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The Lone Bazookian - Remade

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Messages: 1 - 12 of 12
  • Message 1. 

    Posted by Captainmeme (U14641020) on Friday, 18th March 2011

    Hi, this 'new' (remade) book is dedicated to Crimson Artist, Sandra and Kim... Without whom I wouldn't have attempted to bring this back up. I really owe it to you because I haven't written properly in ages and it gives me that sort of thrill... Anyway, the storyline's going to be very similar to that of the old story, but with quite a few adjustments; for one I'm hoping to finish this one. We'll just go along and see. Feedback would be very much appreciated. (Also, because it's long, the first part is in two posts).

    Stardate: 7012/098/02
    Earth Date: 18/06/2022

    "They killed him.
    He was an innocent peacemaker, a pacifist and a harmless explorer. He came to a new planet, expecting to find a civilization, to become renowned. And what did they do to him?
    They called him an alien, a monster! They locked him up, tortured him and killed him slowly! I couldn't save him, but we can take revenge!
    The Bazookians are peacemakers, but sometimes even peacemakers must rise up against great evil. We must go to war with these... humans!
    I can't believe I was so excited on the day I first met them..."

    One month earlier...

    Stardate: 7012/092/10
    Earth Date: 18/05/2022

    It had been three long Sectons since we set out from Bazookia, and I couldn't believe it when the ITES system started bleeping.
    "Naton, Ekim, come here!" I shouted. "We've got life signals!"
    Naton was up from the cabin in less than a second.
    "Yes!" he shouted in delight. "We've done it! They said we'd never find life in this sector, but I know when a sector looks promising!"
    My brother and I shared a celebratory hug.
    "Where's Ekim, anyway?" I asked, "He should be here for this!"
    "He's still in bed."
    "Well, go and wake him up! He needs to see this!" Naton rushed off.
    I looked down at the planet, and felt a thrill of excitement. A new planet! Of course, I had stepped on many new planets, but this one... It looked beautiful. Most other planets are completely barren and grey. This one was deepest green in some places, and pure white in others; it had wide blue oceans, and vast deserts. I had never seen anything like it.

    (Continued in next post)

    Report message1

  • Message 2

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by Captainmeme (U14641020) on Friday, 18th March 2011

    (continued)

    "What's happening?" said Ekim, emerging from the cabing with Naton.
    "Life!" I answered. One word was enough. Ekim ran to the viewing point.
    "Wow..." he said, and trailed off. This showed for sure that the planet was impressive. I had known Ekim from when I was only five Egas old, and I had never known him speechless. However, he didn't remain that way for long.
    "Naton, check the wavelegnths. See if they're intelligent. Sukram, prepare for landing."
    I ran for the landing gear controls. I knew I was technically Captain of this ship, but Ekim was usually the one to give the orders. Naton was only at the computer for a few seconds before he cried out.
    "They've got an Ethernet!"
    "An Ethernet? Are you sure?" asked Ekim. He looked genuinly shocked. The Bazookians had so far found about 600 planets with intelligent liife on them, and only three of them had had some version of the Ethernet. If we found another one, we'd go down in history.
    "Yes!" replied Naton. "It's amazing!"
    "Try and look up what you can. Sukram, have you got the landing gear ready yet?"
    "Umm... Not yet." I had been too busy listening to Naton. Now, he was reading an Ethernet page. That was something amazing about Naton. All Bazookians had a gift for languages, but his was something special. He could pick up a language in a few minutes.
    A few minutes later, Naton called out.
    "This planet is called 'The Earth'!"
    "Why would they call it that?" I asked. "That's not a name, it's a description!"
    "I don't know... It says it's inhabited by 'Humans'"
    "Right." said Ekim. "Sukram, is the landing gear ready yet?"
    "Yes, sir" I said, then realised I had replied on automatic. Ekim stared at me, then looked away.
    "Sukram, perhaps you should give the orders. I'm only a sargeant."
    "No, no. Don't worry. It's fine. Anyhow, the landing gear's ready."
    "Then let's land!"
    Excitement swelled up in me. We were going to land on 'Earth'!


    Anyway, that's the story so far. Do you think adding Ekim improved it? If not, I'll take him out again.

    Thanks everyone,
    CM

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  • Message 3

    , in reply to message 2.

    Posted by xx Crimson Artist xx (U13818416) on Saturday, 19th March 2011

    I often find that when I add a character, they refuse to move anyway...

    I'd personally say always keep a character in, just to see how it pans out.

    You can always take characters out later if your not happy ^^

    ><

    Report message3

  • Message 4

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by Ksnglnd (U14755367) on Saturday, 19th March 2011

    If you have trouble ending a novel write the end first, I know Tolkien did for his books, it gives you something to aim at and you don't get waylaid. Alternitively if you get stuck just go into some irrelevant anecdote that is linked back to the plot later on, it worked for Douglas Adams (my favourite author as it happens) then go back to whatever is happening in the plot.

    Report message4

  • Message 5

    , in reply to message 4.

    Posted by wordgal (U13663697) on Saturday, 19th March 2011

    OOO, science fiction! *drools excitedly* Oops, I should learn to keep my mouth shut. I didn't read the one before, but I like the Ekim dude, and I'm glad I've started reading this. Yay, I love it. And I love the setting and idea that these people are not human. It's a twist on normal Sci-fi, which is always humans finding something else. smiley - biggrin

    Report message5

  • Message 6

    , in reply to message 2.

    Posted by Captainmeme (U14641020) on Saturday, 19th March 2011

    Hey,

    Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I think I'm keeping Ekim in.
    Also, I know whats going to happen in the end, and in the middle, but apart from that this story could go anywhere. Trust me, whenever something significant happens in this story, it will amaze me just as much as it would amaze you.
    Incidently, Douglas Adams is my second favourite author, just behind Terry Pratchett.

    Anyhow, on with the story.

    Naton stayed at the computer, while I ran madly around looking for something to do. Ekim stood at the front of the ship, looking out of the main viewing point, perfectly composed. We descended through the atmosphere.
    I, finding nothing in particular that needed doing, sat down at the monitoring computer and looked at the ground below us. We seemed to be heading for a tiny island, just off the shore of a great continent. Most of it was covered in clouds.
    "Are we going to land on that island?" I asked. "It looks a bit... Dull."
    "You tell me." said Ekim, not turning round. "I've not got the controls."
    We continued descending.
    I looked back at the monitoring screen. "It looks like we are. Anyhow, we don't want to attract a huge amount of attention. Perhaps a small island is our best bet." I answered. Then I turned to where Naton was sat at the computer. "What are you doing?"
    "I'm.." Naton started, but Ekim interrupted.
    "Were coming in to land."
    I looked back at the monitering screen. We were about 500 metres above ground level, and descending fast.
    "Decrease our speed." ordered Ekim, "We don't want to smash ourselves to bits on the ground."
    I did so.
    "Engage the landing gear."
    "Landing gear engaged." said the computer, as I activated it. I slammed the keyboard in annoyance.
    "Naton, I thought you turned that voice off."
    "I did. She comes back every time you turn the landing gear on."
    "Well, can't you turn her off again?"
    "I could try, but last time it took half an hour."
    "Oh, great. We're going to have to go through the whole 'Turn left in three hundred metres' thing again, aren't we?"
    "Yup."
    "Decrease speed in two hundred metres." said the computer, answering my question.
    "Just ignore it." said Naton, and turned back to the computer.
    I tried to.
    "Decrease speed in one hundred metres."
    "Decrease speed in fifty metres."
    "Decrease speed in ten metres."
    "Decrease speed now."
    "I know!" I shouted, and hit the computer.
    "Landing gear disabled." said the voice.
    "Uh oh."

    Report message6

  • Message 7

    , in reply to message 6.

    Posted by Ksnglnd (U14755367) on Saturday, 19th March 2011

    As it happens Pratchett is my second favourite author, the discworld's watch are his best IMO. But yeah the story is good, keep it up.

    Report message7

  • Message 8

    , in reply to message 6.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Monday, 21st March 2011

    I am so glad you've started this again, Cap'n - I enjoyed it the last time and was sad when you didn't continue it. Personally I like the new character because he's very good for use as a cypher - the one to who things have to be explained. He's a sort of substitute for the reader - asking the kind of questions the reader would ask if they could.

    I love that he has to ask questions and yet still gives out orders. Brilliant.

  • Message 9

    , in reply to message 8.

    Posted by wordgal (U13663697) on Tuesday, 22nd March 2011

    Oops, that could be bad... I went and found the old thread, I have to say I prefer it with three characters as it is now than with two. smiley - smiley

    Report message9

  • Message 10

    , in reply to message 6.

    Posted by Captainmeme (U14641020) on Sunday, 17th April 2011

    Hi everyone! I'm going to try to continue this story... It may not work out, but we'll see!

    Ekim was suddenly next to me. Anyone who didn't know him well would have been suprised at how fast he went from staring, motionless, out of the front of the ship to typing commands into the computer. I, however, had known him for a long time, and was surprised he wasn't there quicker. He must have been pretty distracted by the beauty of the planet.
    "What on Bazookia have you done to this, Sukram?" Ekim asked, typing quickly.
    "I don't know! I hit it!"
    "I can't get the landing gear engaged again! Get Naton over here!"
    Naton wasn't at the other computer; he was at the monitoring screen.
    "Pull up!" he shouted, as I approached.
    "We can land if we slow down! You need to come over here!"
    "No, we need to pull up! Now!"
    Naton ran over to the computer and pressed three buttons at once with one hand, typing with the other.
    "Ignition activated. Spacecraft will rise in ten, nine, eight..."
    "I thought I'd turned her off!" I shouted.
    "Never mind that! We've got more important thigs to deal with!"
    "Six..."
    "Yes, we do!" shouted Ekim, "What are you doing? We need to land!"
    "There's a group of inhabitants below us! The fire from the ship will kill them!"
    I ran over to the monitoring computer. There was a group of creatures below us, scattering in all directions to avoid the flame of the engine. If we went down any further, they would burn.
    "Three..."
    "We can't wait three seconds!" I said.
    "Brace!" shouted Naton, and pressed the left of the screen. Ekim ran to the observation platform and braced. I followed.
    "Full power activated."
    Naton dived away from the computer, and grabbed the safety rail on the stairway leading to the cabin. I, however, didn't manage to grab anything quickly enough. The engine went to full power, and I was flung across the room. The last thing I heard before I blacked out was "Spacecraft rising. Please turn on your electroseatbelt."

    Report message10

  • Message 11

    , in reply to message 10.

    Posted by He With An Awesome Name (U13828827) on Monday, 18th April 2011

    This is so wonderfully surreal and realistic and the same time...I love it xD

    kk27

    Report message11

  • Message 12

    , in reply to message 10.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Tuesday, 19th April 2011

    This is a really nice action sequence - I really love the way you built tension into it, allowed it to really build up to a crescendo and then let us down right at the end. A very skilled piece of writing, Cap'n...

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