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Menopausal low libido - help needed

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Messages: 1 - 28 of 28
  • Message 1. 

    Posted by Corona (U248463) on Sunday, 7th December 2008

    Before this messageboard goes off the air - can I make a plea for some advice from other women who may be around my age (52) who are suffering (or have suffered) from low libido (or, in my case, completely disappeared libido)?

    I can't take HRT and don't know what else to do. To be honest, it doesn't feel like a problem for me (celibacy feels like an attractive option right now) but it is a problem for my husband and my marriage.

    Has any other woman here had this problem and resolved it?

    Report message1

  • Message 2

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by PetPig (U9766236) on Sunday, 7th December 2008

    Corona- I sympathise with your problem- after a brief loss of libido at your age, I am happily still on HRT at 65. I'm well aware of the 'risks', but feel the benefits outweigh them. My GP knows it's my choice, and does not try to 'nanny' me. If you have had problems with taking it, can't you get your GP to try you on a different or 'milder' dose? I also understand that there are several natural herbal remedies for this problem that you might look into.
    Of course the problem may disappear naturally once your menopause is over, if you can both be patient! Best of luck anyway.

    Report message2

  • Message 3

    , in reply to message 2.

    Posted by artistlily (U11263229) on Monday, 8th December 2008

    Corona, I am sorry to see you haven't recieved many replies, but I hope PetPig's words helped you.

    I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but I haven't. I think it is tough on women these days. I think Nature removes the sex urge for some women as their child bearing years cease, yet society pressures dictate that one should be forever libidinous.

    HRT is such a hotly debated topic, you either will or you won't...be guided by a GOOD doc who is up to date on research, if you don't want to take systemic oestrogen maybe the pessaries could assist you?

    I hope that someone else will add to your post and give you some advice.

    Best wishes
    Lil.x

    Report message3

  • Message 4

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by historianofwomen (U7151903) on Tuesday, 9th December 2008


    I'm 50, and my libido is down to about once every two months, so I know exactly how you feel.

    "To be honest, it doesn't feel like a problem for me (celibacy feels like an attractive option right now)"

    You've given yourself the answer. Always be true to yourself. Always be honest. Your honest feeling is that you don't want to have sex. It's really very simple: don't do sex if you don't feel like it. Wives are no longer objects for male use, you know, as they were thought to be up to the 19th century. This is the 20th century.

    And how would your husband feel, knowing you were just laying there putting up with something you didn't want to do, something so very intimate, just hoping it will be over as quickly as possible? Nothing can damage a marriage more than that.


    Report message4

  • Message 5

    , in reply to message 4.

    Posted by historianofwomen (U7151903) on Tuesday, 9th December 2008

    Excuse me (I'm menopausal!) this is the 21st century. You all knew that, didn't you?

    Report message5

  • Message 6

    , in reply to message 4.

    Posted by crumbs (U11179023) on Tuesday, 9th December 2008

    historianofwomen, I really have to take issue with that. Marriage is a partnership, in order to work it demands that neither partner can lay down the law and say "I do/don't want to so I am/not going to have sex with you" without any discussion.

    But I'm sure you already knew that Corona. Hope you (and your husband!) get through it. Communication is key imo, so keep talking about it, and make sure he knows you still love him.

    Good luck

    x

    Report message6

  • Message 7

    , in reply to message 6.

    Posted by loudtanyas (U11014801) on Tuesday, 9th December 2008

    There are ayurvedic preparations which are supposed to increase desire, you could attempt to access this sort of thing, perhaps.
    Could you try to rekindle some romance with your husband by doing some of the things you enjoyed together when you first met? Could you encourage him to be physically affectionate, without asking for sex? Could you get hold of some light hearted sex manuals and consider trying some slightly different positions?
    Refusing sex altogether does risk your husband either being unhappy or straying. Many wives have had sex quite willingly because they like to please their partner and I think it should be possible to negotiate a reduced frequency without a complete shut down, if you love him and like to make him happy.

    Report message7

  • Message 8

    , in reply to message 6.

    Posted by betty-bets (U4267170) on Tuesday, 9th December 2008

    hello Corona, i am sure there are some informative articles books out there that could help.

    i have a friend who is going through an early menopause due to having had a hysterectomy and i keep an eye out for pieces that may help her

    i cut a thing out the other day from the daily mail - 5 of the best natural aphrodisiacs for women - i was going to scan it for you and post a link to the image - but my scanner is on the blink.

    i am not sure that beeb would like me posting the names of rememdies

    but i could e-mail or Private message them to you if you were to contact me on

    womanshours.proboard... or one of the other boards that are spinning off this one.

    Report message8

  • Message 9

    , in reply to message 8.

    Posted by greyCallie (U5510649) on Tuesday, 9th December 2008

    susun weed -one of her books

    or the herb Dong Quai--it's the female ginseng--it is great for so many things--your adrenals, hot flashes, energy, good sleep pattern, and healthy libido

    Dong Quai and Wild Yam instead of pharmaceuticals.
    The herbs work with your body as natural sources and have been around for ages

    Report message9

  • Message 10

    , in reply to message 9.

    Posted by peskylogin (U2369503) on Tuesday, 9th December 2008

    I saw a nice doctor who looked up stuff on the web about midlife hormones/sex. It was at uptodate.com but you have to subscribe to reach the info.

    This was one part of a long article -
    One survey of 1879 women ages 45 to 55 (most of whom had partners) was designed to identify changes in sexual interest over the previous year [2] . Of the respondents, 62 percent noted no change, 31 percent reported a decline in interest, and 7 percent indicated an increase in interest; most of the last group had new partners.

    The last sentence is interesting - there's more to sex than just the physical. Maybe try to see your husband in a new light - read some sexy books or magazines - get a new haristyle so you feel attractive.

    This nice doctor also said that most women take about 2 years to go through the menopause and come out the other side. Which I took to mean that your interest in sex might return once your body has adapted to its new hormone levels so don't presume your present lack of interest is permanent.

    Report message10

  • Message 11

    , in reply to message 10.

    Posted by starlilolill (U11601004) on Tuesday, 9th December 2008

    peskylogin

    Two years my a**** more like five! I'm over it now thank gooness. I just didn't want women to think it was two years and over.
    I believe the earlier you start your periods the longer the menopause lasts. In my case it has proved to be true. From 10 in my case when I started - menopause from 52 until 57 and still ocasionally get a bit 'hot' and flustered!

    Report message11

  • Message 12

    , in reply to message 10.

    Posted by sthilda (U3612164) on Wednesday, 10th December 2008

    perhaps all that it shows is that sexuality and sex drive are not constant-tho' it seems that we expect them to be.
    I agree that you should be true to yourself,forcing yourself to do something you dont want is not 'sex' in any case,either for you or your partner.
    communication is essential as is looking at how you both can adapt to changes as you age together.
    Your interest may increase again-it may not. but as someone else pointed out,in the research it was peolpe with new partners who had an increase in interest-not suggesting that you find someone new,just that it may be a coincidence that you have lost interest now,and nothing much to do with hormones etc.

    Report message12

  • Message 13

    , in reply to message 12.

    Posted by historianofwomen (U7151903) on Wednesday, 10th December 2008

    Feminism must be well and truly totally dead if we believe in this day and age that a man has a right to use his wife's body for sex when that wife has stated of her own accord that she does not want sex but wants a period of celibacy.

    I don't see that it is women's job to come on here and find medications that she can take to make it possible for her husband to make use of her body to masturbate into when she does not want it.

    I'm ashamed of the women on here who have suggested that she has no right to refuse and would remind them that women gained the right to refuse sexual intercourse with their husbands in 1991.

    If it was the other way round, her husband did not want sex any more, I am sure that you would accept his decision and tell her to buy a vibrator, whatever. What is good for the goose ....

    Report message13

  • Message 14

    , in reply to message 13.

    Posted by swiftguru (U10686715) on Thursday, 11th December 2008

    I am 51 and due to hysterectomy and chemo have not had any proper sex -for me intercourse for 2 years -My husband and I are probably more affectionate now -I have seen a menopause consultant and am starting to use vagifem-dont know whether it would be suitable for you .We do more things together now but I do miss the physical closeness that we had and we have talked about it.Enjoy what you want from your relationship.

    Report message14

  • Message 15

    , in reply to message 14.

    Posted by loudtanyas (U11014801) on Friday, 12th December 2008

    There really is no need to be ashamed of me, historiano. Some of us are pragmatists and know that sex can be a very important component of a marriage. I'm sure there are plenty of women who are very annoyed and feel rejected if their husbands refuse them intercourse, and it is easy enough to find instances of women writing to various advice pages complaining of husbands and partners losing interest in sex.
    What I was suggesting was a gentle renegotiation and accommodation to this lady and other posters were doing the same. The language that you use to describe lovemaking with a man suggests that you have very little experience of enjoying this type of relationship.

    Report message15

  • Message 16

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by orson cartier (U2255827) on Friday, 12th December 2008

    Hello Corona, the way I read libido I take as in meaning the lack of inspiration, not a need for more intimacy or the state of non-satisfying sex life or the falling out of love with your husband.
    Mebe it requires brainwork; the numbskulls in your endorphin area need a wake up, on your part?

    You could try take 5 mins and go back in time to find these hidden deep feelings or try even to find the place where you kept them and what stimulated them. If you draw a blank thinking about your libido, try to switch your thoughts and see where its gawn, why and what it was when it was in its heyday .. and ‘moving forward’ stylee, what you could get away with doing bare minimum now .. Manage the process and think of a bit of foresight play. Who knows the intimate loving side your relationship might be enhanced by glimpsing those I remember libidinous moments – leading to an aid to increase libido and the circle is complete.


    <…problem for my husband and my marriage... >
    Lets face it, if its been missing in your life anything you do is going to be a surprise to him.
    Start off small but start. What could be important here is as little as attention giving…
    Combined with strictness too.. Taking control instead of being out of control. E.g. you say to him out of the blue “I’ve booked you in for 5 mins, after you've run my bath.”
    n.b. 5 mins on the stairs can be worth 20 in the bedroom etc

    If you can be bothered fill all the empty chocolate sachets in an After Eight mints box [I know, I know its made by Nestles] draw up suggestions (doesn’t have to be owt big, it could be neck nuzzling, kissing etc) that you might like to do a deux and get your husband to pick one or two or three to do. Buy a timer – do a good/bad 5 minutes worth

    I have it on good authority that there are some fun simple to play respectful yet sexy adult games on the market, which takes the ‘responsibility’ away from the couple and that don’t require technique or your own input (apart from being there) or new technologies…you’ve just got to be able to walk and talk and not necessarily at the same time, to play them.


    All the best
    5minsmc

    Report message16

  • Message 17

    , in reply to message 13.

    Posted by betty-bets (U4267170) on Friday, 12th December 2008

    Feminism is such a limiting word Historianofwomen.

    what is this 'right to use' you speak of?

    men and women have no 'rights' over their spouses genitals...but hopefully they married because they fancied the bejeezus out of one another and if the marriage has survived to menopause one suspects they love each other too.

    just because i dislike eating eggs, it doesn't mean that i won't cook them for my partner, or that i should not choose to come onto a messageboard looking for new eggy recipes!

    of course she has a 'right' to refuse but clearly, in the context of their marriage and life together, she would like to ensure that her partner is happy. I suspect this situation must occur between lesbian couples too. It has nothing to do with man versus woman, imho - it has to do with differing sex drives within a loving long term partnership.

    i am sad that you are ashamed of your fellow messageboarders
    womanshours.proboard...



    Report message17

  • Message 18

    , in reply to message 17.

    Posted by Corona (U248463) on Monday, 15th December 2008

    After having only one reply to my message - though grateful for it - I had given up hope, but have just revisited the Messageboard and have felt overwhelmed by all your messages of help and support.

    Just to clarify - I don't want to take HRT as I have endometriosis (in fact falling oestrogen levels have been a godsend as far as that is concerned). My husband doesn't grumble nor do I feel he has a "right" to my body, I just know that he misses sex and, if the situation was reversed, I know that I would find it very frustrating.

    If I was single, the loss of sexual desire really wouldn't be a problem for me. I feel as though I'm entering a different phase of my life and (in many ways) a very positive one.

    In fact, the conclusion I'm coming to is that my loss of desire is not just for sex, but for life generally - I've put on weight, I'm lethargic, I have no goals, I have no passion for anything, I feel a bit lost. No - I'm not depressed (I know what that feels like). It's just that I need to recapture a passion for my LIFE generally (e.g. by looking at the things I'm doing out of habit that no longer serve), and I hope that if I do that, my sexual passion will be a part of that.

    In the meantime - I'm going to try some of the suggestions given.

    THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH !! (Great to know that I'm not alone. Why isn't this talked about more?)


    Report message18

  • Message 19

    , in reply to message 18.

    Posted by artistlily (U11263229) on Monday, 15th December 2008

    Corona, I would really really like it if you stay in touch with us. Please come to the other boards. You sound like someone who would be really into exchanging thoughts and experiences ... many of us have felt as you describe, you really are not alone. Very best wishes. Artistlilyxx

    Report message19

  • Message 20

    , in reply to message 18.

    Posted by Auntie Molly (was mollygee) (U4008898) on Monday, 15th December 2008

    In fact, the conclusion I'm coming to is that my loss of desire is not just for sex, but for life generally - I've put on weight, I'm lethargic, I have no goals, I have no passion for anything, I feel a bit lost. No - I'm not depressed (I know what that feels like). It's just that I need to recapture a passion for my LIFE generally (e.g. by looking at the things I'm doing out of habit that no longer serve), and I hope that if I do that, my sexual passion will be a part of that.  

    Just a thought Corona, but have you had your thyroid tested recently? What you say about putting on weight and feeling lethargic sounded very similar to what I had before I was diagnosed with an underactive thyroid - including loss of libido.

    Report message20

  • Message 21

    , in reply to message 20.

    Posted by billygoatgruff (U11135437) on Monday, 15th December 2008

    RE: “In fact, the conclusion I'm coming to is that my loss of desire is not just for sex, but for life generally - I've put on weight, I'm lethargic, I have no goals, I have no passion for anything, I feel a bit lost. No - I'm not depressed (I know what that feels like). It's just that I need to recapture a passion for my LIFE generally”
    I think it’s a common problem, not necessarily connected to age – I’ve suffered from it in my twenties as well as forties. Joie de vivre can be a bit elusive at times and difficult to recapture.
    I’ve just been through a short phase of life apathy and on weeding out my wardrobe found I had plenty of drab, tweedy clothes to take to the charity shop. (I described some things to friends as resembling what my grandfather used to wear for gardening and have no idea in retrospect why I had thought they were worth spending money on) Plus somehow I’d got into the habit of wearing utterly sexless big cotton britches and armour plated bras, and realised these were immensely depressing me every time I did the laundry. It’s a bit fey to say replacing all of this with more visually attractive stuff made a difference, but it certainly was a starting point - aesthetics are important, and seeing a middle-aged drab looking back from the mirror certainly wasn’t helping my lethargy. I also found “Staging your comeback” by Christopher Hopkins a useful read.
    Am also trying to get back into the yoga habit, and make sure that I get one long walk a day.

    Report message21

  • Message 22

    , in reply to message 13.

    Posted by talk_it_over (U3195359) on Monday, 15th December 2008

    Good luck Corona

    I do hope the sun comes out for you again. Your concern for your husband is lovely, but as a man, I'd want to say - dont worry about him - hopefully he's concerned about you.

    (And of course your implicit message is right - msg 13 is miles wrong to suggest that masturbation is the same as sexual comfort and contact).

    Report message22

  • Message 23

    , in reply to message 13.

    Posted by talk_it_over (U3195359) on Monday, 15th December 2008

    re msg 13:
    historianofwomen - your message is petty and peevish, and misunderstands Corona.

    Unfortunately, reflecting on the the messages on this board over the years, concerns such as hers (from women or from men) have often been met with that sort of response. Others have tuned in accurately. Do you bring similar misunderstanding and prejudice to your historical studies?

    Report message23

  • Message 24

    , in reply to message 19.

    Posted by Corona (U248463) on Monday, 15th December 2008

    "Corona, I would really really like it if you stay in touch with us. Please come to the other boards. You sound like someone who would be really into exchanging thoughts and experiences ... many of us have felt as you describe, you really are not alone. Very best wishes. Artistlilyxx"


    Artistlily - I'd love to stay in touch. I do visit other BBC boards, but I can't see one where this discussion could continue. Do you know of any others where this topic (and others like it) could be explored further?

    Report message24

  • Message 25

    , in reply to message 24.

    Posted by betty-bets (U4267170) on Monday, 15th December 2008

    there are two that i know of....myself and artistlily are members on both....

    worldofwomenshour.pr...

    and

    womanshours.proboard...

    Report message25

  • Message 26

    , in reply to message 25.

    Posted by suzeemoon (U3669767) on Monday, 15th December 2008

    This thread has really got me thinking. I survived five years of celibacy before giving up on a relationship. I later read something by Mariella Frostrup who said it was rather insulting to not care if you lost interest in sex, if your partner did not also feel the same. I thought this was a good point. Retrospectively I think my partner lacked empathy. What comes over about the poster is loving concern and understanding.
    Some excellent ideas and I wish you well.

    Report message26

  • Message 27

    , in reply to message 24.

    Posted by artistlily (U11263229) on Monday, 15th December 2008

    Corona, be brave, try the links that bets supplied. You will find a similar thing to what happens here, I guess. Some posters you will find helpful and who will listen, some who you may feel less of a connection with.

    Janfromlondon, I applaud you for being proactive in turning your mood around. Well done you! I don't think what you did was fey atall, I think you made a very positive step which hopefully will lead on to others.

    I got my hair cut (chopped nine inches off) to an Anna Wintour type cut, it has really bucked me up.

    Report message27

  • Message 28

    , in reply to message 25.

    Posted by Corona (U248463) on Tuesday, 16th December 2008

    betty-bets thanks for the links. Have realised that I missed these in earlier messages. Don't you just love menopause? Not only has my libido taken a nosedive, but my IQ has too... (or that's how it feels) !

    Yes, will definitely join those boards. "Speak" to you and artistlily there.

    Thank you everyone - too many to thank individually. Some great advice.

    Am really, REALLY going to miss this Messageboard.

    Report message28

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