Being a parent  permalink

Bringing up Britain

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Messages: 21 - 23 of 23
  • Message 21

    , in reply to message 20.

    Posted by pinknote (U7303894) on Wednesday, 15th April 2009

    very interesting posts-

    Clover-grl, I completely agree with you, possibly because I grew up with the opposite: my parents never shouted at me (at least, not that I can remember) but they were/are both in their own way controlling. They gave my siblings and me the impression that their love was conditional, and would be witheld if we misbehaved/ had bad marks at school/ didn't agree with their views. This has made it difficult for us to believe that we were lovable for who we are. Even though all three of us are now in happy relationships and I have children of my own, we're all still anxious about love and friendship in different ways, and need a lot of reassurance.

    Re the shouting: I do shout at my children (5 & 3) occasionally, and tell them outright when I think that their behaviour is beyond the pale. Even though they sometimes talk back, they usually show afterwards that they realise that what they did was wrong, and then we have a cuddle and all is forgotten.

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  • Message 22

    , in reply to message 7.

    Posted by L-platemum (U13919130) on Thursday, 16th April 2009

    I agree with Islama a great deal especially about fulfilling needs for young children. They don't know that they are hungry/tired/anxious until its too late and if I'm not vigilant that's when DS starts to unravel.

    Good friends of ours have a very different approach to parenting. They shout, we don't, they isolate as a form of punishment, we don't, they withdraw treats, toys as punishment and reward with treats, we don't. As a result - surprise, surprise - our children our roughly the same. They both hit, they shout, they do the normal three year old things and the only difference I think is that we expect it and know (or hope) it will pass with constant prompting as this has worked in so many ways of different problem behaviours and our friends expect more of their child. However, our children have very different temperaments and we don't know if this is because of nature or nurture.

    I do know that when DS is with my parents, they expect better behaviour and there is more censure and raised tones and although there is no shouting, DS's behaviour deteriorates as the anti is upped as it were.

    I think I aim for co-operation and my husband aims for consistency - or the catch-all phrase setting boundaries. If our three year old knows what is expected of him or is reminded of this and there is enough time for him to process orders/requests, things generally run smoothly. But in the real world there isn't always enough time and I ain't always going to be patient.

    PS. I try not to shout - neither the husband or the dog like it - its also crucial to keep these two on board.

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  • Message 23

    , in reply to message 7.

    Posted by L-platemum (U13919130) on Thursday, 16th April 2009

    I agree with Islama a great deal especially about fulfilling needs for young children. They don't know that they are hungry/tired/anxious until its too late and if I'm not vigilant that's when DS starts to unravel.

    Good friends of ours have a very different approach to parenting. They shout, we don't, they isolate as a form of punishment, we don't, they withdraw treats, toys as punishment and reward with treats, we don't. As a result - surprise, surprise - our children our roughly the same. They both hit, they shout, they do the normal three year old things and the only difference I think is that we expect it and know (or hope) it will pass with constant prompting as this has worked in so many ways of different problem behaviours and our friends expect more of their child. However, our children have very different temperaments and we don't know if this is because of nature or nurture.

    I do know that when DS is with my parents, they expect better behaviour and there is more censure and raised tones and although there is no shouting, DS's behaviour deteriorates as the anti is upped as it were.

    I think I aim for co-operation and my husband aims for consistency - or the catch-all phrase setting boundaries. If our three year old knows what is expected of him or is reminded of this and there is enough time for him to process orders/requests, things generally run smoothly. But in the real world there isn't always enough time, the goal posts are constantly moving and I ain't always going to be patient and I'm still learning.

    PS. I try not to shout - neither the husband or the dog like it - its also crucial to keep these two on board.

    Report message3

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