This discussion has been closed.
Posted by Scarlett (U14649098) on Thursday, 11th November 2010
Hey - I found the board was actually working, and while I know we're moving to Bitesize, I thought I'd post my first thing before we did I know the title sucks, but I haven't actually got anything better, so it'll have to do.
I stared out of the window of the train, watching the houses flash by. My eyes were burning, and the lump in my throat made it impossible to swallow, but I was determined not to cry. Not for them; not for anyone. I wouldn't give them that satisfaction. Not when they had lied to me . . . not when . . .
But I wouldn't think of that. I COULDN'T. Not if I wanted to keep calm.
My hands were clenched tight, my knuckles white from the strain, and I turned my head away from the place I had known all my life; the place I was leaving.
My red hair reflected in the shiny plastic table, and I was filled with a vengeful anger so strong it shocked me.
"We don't think it was an accident."
The flat voice in my head startled me out of my anger, and I couldn't breathe. My lungs had seized and I couldn't breathe . . .
I dragged in a rasping breath and turned to the window again, flinching as stormy rain splattered the window pane. I was a mess.
Footsteps sounded towards me, and I glanced up, terrified they would come near me. It was a tall boy, carrying a large bag, and he flashed me a grin I couldn't return.
"Can I sit here?" he asked, gesturing towards the free seat opposite me. I shrugged, and went back to staring out of the window, hoping he'd take the hint.
He didn't, instead sitting down with his bag next to him. I focused on the rain, trying desperately to ignore his eyes on me, knowing it wouldn't be long until my temper boiled over.
He didn't look away, and I couldn't stop myself any longer. "It's rude to stare," I snapped, my eyes narrowed dangerously. The boy raised one eyebrow, but didn't say anything. For a second, I wondered just what was passing through his head. I knew I looked a mess; my hair stuck up in all angles around my face, and my face felt tight from the salty tears. A large, hurriedly packed bag was sitting next to me, and every few seconds my phone buzzed with a new message or call.
"I'm sorry, Victoria," I thought desperately. "I'm sorry for what I'm putting you through."
Please comment/critisize on my story; I'll take everything people say on board and don't be afraid to say whatever you think; I just sort of wrote it down with no foreplanning.
Posted by kim (U13937108) on Thursday, 11th November 2010
I am not sure what you want me to criticise, but I actually can't think of one thing that I didn't like. I thought the voice was very clear, I thought it read very well indeed and it definitely made me want to read more and find out what she's running from.
I think it's a cracking start and I have to say it's so good that you got to put up your own thread, but boy you should have said you could write this well This is super, keep it coming.
Posted by kim (U13937108) on Thursday, 11th November 2010
Nope I read it through twice and it was even better the second time. I really want to know who Victoria is? I am thinking her mother, but then of course it could be any one!!!
Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Friday, 12th November 2010
Wow - who is Victoria? What DID our narrator do? Why is the boy there? So many questions - a fabulous start to the story, as it has us asking questions from the word 'go.'
Posted by Ellen (U14017989) on Friday, 12th November 2010
I think this is brilliant! One of the best opening's I've ever seen, and like Kim said, you should have said what such a great writer you are! How long have you been writing for?
The only things I could pick up on were - 'I was a mess' and the use of capitals for 'couldn't'. My writer's circle basically avoid telling like the plague - you have already shown us that the protagonist is a mess through her breathing and i have an image of her with a blotted face trying not to cry - so we already know she is a mess...if that makes any sense. Also the capitals for couldn't - that's just a pet peeve really - i understand you are using it to emphasise her need to not think of whatever subject she is trying to avoid, but (and I know you can't do it on here) but italics should do that just fine.
But seriously? There is nothing here that I would change apart from those two small things! I mean it scarlett, this is superb and you have a natural talent for writing - I'm envious!
Posted by wordgal (U13663697) on Friday, 12th November 2010
Yes, everything they said. This is really wonderful, I hope you have more of this!
Posted by Hina...x['The World Isn't Just Split Up Into Good People And Death Eaters.'] (U14332787) on Friday, 12th November 2010
Welcome to Blast. =]
I agree with everyone. Brilliant begining and simply lovely description. Can't wait for some more. =]
Posted by xXxlozaxXx - aka Laura (U14684995) on Friday, 12th November 2010
Well done Scarlett! I think it's really good (and I think it's much better now you've improved it). It's really good!
Also, whoever was saying about the capitals, I know Scarlett and that's what she does instead of italics, but since italics can't be used she uses capital letters. Actually she introduced me to Blast (from the 20 minutes I've been on here I can tell its awesome)
Posted by Scarlett (U14649098) on Friday, 12th November 2010
Thanks, Laura!! And thanks everyone else for your amazing comments :D that just made my day!!! I've been sort of writing ever since I was 7, but only seriously started when I was 11. I'll post the next part up soon.
Posted by kim (U13937108) on Friday, 12th November 2010
Hey Laura, welcome to Blast (soon to be Bitesize!!)
Do you have some writing for us to review.
And Scarlett, seriously this was excellent writing.
Posted by Scarlett (U14649098) on Sunday, 14th November 2010
Okay, here's the next part. I intended to post on Friday, but the closing time caught me out. I then tried on Saturday, but the closing times changed, and therefore caught me out.
Anyway . . . 'I was a mess' is coming out, by the way, and I've changed a tiny little other bit. I'm still going to use capitals in place of italics, but just so everyone knows, I would use italics if I could.
The boy continued staring at me, and just as I thought that I couldn't take any more, he spoke.
"Are you okay?"
"Yes," I spat, the words acidic in my mouth. "Yeah, it's great. Everything's [Edited by Moderator] dandy." Before my face could betray me, I stared out of the window again, my hands shaking with emotion.
He frowned at me, and somehow his concern made everything worse. "Are you sure?"
"I'm fine!" My words caught slightly on the way out, and as if in defence, I narrowed my eyes at his t-shirt. It was white; an inoffensive colour in itself, but I found myself hating everything about. It was harsh; cold; taunting.
"Listen - I only want to help--"
"Just leave me alone." I glared at him, taking in his appearance for the first time. His hair glimmered different shades of honey and brown, and his eyes were coffee-coloured, with a golden ring around the pupil.
He frowned, the lines cutting into his face making him look a whole lot older, and his lips pressed tightly together. For a second, I actually thought he was going to get up and walk away, but then he leant forwards, putting his elbows on the table. I flinched away, the same, flat voice echoing in my head.
"We don't think it was an accident."
He pulled back when he saw my expression, but his hands were still in sight. I fixed my eyes on them instead, absorbing the bluish bruising veins bulging under the skin. Tendons danced as his fingers twitched impatiently, and I glanced up at his face again.
"Hello?" he said irritably, "still sitting here, you know. What happened?"
I swallowed convulsively, and tried to find my voice. It came out in a hoarse squeak. "What makes you think anything happened?"
"We don't think it was an accident," the voice whispered, worming its way into the forefront of my mind. I tried not to shudder, but my entire body trembled.
Both eyebrows rose this time, and the boy's lips quirked into an ironic smile.
"Do you want a list?"
He sighed suddenly, and all traces of humour were gone from his face.
"Tell me what happened."
Everything's over, I thought. That's what's happened.
"You have no idea about my problems, kid," I said at last, and my bones were filled with an overwhelming weariness. What was I even doing on this train? I should just go home.
The boy didn't move, and the gold in his eyes glowed at me. My gaze dropped to my jeans, and my fingers plucked at the fuzzy thread surrounding a rip. I could see the skin through the material, and I scratched it by accident, my nail digging in painfully.
He was still motionless, and I jerked my head up, opening my mouth to say something to him, but a dry sob interrrupted me, suddenly barking out of my mouth. I pressed my forehead against the cool plastic table top, and wrapped my arms around my head.
Don't you dare throw up, I told myself desperately. It's going to be okay.
I didn't stop to think how much of a lie that was.
Posted by kim (U13937108) on Sunday, 14th November 2010
Hey Scarlett, another good update. I really like the refrain that occurs throughout of the 'we don't think it was an accident' it's really effective.
Erm, I was a little bit confused though to be honest. She doesn't know the boy does she? The trouble I have is that the dialogue for me doesn't ring true. I mean if he knows what she's done, or he's there on purpose then this is a really great move, but if he's just some random guy, then I am not sure he'd just start talking to her like that. But it is excellent writing and the storyline is fascinating, love how you're pacing this.
Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Monday, 15th November 2010
Scarlett - this is coming on really, really well. I like the slight artificiality of the dialogue - it has a sort of 'heightened reality' feel to it.
I would love it if you could possibly continue this over at Bitesize. Since you've only posted two sections so far, would you mind cutting and pasting them into a new thread over there before continuing so that the people already on Bitesize can read it too?
Looking forward to seeing you there!
Posted by Scarlett (U14649098) on Tuesday, 16th November 2010
Okay guys - anyone who's actually reading this on here - I am taking Sandra's advice and copying and pasting it on Bitesize. I've also added to it on there, so people have to follow the link to read it the next part.
By the way, kim, if you're reading this, I've got a plan for the dialogue, and although I usually do have a habit of launching straight in, and then prolonging it far too much - I never use 5 words if 50 will do - I haven't done in this case.
And (hopefully) all will be revealed . . .
Posted by kim (U13937108) on Tuesday, 16th November 2010
I completely trust you on this Scarlett, I thought there was probably a reason for it.
Posted by Scarlett (U14649098) on Wednesday, 17th November 2010
I'm not sure your confidence is wholly deserving, kim, but thanks anyway
Please don't leave.
Copyright © 2015 BBC. The BBC is not responsible for the content of external sites. Read more.
This page is best viewed in an up-to-date web browser with style sheets (CSS) enabled. While you will be able to view the content of this page in your current browser, you will not be able to get the full visual experience. Please consider upgrading your browser software or enabling style sheets (CSS) if you are able to do so.