Deleted  permalink

Caring for mum (or dad)

This discussion has been closed.

Messages: 1 - 6 of 6
  • Message 1. 

    Posted by Joe (U10693263) on ,

    On Thursdayís programme (You and Yours) Peter White will take a rather personal look back at his decision to have his elderly mother move in with him and his wife. Things didnít turn out exactly to plan. Itís not a decision he regrets but given another chance I think he might have managed things differently.

    What advice would you have given to Peter or to others who may be thinking about having an elderly relative move in?

    Are you in similar situation?

    What advice can you offer to help relieve the tension that can build up (in Peterís case between mum and partner, but in others between grand parent and child or even parent and son/daughter).

    Please do post you thoughts her.

  • Message 2

    , in reply to this message.

    Posted by bobthepoet (U10804427) on ,

    I just wanted to say that I found Peter White's personal contribution to this morning's itemon caring for elderly relatives was one of the most moving things that I have heard on the radio for a very long time. Having been through a similar experience with my grandma, and having worked in the care sector, I would just like to thank him for sharing his personal experience with us. To convey this without descending into mawkish sentimentality affirms his status as one of the truly great journalists and broadcasters working today. Thanks again Peter.

    Report message2

  • Message 3

    , in reply to this message.

    Posted by peskylogin (U2369503) on ,

    I'm so glad Peter White aired his experience of having his elderly mother move in - I had come to the conclusion that it would not be a good idea to invite my mother to move in with us for many of the reasons that became evident in his situation. This has done lots to ease the guilt. Thankyou.

    Report message3

  • Message 4

    , in reply to this message.

    Posted by Rosie Jump (U10807628) on ,

    Peter White explained very clearly the sad situation he and his family and mother found themselves in when he asked his mother to move in with his own family. What I failed to understand was why did he not think to explain especially to his mother how he expected the new situation to work. Could she not have used some of her own money to provide herself with separate accommodation yet under the same roof.

    I am approaching the age when I may find myself in a similar position as his mother. I hope my family if they should decide to invite me to live with them at least feel confident to discuss how I should behave in their homes. What on earth was wrong with her washing up or doing a little helpful dusting. He and his wife seem to be very over sensitive and yet not realise how hurt and unwanted she must have eventually felt in her last few months with them.

    Report message4

  • Message 5

    , in reply to this message.

    Posted by Mag Ratte (U228181) on ,

    I'd like to thank Peter White for having the courage to be honest about his whole family's experience.

    I'd definitely agree that when having anyone move into your house (be they child, newly graduated student, or elderly parent) a few house rules need to be agreed on right from the start. This prevents rows about the same things later on.

    While I can understand that his mother was just trying to pass the time and help out a bit, I also remember my nan scrubbing my mum's kitchen floor every time she came to visit - causing my mum to wince (it felt like criticism, not helping out).

    Report message5

  • Message 6

    , in reply to this message.

    Posted by SSJJRR (U10810518) on ,

    Peters Article was both candid and moving,

    My mother has found herself in a similar situation for the last 7 years, in her mid sixties she has been principle carer to her 93 year old Aunt, since inviting her to move in.
    Her Aunt was not/is not disabled but was finding daily activities increasingly more difficult and dangerous as she became older and more frail, living alone a great distance from here relatives..
    Each year the situation becomes more strained, My aunt now does require considerable support (not care) so my mum finds herself tied to the house supporting a rigid meals/cups of tea timetable, unable to leave the home for more than a couple of hours at a time..2 different generations of ideals and aspirations and values in the one home does not mix, leading to resentment, bickering, stress and unhappiness for all parties.. Very little support is available for the army of carers who find themselves in this position , if your relative needs personal care you can get good support if however they need space, and some attention you can't i have had to move 300 miles so that i can be available to take on a very small amount of the responsibilities to give my mum some respite. what will the next 30 years hold for me i wonder? will i find myself in the same situation as mum?

    Report message6

Back to top

About this Board

This was the BBC Radio 4 messageboard.

or register to take part in a discussion.


The message board is currently closed for posting.

The Radio 4 messageboard is now closed.

This messageboard is reactively moderated.

Find out more about this board's House Rules

Search this Board

Other BBC Messageboards

Copyright © 2015 BBC. The BBC is not responsible for the content of external sites. Read more.

This page is best viewed in an up-to-date web browser with style sheets (CSS) enabled. While you will be able to view the content of this page in your current browser, you will not be able to get the full visual experience. Please consider upgrading your browser software or enabling style sheets (CSS) if you are able to do so.