Being a parent

Just a quick reminder that this series starts tonight at 8pm on Radio 4 and the team who've made it are keen to hear your feedback.

BBC Parenting team

Interesting programme, but I am intrigued that no one picked up on the underlying logic. If parenting directly impacts of the person a child becomes, then what does that say about our own experiences as children in the 1960s and 1970s? Our children's grandparents may criticise our parenting skills, but surely they are the ones who taught us and made us the anxious parents that we have become?

Perhaps our children - those often cheeky, argumentative creatures - will actually have greater self-esteem and be more assertive than we as a generation have proved ourselves to be?

Replying to message 4 about we (as parents) being the product of the way we were parented ourselves, it's absolutely right that the only "training" most of us get is how our own parents handled us when we were children. (This is crazy, to receiver no training at all for what is the most difficult job in the world.) And we tend to either treat our children as we were treated or swing to the other end of the spectrum. So if we were parented strictly we might tend to do exactly the same or the complete opposite.
However present-day parents are also influenced by the prevailing social trends - so that what was "safe" for a previous generation of children (e.g. playing in the park without adult supervision) might no longer be considered wise today.
In earlier years many harmful influences were kept away from children and/or children kept away from them. This is no longer the case.
So parenting styles are influenced by our surrounding society and are also shaped by the standards other parents adopt, the laws of the land (e.g. on drugs, sex, etc.) and what is considered "acceptable" by other parents and other children.

Dear BBC Parenting team,

Thank you for a really interesting debate. Mariella Frostrup's Bringing Up Britain was interesting and thought-provoking.

There was some debate about why parents are lacking in confidence these days. The question was asked - why has 'parenting' become an industry? Why are our children experiencing more difficulties than they were in previous generations?

My thought on this is that it is part of a whole cultural change, which is that there is far more questioning of authority than in previous generations. We have seen the authority of teachers, doctors, the police, the clergy, eroded dramatically. We all question the proficiency of the professions now. I think there are both positive and negative aspects to this. On the positive side, it is good that we no longer treat these professions and others as though they are unassailable. However, the lack of trust leads to litigiousness (particularly a problem in the medical profession) and actually undermines the work those professions are legitimately trying to do.

I think parents suffer from this same lack of trust and authority. We doubt the authority of others, so we also doubt our own authority, and this undermines our confidence. I am by nature a loving and permissive person, but I can see as a mother of two girls of 3 and under that they really need and thrive on clear boundaries. It does seem as though some days I spend a lot of time saying no and exercising authority. Yet we have huge fun and both girls seem happy, at the moment!

But in many ways this insistent 'saying no' goes against the grain and I worry constantly about whether I am being an ok mum, or whether I am damaging them more than is inevitable.

So - authority.. we need to learn again to possess authority in its fullest and most healthy sense (ie not authoritarianism!). And I think this will help our children to relax and grow. Still trying to work out how to do that, though... Any ideas welcome.

I was disappointed to hear one of the contributors and Mariella Frostrup both saying that they had not read any parenting books. There seems to be this myth that you are somehow a better parent if you don't read anything about the theories, philosophies or ideas behind the approaches parents are advised to use today. I've read quite a few books since having my child and it has made my husband and me challenge some of the ideas we held before becoming parents and made us much clearer about the approaches we intend to use. There is so much focus on techniques such as 'time out', 'praise', 'rewards' and 'the naughty step' but as somebody in the programme said, there is less discussion about WHY these are recommended (or not). For example, I had assumed that it was good to praise your child and if I hadn't read some of the books I have, I would probably be heaping praise on my child for all manner of activities. As it is, books such as those by Alfie Kohn, have highlighted for me that this is simply another form of control - children aren't stupid and they know that when you praise one behaviour you are implicitly implying that another behaviour isn't acceptable. Furthermore, children start to behave in certain ways in order to get rewards or praise and/or avoid punishment, rather than behaving in certain ways because they WANT to and because generally life is easier if you behave in that way. Obviously I do sometimes praise, but only when it's a genuine reaction, rather than a 'strategy'.
I do believe that parents should trust their instincts more about how they interact with their child and how they deal with the inevitable challenges of supporting their child to adulthood, but I don't believe that this can really be done without knowing more about the hugely different approaches that can be taken. Other people's judgements were discussed on the show and I think that this can often adversely affect how a parent reacts in a certain situation. Read the information that's out there and see what sits comfortably with you. Ignorance is not bliss and I'm sad that people think it's ok to admit to not researching how they approach the most important job they'll ever do, which will ultimately impact upon who we are as a society.

I am sure this program was great, I just couldn't hear most of it, as my 6 month old was screaming in my ear!
Typical.
Will listen again when she is asleep!

I thought there were many excellent and interesting points made - but would like more discussion about the role of other family members - particularly those who often help care for the children - e.g. grandparents. There is often an assumption made that grandparents should keep their mouths shut and just do the babysitting etc - but years ago I learned a great deal from my own mum.

Surely the point is that grandparents should avoid offering gratuitous or critical advice - but that they can sometimes be a help . . . after all they do love both their own child and their grandchildren - and they have had a lot of childcare experience.

Just as parents [mainly mothers] are often demonised - so often grandparents [mainly grandmothers/mothers in law] are often portrayed as interfering old bags who just want to hit children rather than people who just might be able to offer help. I'd be interested in hearing how families in different cultures manage these relationships. If parents are to gain confidence and respect - don't they also need - while remaining independent adults - to retain some confidence and respect for their own parents.

Good morning.

Excuse me but is this a private thread or can anyone participate...?

I am curious to know who you ladies (and gentlemen?) are, since none of the 'regulars' appear to be joining in this debate?

I see the BBC have instigated this thread, so where, exactly, have you come from...Points of View?
Is 'Bringing up Britain' to become a permanent feature - or are you planning to participate in the 'Being a Parent' threads also and join us...?

We once had a thread here called 'Hot Topics' where (within family related subjects) we could debate the issues of the day in some considerable depth. It provided an intellectual departure from everyday work and chores and was a 'lifeline' for SAHM's and SAHD's (especially) whose only conversation through the day usually revolved around their babies and children.

Then, in its wisdom, the beeb unilaterally removed 'Hot Topics' and it took the best part of the following year for us to persuade them to return something similar...'Coffee Morning'. It is not 100% but we are grateful never-the-less.

Perhaps you might care to join us (?) - and in other threads too. You are welcome to stay and browse and join our 'cyber family'. Like any 'family' we have our serious moments, our lighter moments and the occasional row but its mainly family related and growing all the time.

Or are you simply here for this one, one-off ('Points-of-View'?) topic, because at the moment, it appears we now have an 'inner sanctum' operating exclusively in our midst and we haven't been properly introduced.
I can also assure you, this subject has passed through our hands many times and will no doubt do so again.

Look forward to hearing from you.

'G' <cup-of-tea-smiley>

g-pop, there's a link to this thread from the link provided by the host on the first post, i think that's why there's so many new faces on only this thread

G-pop, As you know, I have been a regular here for some time, and I did stream the show (twice). And in adding my two-bits worth, I chose sportyheatherfeather's post because i agree with much of what she/she says. The only critique I would make (and I speak as a grandparent) is that g-parents do have a propensity to step in where angels fear to tread (which can cause mayhem) or parents are reluctant to go to g-parents for fear of hearing something they don't want to. I have an interesting dicotomy in that one of my offspring would NEVER in a millennium seek my input (nor would I offer it) whereas DD3 is quite comfortable in approaching me with problems she faces (and I'm just as comfortable with giving her my take).

But, to get back to the show (and the hosts' specific question about what I thought about it) I felt is is excellent. Because while I found the content critical of the manner in which 'parenting advice' is dispensed, it was non-judgemental about individual styles.

I could write a missive about individual comments.... obviously not for this forum. But, in line with a recent question I had about your HVs, and government intervention, while it was not said directly, I thought there was a general feeling that parenting (in your country) HAS been greatly politicized in recent years.... in a (probably vain) hope that somehow, a one-size-fits-all solution would be the panacea for all child problems.... and doing something, however ill-infirmed, ill-advised, or unworkable, is better than doing nothing. The headmaster killed that one dead, when he said that would require all children to receive one-on-one input... 1) a hopeless objective, and 2) it gets right back to the role of the parent.

I also took note of the suggestion that government policy has 'infantalized' the parent, and how virtually all authority for the parent to be parent has been stripped away by the advent of HVs and government social programs. Then, add in the plethora of, and obsession with TV parenting programs and glossy magazines that now exists, the contents of which are being absorbed by (particularly first-time) parents. And how those programs and magazines give the impression of this little morsel that is so cute and cuddly, quickly develops into the little monster that gets you up when you most want to sleep, that cries as its only means of communication that something hurts or it's hungry (hard to tell which sometimes) and drives you absolutely bonkers! And how, combined, the focus of government, TV programs, and those glossy magazines have combined to make a complete mess of what was, at one time, instinct, or 'ask Mom, for advice'........ or here on this board, for crying out loud, because some of the best advice I've ever seen on the subject is here for free!!!

Yes, I found it very interesting, and I'll listen to the next show too. But, from one who learned from the school of hard knocks, and who raised five to be high-powered, successful, and responsible adults, I think this show has done everyone a service, by highlighting that fact that while 'big brother' might be there for advice if you need it, unless everything fits the program to a 'T', it's the last place to look if you're having a particular problem.