of this non-stop journey, Tess thought. I can’t stand this. Then she saw Bruce.
    “What are you doing here?” she asked, although she had guessed.
    “I’ve been asked to lead DWTS in Oz,” Bruce replied. “But I insisted that I would only do it if you were there too.” The partying started and Tess managed to slide away. This was terrible. She stood on the deck and tried to scream, but no sound came. Then she remembered – at sea no one can hear you scream.
    Tess moved forward to the prow (the sharp end) of the cruise ship and prepared to leap off into the deep briny.
    "Just a minute," murmured Leonardo Di Caprio in her ear, "your arms should be like this, and then your hair should be flying in the wind like this."
    "Never mind about that, ducky," Tess snapped, "Can you get me off this boat before the chorus all join in?"
    "Sure thing, my 'copter's just here on the helipad. But what about your stuff?"
    "Damn the stuff," Tess sparkled. "5,6,7,8 - let's go!"
    And they went.
    The helicopter landing on a little fluffy white cloud and they both got out. And there they lived happy ever after ....... unless you know otherwise...!!!!!
    Meanwhile, down in Tess's cabin, they had run out of������� bubbly called room service for more. Shouldn't have done that - "Stowaways here!! Beware stowaways" rang out on loudhailers over the whole ship.
    "Not me," smiled Anton up in the VIP solarium, rewriting his CV and autographing new pictures of his six-pack.

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  • Message 3. Posted by jingle (U14151742) on Monday, 21st December 2009 permalink

    Bravo to all the authors!
    And many thanks to Stacey for taking the time and effort to paste all 700 posts together <applause>

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  • Message 4. Posted by NatashaxBCx (U14177722) on Monday, 21st December 2009 permalink

    Bravo Stacey for putting that together!

    Ha I <love> that thread

    Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!!

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  • Message 5. Posted by tango-ed (U14214216) on Monday, 21st December 2009 permalink

    Stacey

    Really enjoyed my little bit of being part of the story. Didn't know if it was a yearly thing - but do hope you do it again next year.
    Happy Christmas to you and the story tellers.

    <cracker>

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  • Message 6. Posted by MarkDance3 (U14255908) on Monday, 21st December 2009 permalink

    Well done Alan, well done <applause>

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  • Message 7. Posted by Stacey -TDH-LL-DL (U14112358) on Monday, 21st December 2009 permalink

    Thanks everyone :)


    The Strictly story will be back next year :)


    And it took me just over an hour to paste all 695 posts together!


    Merry Christmas everyone <holly>

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