History Hub  permalink

The Bloated Fun Palace

This discussion has been closed.

Messages: 1 - 50 of 463
  • Message 1. 

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    Welcome to this latest manifestation of mobile gin millery.

    The gasbeutels are fully distended, the hauptwelles are in full rotation, the schwebeflugmechanismus is popping its dichtungs and the kapitän is adequately geölt, so climb aboard (up for the optimists, down for the matrosen auf einem unterwasserbooten) and prepare to wurf the anker - ahoy!

    To connaissere-de-vin-"fin" I can only offer my sincere regrets. However the usual relations have all "mucked in" (as they say in temperate zones) and offered both their services and the contents of their cellars to make your voyage if not as comfortable as possible then at least as memorable.

    Orders anyone?

    Report message1

  • Message 2

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by Thomas (U14985443) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    I think a smiley - tea will do it for that time of the day, please.

    I wonder how many people on here understand the "Gasbeutel, Hauptwelle, Schwebeflugmechanismus, Dichtung, geölt, Matrosen auf einem Unterwasserboot". smiley - biggrin

    In short, this is rather the description of an flying navy ship. Just the "Gasbeutel" sounds rather related to an balloon. Anyway, where is this ship heading to?

    Report message2

  • Message 3

    , in reply to message 2.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    I am tempted to say that a German balloon can only be headed to one destination, Thomas, but I am reliably informed that Lakehurst now has to be called Joint Base McGuire-Dix-Lakehurst and I refuse to kowtow to American polysemic nomenclature.

    Since the design more approximates a hover-powered u-boat (with cellar) in any case I do not feel obliged to conform to landing stereotypes and have optimistically pointed the prow to Caledonia. If we don't pick up the ferval woman, after all, the voyage is over before it has even begun, I am reliably informed ...

    Report message3

  • Message 4

    , in reply to message 3.

    Posted by Thomas (U14985443) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    So who´s in charge of that hover-powered u-boat? Suppose you´re the Captain.

    As this is hover-powered, we shall pick up Mrs ferval in a short time to get the voyage started.

    Report message4

  • Message 5

    , in reply to message 4.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    I read in the manual in fact that it's over five horse power, not hover power, so I assume there must be a minimum of six of the beasts somewhere doing the necessary to keep us aloft.

    (Oh for those halcyon days when one nag alone could elevate the bar with his contributions ...)

    I am not aware that anyone has as yet assumed the role of captain. I myself am presently assuming the role of a large bottle of Royal Lochnagar, but that is only for appearances - underneath I'm all Jameson.

    Report message5

  • Message 6

    , in reply to message 5.

    Posted by ferval (U14315357) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    Are you quite sure you want to head here? The mountain and the flood might make navigation risky. Today we are promised torrential rain, gales, hail and snow so I'd be quite happy to rendezvous with you some where more clement.

    Having quite a reputation as a nag, I'll offer my services in the uplifting process.

    Report message6

  • Message 7

    , in reply to message 6.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    The nag in question is not one you may wish to emulate ... as for the gales, hail and snow it reminds me nostalgically of my bus trip to work this morning.

    Ok - I can see that we've done the Caledonian leg already. Thank heavens - I can get out of this Lochnagar outfit and into something more potable.

    Anyone for New Caledonia and waters south, so?

    Report message7

  • Message 8

    , in reply to message 5.

    Posted by Thomas (U14985443) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    At least, by just over five horse power, one may not risk to splash the drink ordered, but it doesn´t help against sea-sickness at all.

    I remember the last time when my parents and me took the ferry from Calais to Dover, it was August then, but the Channel had a bit of a rough sea and one couldn´t walk on that ferry, more tumbling as if drunk, but none of us was drunk. The first time I´ve had to experience that. In former times, we watched the Hover-Craft, while waiting to board the ferry, getting with high speed through the Channel but we never used it, for the fare was expensive then. It´s better to fly anyway.

    Good to know you´ve the Jameson on board, for it helps in certain circumstances and on some occasions. smiley - smiley

    Report message8

  • Message 9

    , in reply to message 8.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    You're telling me. A drop of Jemmy 10 has been known to open the sluices even in the frostiest of weathers, and that's no lie! Irish motorists swear by it, especially if caught by the gardai.

    Report message9

  • Message 10

    , in reply to message 9.

    Posted by Thomas (U14985443) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    I didn´t know that. I was rather thinking about other occasions.

    I´ve never took a drink while on holiday in Ireland. I suppose there is now zero tolerance for that, or at least on very low level to drive a car and have a Pint or else before. We went to a Pub on a early evening and I ordered a cup of Tea, the waitress told me "sorry but I can´t do the Tea". So the Pint went to my wife, she had ordered herself. I preferred to stay dry and avoid to get into trouble with the gardai. In general, I don´t drink and drive whether back home or abroad, it´s the strict rule of myself. I think I felt more embarressed myself than the waitress smiley - blush

    The only one exception I took was when we visited the Tullamore Dew Museum. We were offered each a taste of Whiskey or Irish Mist. I took the Irish Mist for this is not so strong and it was o.k. to me to drive on after we strolled around in Tullamore for a certain time. I´ve tasted the Tullamore Dew some years ago back home, among other Irish and Scottish Whiskeys, but from the taste I stick on the Jameson since when having a drink. By one Jameson, I consider myself as to not being driving fit. I´m not accustomed to the black stuff either.

    Report message10

  • Message 11

    , in reply to message 9.

    Posted by ferval (U14315357) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    I'll have a wee one as well please. Too true that water of life opens all doors, my husband, long ago, worked for Whyte and MacKay and delivered the Christmas bottles to the local cop shops!

    I know it's frowned upon to raise the subject of food in the bar but I'll risk it, would anyone care for a melting moment?

    Report message11

  • Message 12

    , in reply to message 11.

    Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    Due to the name bestowed on this place ferval it is probably not a good idea to enquire about the food. I assume Nordmann will also be serving mint or camomile tea to counteract the excess of hot air?

    The Bloated Fun Palace or The Floated Bun Palace, works both ways.

    I presume you have bought along the port Nordmann? There is a definite nip in the air today.

    Report message12

  • Message 13

    , in reply to message 12.

    Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    I'll have a Jameson's too - unless there's any Black Bush aboard. In our family, it was customary to reserve the Jameson's for my grandfather - unless required for "medicinal" purposes by my grandmothe. She suffered chronic ill-health after Xmas, until the new supply was fully consumed.

    Report message13

  • Message 14

    , in reply to message 13.

    Posted by Nielsen3 (U14417619) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    In der präzens of Thomas I would like a Schnapps to celebrate that you've degenerated so much that you're coming to this place too. Alas I can't offer the link to youtube's 'Schnapps, das war sein letztes wort', as that'll get me sin-benned.

    As for for the transferance of cellars, t'owd armoury has come over and the trebuchêts are in good nick, I'm proud to report. I wouldn't know how to fire one such from the uncertain deck of this craft, but still, they're here.


    Report message14

  • Message 15

    , in reply to message 14.

    Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    It seems to have turned into Scotland here, with wind and rain, so I think just a little mulled wine would be suitable at this time of day. Or perhaps a Gewurtztraminer would be in keeping.

    I see the trebuchets are here, but what about the accoutrements of Uncle Titus, and any other dead bodies from previous incarnations?

    And, while it is perhaps unfair to judge a place on a one-day stop, I think there are better southern places than New Caledonia. If you're insistent on a French connection, you could try Vanuatu instead. I was wondering why New Caledonia hadn't changed its name, but see there is no consensus on what to change it too. I wonder how many things don't get changed for that very reason.

    Cheers, Caro.

    Report message15

  • Message 16

    , in reply to message 15.

    Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    Could have been worse, Caro - we could be headed for the Kerguelen Islands ...

    Report message16

  • Message 17

    , in reply to message 16.

    Posted by ferval (U14315357) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    Well, if it's a choice between this
    There's no better place to experience the Pacific with a taste of France than New Caledonia, where Melanesian tradition blends with French sophistication. This mix of the chic yet casual, très French but ultimately Pacific comes together with peerless élan in Noumea, the cosmopolitan capital. Dining out and shopping run the gamut from gourmet restaurants to humble roulottes, from Chinatown's colourful shops to the expensively elegant, air-conditioned boutiques on rue de Sébastopol. When you leave the capital, the urban scenery gives way to a wealth of changing landscapes - the rolling plains of la brousse (the bush), lush river valleys, steep mountains coursed by tumbling waterfalls, cool rainforests and wild coastlines. 
    and a short break in Govan, I know which one I'd pick.
    I'll have something long, cool and fruity with a little umbrella in anticipation.

    Report message17

  • Message 18

    , in reply to message 16.

    Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    Well we could have been headed to them, but we wouldn't get there - we don't even have a captain and I think navigating the seas there might be beyond our abilities. Ships seem difficult things - they bang into obvious reefs even in the best of conditions. I can't help feeling we'd be safer on bikes, though I suppose it is quite hard to run a bar from a cycling machine.

    But I think you're wrong to be reluctant to help with oil clean-ups - I see this ship was carrying ferrosilicon which apparently is used for something to do with helium in balloons. Could be useful. (Though that particular site did seem strong on conspiracy theories and military connections.)

    Cheers, Caro.

    Report message18

  • Message 19

    , in reply to message 17.

    Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    Who on earth wrote that, ferval? I think the sophistication of Edinburgh would vastly outweigh the rather grubby feel of Noumea. I seemed to miss the chic and elanness.

    From notes after our trip: Had about 4 hours in Noumea today, just in the middle of the town. Nothing like as keen on tourists as the other places – many shops just for locals, I think. Some of them were squashed full of clothes and had an odd smell. I bought a calendar and a skirt and looked round the Museum (free entrance). Had very good service from a young Asian man selling the skirt – showed me them all and spread them out, offered to cut frill off etc. I tried to find the Post Office and asked in very halting French about 6 people. Never did find it – last woman said it would be closed at 4.00pm. There is a nice park right in the middle of Noumea.

    Next day we left the boat early for Noumea to look at the markets – mainly food and beads. Had lunch at Le Bout Du Monde. There was lots of raw fish and meat on the menu (though it wasn’t obvious from their names). My sister and I shared a raw beef slice and a bowl of fish soup – brown tasty and with shredded fish, not chunks. After we’d eaten it we were told there is a problem with fish round Noumea – they often have a disease that gives you a rash and a electric shock if you get your skin wet. We seemed to be all right – though my feet did have a rash after that. I think it was a kind of duck itch. We found Noumea generally a little dirty and the beach was no exception. 

    But of course Noumea may have changed in the last 7 years. Ships haven't: there was a problem with one of the lifeboats and we couldn't go on till it was fixed.

    Report message19

  • Message 20

    , in reply to message 19.

    Posted by ferval (U14315357) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    From Lonely Planet, the travellers' bible!!!!!!

    On first reading your piece I thought it was the locals who were overdressed and had a funny smell, perhaps because of the electric soup which, funnily enough, is the Glaswegian term for Carlsberg Special Brew.

    Report message20

  • Message 21

    , in reply to message 20.

    Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    The top news on our NZ news site today seems to be about Germans and French Polynesia which I suppose is a coincidence, since I can't see anything in Nordmann's opening post about cannibals and offence taken. People (well, person) have gone missing, and the people of Nuka Hiva are unhappy with imputations he has been eaten. www.stuff.co.nz/worl...

    He doesn't look all that tender.

    Report message21

  • Message 22

    , in reply to message 21.

    Posted by ferval (U14315357) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    Oh I don't know, I think he looks quite tasty!

    Report message22

  • Message 23

    , in reply to message 22.

    Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Monday, 17th October 2011

    Yes, in one sense.

    Re Lonely Planet - people of southern NZ look forward to its pronouncement with trepidation. Always praising of where I live - a place of very lovely natural beauty - but not so strong about the city I went to secondary school in. Flat and suburban, with endlessly treeless streets, Invercargill certainly isn’t going to blow your senses if you came here via the Catlins or Fiordland. Nevertheless, most travellers in Southland will find themselves in Invercargill at some point – perhaps stocking up on supplies and equipment before setting off to the Catlins or Stewart Island – and it’s worth taking some time to investigate the town’s arty bits and the surprisingly good restaurants. 

    This brings forth articles about the numbers of trees lining the streets (some thousands), and anticipation of better comments in Rough Guide.

    Report message23

  • Message 24

    , in reply to message 23.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    ferval - we need elevation!

    More lentils, that'll do it.

    I have received permission to land from the orang kaya of Banda and, since the nutmeg and mace supplies are also dropping, I have thus agreed to a temporary stopover. Anyone who requires to stretch their legs, or indeed anybody else's, are advised to avoid the steaming mud pools of Banda Api. Despite their proximity to the volcano we have reason to believe that their sudden appearanace around the same time as the old Dutch sewage system collapsed could very well be related.

    Report message24

  • Message 25

    , in reply to message 24.

    Posted by ferval (U14315357) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    A very large pot of Jerusalem artichoke soup will be delivered forth with. If that doesn't do it, we're all doomed.

    Report message25

  • Message 26

    , in reply to message 25.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    Doomed isn't as bad as all that. I have been to Govan too you know.

    Ok - artichokes away! We have lift off!

    Report message26

  • Message 27

    , in reply to message 26.

    Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    You call that a lift off? More like a tiny little blow off, I would have thought. We're only two inches off the ground.

    Report message27

  • Message 28

    , in reply to message 27.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    Seems adequate to me - we are nevertheless on course for Pulau Run, once famously swapped between Holland and Britain for another little island of many hills quite a few miles distant which the locals once called Manna-Hatta.

    Anyone for some Myristica Fragrans?

    Report message28

  • Message 29

    , in reply to message 28.

    Posted by ferval (U14315357) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    I hope you're not suggesting that we indulge in any psychoactive substances other than ethanol and anyway, I'm trying to wean myself off home baked cookies.

    Report message29

  • Message 30

    , in reply to message 29.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    I found this:

    Nutmeg has been considered to be a useful medicine in a number of Asian societies. Among the Arabs it has been used to treat digestive problems and also been valued as an aphrodisiac; the Indians used it to combat asthma and heart complaints and still use it as a sedative. Nicholas Culpeper (1616-54), the famous English herbalist, attributes to nutmeg the capacity to induce sleep delirium. William Salmon, on the other hand, said that the oil of mace or nutmegs, if rubbed on the genitals, excited sexual passion (thereby echoing the Arabs' use of its aphrodisiac qualities).

    I can see home-baked cookies suddenly coming back into vogue ...

    Report message30

  • Message 31

    , in reply to message 30.

    Posted by ferval (U14315357) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    Once upon a time I knew a man who had a predilection for some, well quite a lot, of nutmeg when he couldn't afford the other interesting herbal substances. He didn't bother with the baking refinements, just washed it down by the tablespoonful but I don't believe he applied it topically.

    Report message31

  • Message 32

    , in reply to message 31.

    Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    The local priest, who is obssessed with all traditional cures, swears that nutmeg and vodka will get rid of gallstones. Put 3 whole nutmegs in a bottle of vodka and leave sit for 3 weeks, then drink 1 tablespoon every day and it will, supposedly, smash the little buggers to non-existance.

    Report message32

  • Message 33

    , in reply to message 32.

    Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    When I was at university nutmeg was considered to give people something of a high and some people would put it in milk. I don't recall if it was supposed to have a marijuana calming effect or a more excitable one like LSD did.

    Report message33

  • Message 34

    , in reply to message 33.

    Posted by ferval (U14315357) on Tuesday, 18th October 2011

    I've just realised that there was quite a lot of nutmeg in the jerusalem fartichoke soup, has it put everyone to sleep or have they been jet propelled off into orbit by the propellant power of the gasses?

    Report message34

  • Message 35

    , in reply to message 34.

    Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Wednesday, 19th October 2011

    Well I wish the glasses around here had propellant power anyway, save a lot of effort when there is no sign of the hired help and a person can't be bothered getting up to get their own.

    Report message35

  • Message 36

    , in reply to message 35.

    Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Wednesday, 19th October 2011

    The description of the bar did suggest there was, if not staff, at least a motley bunch of relatives on hand to give a hand in these matters (not sure whose hands they are using, though). You might, of course, prefer to use your energy to walk to the bar rather than swatting bits of Uncle T out of your drink. (Which reminds me that this morning, when I felt a bit of fluff inside my trousers and pulled it out, it turned into a large black beetle which produced loud screeching - you may have heard it from there.)

    Cheers, Caro.

    Report message36

  • Message 37

    , in reply to message 36.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Thursday, 20th October 2011

    Do large black beetles screech in the antipodes? How unnerving ...

    Report message37

  • Message 38

    , in reply to message 37.

    Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Thursday, 20th October 2011

    The 'which' is for all preceding - I think I would have used 'that' otherwise. But maybe not. Anyway I daresay it screeched a fair bit too when it was gathered up rather unceremoniously (not by me - I was too busy shrieking) and put back where it belonged. We just aren't attuned to beetle screech.

    Report message38

  • Message 39

    , in reply to message 38.

    Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Thursday, 20th October 2011

    Something akin to ants in your pants then Caro? But if you were making that much noise I'm sure you scared the living daylights out of the poor beetle. He'll think twice before venturing into anyone's trousers for a quiet snooze again, I'm sure.

    A port would go down a treat please, whichever bodypart of Uncle T's is on duty today.

    Report message39

  • Message 40

    , in reply to message 39.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Friday, 21st October 2011

    Titus is rather chary about his chassis, coy about his carcass, averse about his anatomy, timid about his torso, and bashful about his bod. He has asked me therefore to relay the ensuing entreaty on his behalf - namely that guests in this hostelry kindly refrain from alluding to his assembly, bringing up his bag of bones, mentioning his mortal part, or pointing out his protoplasm. Also, would whoever made off with his distal phalanx (left side) please return same a.s.a.p. - it's the one he uses for nose-picking and other essential maintenance.

    I am pleased to announce that the Cold-Flow Guinness pumps have finally, after much effort on both uncle's and my part, been disabled beyond repair.

    Laxative liquers (French for "aperitifs") are now being served in the baggage hold. Mind the step.

    Report message40

  • Message 41

    , in reply to message 40.

    Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Friday, 21st October 2011

    Also, would whoever made off with his distal phalanx (left side) please return same a.s.a.p. - 

    There is a side of what I originally thought was beef currently turning on the spit. If Uncle T hurries he may be able to salvage it in time.

    I'll try the laxative liquer, licorice flavour if you have it. We'll just hope the heads are clear for the er.... run up.

    Report message41

  • Message 42

    , in reply to message 41.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Friday, 21st October 2011

    It must be an extreeeeemely tiny side of beef!

    Report message42

  • Message 43

    , in reply to message 42.

    Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Friday, 21st October 2011

    Maybe the cow was a midget.

    Report message43

  • Message 44

    , in reply to message 41.

    Posted by Nielsen3 (U14417619) on Friday, 21st October 2011

    I'd like a little aperitif, please, something like a pint of Absolut, the working week is about to end, let relaxation begin.

    And ID, re yours '... We'll just hope the heads are clear for the er.... run up.'

    It's on occasions like this that my use of an electrically powered wheelchair which makes it impossible to go up/down steps, thus I'll not be immediately endangered by being ro close to the behinds of punters rushing too late to the heads.

    I'll stay in the bar, so please, run me up one more.

    Report message44

  • Message 45

    , in reply to message 44.

    Posted by ferval (U14315357) on Friday, 21st October 2011

    Licorice laxative and barbecued phalanx, no wonder the bar is empty on a Friday night. I suppose the laxative might help with the bloating but the fun element is quite difficult to track down, much like T's errant parts.
    What could we do to liven things up?
    Drag racing in Nielsen's wheelchair?
    Could Caro provide the wherewithal to have a beetle drive with real beetles?
    Dash to the heads time trials?

    Suggestions please and a large red for me while you think about it.

    Report message45

  • Message 46

    , in reply to message 45.

    Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Friday, 21st October 2011

    Drag racing in Nielsen's wheelchair?

    If you think I'm going to dress up like a pantomime dame, you are seriously mistaken - but I'm willing to take part in a race with him - chariot v wheelchair.

    Have a large red by all means - and can I have a very large Penderyn to mourn Wales' failure to get the 3rd place earlier today.

    Report message46

  • Message 47

    , in reply to message 46.

    Posted by Caro (U1691443) on Saturday, 22nd October 2011

    Little Welsh boys must have had a different attitude to little Kiwi boys – I recall they had a very accurate aim with their kicks, especially if you’d made the mistake of mentioning the sore foot/leg/tummy you had.

    Sorry about Wales, but onwards and upwards. You can become an honorary NZer, Gil, on Sunday. I see some of the last tickets were sold to a couple of brothers who say they don’t want a close game – they want a massacre. That’s how I feel – I saw an All Black saying they didn’t mind if they only win by a point. It’s all very well for them – they are just playing. Some of us have to watch, and we don’t want to suffer a stressful heart attack.

    Cheers, Caro.

    Report message47

  • Message 48

    , in reply to message 47.

    Posted by Sambista (U4068266) on Saturday, 22nd October 2011

    I already have an Honourary Kiwi badge, presented by a group of NZ rotarians when I hosted a Civic Reception for them as Chairman of our local parish council - and I want to see a bloke having to climb up a ladder to paint extra leading digits in front of the NZ score on the scoreboard ....

    Report message48

  • Message 49

    , in reply to message 48.

    Posted by islanddawn (U7379884) on Saturday, 22nd October 2011


    Report message49

  • Message 50

    , in reply to message 49.

    Posted by an ex-nordmann - it has ceased to exist (U3472955) on Saturday, 22nd October 2011


    smiley - smiley

    Report message50

Back to top

About this Board

The History message boards are now closed. They remain visible as a matter of record but the opportunity to add new comments or open new threads is no longer available. Thank you all for your valued contributions over many years.

or register to take part in a discussion.

The message board is currently closed for posting.

The message board is closed for posting.

This messageboard is reactively moderated.

Find out more about this board's House Rules

Search this Board

Copyright © 2015 BBC. The BBC is not responsible for the content of external sites. Read more.

This page is best viewed in an up-to-date web browser with style sheets (CSS) enabled. While you will be able to view the content of this page in your current browser, you will not be able to get the full visual experience. Please consider upgrading your browser software or enabling style sheets (CSS) if you are able to do so.