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A Bully's Tale - Thread 2

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Messages: 51 - 76 of 76
  • Message 51

    , in reply to message 50.

    Posted by kim (U13937108) on Wednesday, 14th July 2010

    This isn't rough at all, have some confidence Bex.

    I really loved this latest bit, the dialogue seems very right and Miss Marple is by far my favourite character. Loved this. Personally I would cut the scene before this and go straight to it.

    Report message1

  • Hey Bexy,

    Brilliant. I love Bethany's personallity. She's so different, and Miss Marple is brilliant. I wonder what goes on in her mind...

    Hina.

    Report message2

  • Message 53

    , in reply to message 50.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Thursday, 15th July 2010

    This is great. I love that Miss Marple is such a tought mentor. At last she's not as wizened as Yoda though!

    This is coming on so well. I confess I'm with Kim - I think that the earlier scene might be worth condensing when yuo come to an edit - but for now, just keep going. This is just wonderful. My favourite bit is when Bethany says that Miss marple never uses any terms of endearment - and we're left to work out whether or not Bethany is rather sad about that...

  • Message 54

    , in reply to message 50.

    Posted by Bexy (U13902202) on Thursday, 15th July 2010

    Thank you Kim, for your support and your honesty...thank you Hina for reading this, I always appreciate it smiley - smiley And thank you Sandra, for your feedback and your crit. Hope you're all all good x

    ***

    Mum is at home. She's managed to get dressed today. Even do some cleaning by the looks of things. Impressive.

    “How was school, honey?”

    Oh, so this is how we're going to play it. Like nothing's happened. The whole 'it's all normal' game. Fine.

    “Boring.”

    “What lessons did you have?”

    I shrug.

    “That interesting?”

    I shrug again, pouring myself a glass of water. Its lukewarm but I drink it any way.

    “I'm just going out to get some shopping in. Anything you want?”

    “Not really.” I mutter.

    “Sure?”

    “Yep.”

    She seems to deflate a bit. “Okay. See you soon.”

    The front door slams. Keys jingle in the lock. She's locking me in? What, so I don't escape the mad house?

    I roll my eyes and slouch in the living room, sticking the TV on. There's a photo balanced on top of it. Mum and dad and me. Should have got rid of it.

    I stare blankly at the screen, watching some glum looking presenter inform the world of yet more bad news. Like we haven't heard enough already.

    Not really listening though. Best not to listen.

    Weather girl comes prancing on the screen. Ray of sunshine. Ha.

    “Home.”

    Blimming heck, that was quick. Did she teleport there or something?

    “Just nipped down to the corner shop. Figured the supermarket would be too busy.”

    “Oh.”

    She looks at me for a moment, then pulls a bottle of coke out of her bag. “Bought this for you.”

    I take it, and nod. “Thank you.”

    Peace offering. That's good.

    “Now,” She says. “We didn't talk about this Jerry, last night.”

    “No. We didn't.”

    “So?”

    “So?”

    “How long have you been seeing him for?”

    I shrug. “Not that long.”

    She looks down at her hands. “Have you...?”

    “Have we what?”

    “Have you slept with him?”

    I open the Coke bottle, enjoying the sudden fizz. That's my favourite bit. “No.”

    What would be the point in telling her? I think about it. I had wanted to hurt her, but today that...that need, that want, just seems to have gone.

    What kind of person wants to hurt their mother?

    “Well.” She says, frowning. I don't think she believes me. “If you did, I'd hope you'd use protection.”

    Yep. She doesn't believe me. I roll my eyes.

    “And don't let yourself get forced into it -”

    “I know, mum. I don't need that whole talk.”

    “Well...okay.” She strokes my hair. I don't shake her off, but I don't like it. “I just worry.”

    “Well don't.” I mutter.

    “Easier said than done.” She looks up at the TV. “What're you watching?”

    “Bit of a stupid question, mum.”

    Report message4

  • Message 55

    , in reply to message 54.

    Posted by kim (U13937108) on Thursday, 15th July 2010

    Ha, brilliant dialogue. I like this heart to heart, the mum does seem to get back a little too soon. Even if she did got to the corner shop I reckon it might take longer. Depends how close they live to the corner I guess.

    Report message5

  • Message 56

    , in reply to message 54.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Friday, 16th July 2010

    I really enjoyed this again - but I think there's a couple of practical points you need to address here. Firstly 'the keys jangle in the lock' - is her mother locking her in?

    Secondly I think Kim's right - mum's not out long enough. You might choose to have bethany doze for a moment, so that she is suddenly woken up by her mum, to allow time to pass.

    But the dialgoue as always is fantastic.

  • Hey Bexy,

    I'm loving the dialogue. Simply brilliant. =]

    Hina.

    Report message7

  • Message 58

    , in reply to message 57.

    Posted by Bexy (U13902202) on Tuesday, 20th July 2010

    Thank you Kim and Sandra for the crit, as ever smiley - smiley Always appreciated and made note of. And thank you Hina for reading!

    Sorry about the really erratic posting, I so need to give myself a boot up the backside with writing lately. I will try harder.

    ***

    She sighs. “Yes, I suppose it was. Any good news tonight?”

    “No.”

    “Never is. I'll go get tea started.”
    ___

    We eat tea together. Actually civilised. Not much conversation, but there never is these days.

    She does open her mouth a few times as though about to come up with something but each time she just shuts it again. As though working out the right way to tell me something.

    Once we are both finish, I thank her very politely and go up to my room. I open the book I'm meant to be reading and go over the bit I did with Miss Marple today, but I can't concentrate.

    I hate to admit it, but I'm...I'm still wondering where Ali was. What's wrong with her.

    Not worried. I don't do the whole worrying thing, I mean, there's nothing I can do about it. But I would like to know. I am a nosey sod after all.

    Maybe I should ring her.

    I open my phone and look at it. Do I ring her? Would she want me to?

    I think for a second, and then I nod to myself before dialling her number. But it goes straight through to voicemail. Switched off.

    Her phone is never off. She always keeps it on; says she's scared the one time she has it off she'll get some kind of, hugely important emergency call or something. But it's off tonight.

    I put my mobile on the bed and look at the book again, but the letters seem to go in and out my head, and I keep thinking back to yesterday. Maybe I should have been a bit nicer.

    But I've never been very nice. Ali must be used to it by now. To be honest, I have no idea why she hasn't given up on me. I want her to.

    Well. I wanted her to.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not getting all warm and open and caring. I don't care about her. But it's good to have friends. It keeps you safe. I guess that's why she's put up with me.She doesn't really have anyone else.

    Poor her.

    Report message8

  • Message 59

    , in reply to message 58.

    Posted by kim (U13937108) on Wednesday, 21st July 2010

    This is a lovely insight into her character and it shows a slight change in her feeling towards poor Ali. I can't wait to find out what's up with her friend. I think that reveal has to come soon, it just has to.

    But yes boot up the backside. And more.

    Report message9

  • Message 60

    , in reply to message 58.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Wednesday, 21st July 2010

    I love the way that Bethany is slooooooowly growing here. Fantastic. You're not rushing it. Brilliant.

  • Message 61

    , in reply to message 60.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Wednesday, 21st July 2010

    Any reason why she doesn't leave a message?

  • Bexy,

    I love the way Bethany keeps denying she cares about Ali when she actually does (even if it is a little bit). xD I'm really enjoying this. =]

    Hina.

    Report message12

  • Message 63

    , in reply to message 62.

    Posted by violetPixie (U14348064) on Sunday, 10th October 2010

    Bexy, whats happened to the story? I've been reading it all the way through and loving it, I don't know why I haven't commented before. it's brilliant. I really have to know what happens! =)

    violetPixie x

    Report message13

  • Message 64

    , in reply to message 63.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Monday, 11th October 2010

    Yes - what's happened, Bexy? I clicked on this all excitement, thinking you'd begun it again but no - it's just someone else who loves it, asking for more. MORE! MORE! MORE!

  • Message 65

    , in reply to message 58.

    Posted by Bexy (U13902202) on Friday, 22nd October 2010

    Well wow, thanks to all you guys who've been reading it...I'm really sorry I haven't been posting, I got so distracted over the summer and then never really got back to it. But I so appreciate it, so thank you...I'm back smiley - smiley And I will actually try now...

    Excuse the rustiness, and roughness of the next few bits...I know they're bad but I kind of just need something to get going again now. Thank you...

    ***

    The next day, I arrive at school early. Mum offered to give me a lift, and I am a lazy sod. Figures, really.

    I wait at the school gates for Ali; she's always on time. And she always waits for me. I might not be nice, but it seems only fair.

    Jerry grins as he walks in, but I don't even bother smiling back. What's the point? He got what he wanted out of me. Hopefully now I went out with one of the popular guys, that'll stay with me now and everyone'll leave me alone.

    But I suppose I'd better break it off, first.

    He looks confused, but I shake my head and he shrugs, heading towards the school building. Everyone's herding inside today. It's cold, there's frost on the ground.

    “Ali?” She looks at me blankly from underneath the hat she's pulled low over her face.

    “Oh. Hi.”

    I follow her in. “How are you?”

    “Fine.”

    “Where were you yesterday?”

    She doesn't reply.

    “Ali?”

    She shakes her head, and I take the hint. I can let it go.

    “I tried to call you.”

    “Phone ran out of battery.”

    “You put it on to charge every night, though!” I nudge her, trying to make a joke out of it, “You're one of the most anal people I've ever met when it comes to your mobile.”

    “Must have forgotten.” She doesn't even crack a smile.

    We're outside the classroom now. She takes off her hat and coat, staring at the floor.

    “I know you aren't fine.”

    She looks up, and I take a step back. There's a wide, purple bruise on her forehead, that she hastily pulls her fringe over. “Well good for you.” She snaps, before hurrying inside.

    Report message15

  • Message 66

    , in reply to message 65.

    Posted by violetPixie (U14348064) on Saturday, 23rd October 2010

    Yay, yay, yay! *jumps up and down in delight* So glad you've carried on withthis! Thankyou Bexy!

    Report message16

  • Message 67

    , in reply to message 66.

    Posted by kim (U13937108) on Saturday, 23rd October 2010

    Hurrah Bethany is back, lol... I love the update I really do and it shows that no matter how long you leave something, if you've got it and the story is good then it's never too late. I agree it is a little shaky at the start, but the second you step into the dialogue, it's just as great as ever. Your dialogue Bexy really sings, few can touch you on that.

    Really great to see this back and moreover to have you back. I really have missed you.

    Report message17

  • Bexy,

    Yay, more! Ali's hiding something! I'm really glad this has come back. =]

    Hina

    Report message18

  • Message 69

    , in reply to message 65.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Monday, 25th October 2010

    Hooray! I almost didn't dare hope that this might be a continuation rather than just people asking your to continue it!

    This is as wonderful as ever. I love that it's clear that Bethany's problems appear to be nothing in comparison to poor, sweet Ali's. I didn't see that coming and I really like it. I also like that Jerry appears to be rather more 3D than we expected. I love that this always seems to confound expectataions!

    More!

  • Message 70

    , in reply to message 69.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Thursday, 11th November 2010

    D'oh! I had SO hoped that this was a continuation - but it's just me!! Any chance of continuing this? I am so loving it...

  • Message 71

    , in reply to message 70.

    Posted by Bexy (U13902202) on Monday, 15th November 2010

    Thank you so much Hina, VP, Kim and Sandra. Not sure how many of you will read this but I wanted to thank you.

    I'm not sure yet if I will be continuing onto the Bitesize message boards...I kind of wanted this finished before the move. I know it's my own fault that it wasn't.

    If I don't, I just wanted to say thanks so much for your support and help...I'd never have got this far without it...and it's really helped at times when my writing has struggled or my confidence has plunged.

    Thank you.

    Report message21

  • Message 72

    , in reply to message 71.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Tuesday, 16th November 2010

    Bexy - I really wish you would bring it over. It's such an incredible story and I love to read it. If you don't want to come over on a regular basis, perhaps you can visit us all with little installments from time to time - you don't need to 'register' - your login is good all over the BBC - so you can just post directly. Would you like me to get this moved for you?

  • Message 73

    , in reply to message 71.

    Posted by Hina...x['The World Isn't Just Split Up Into Good People And Death Eaters.'] (U14332787) on Tuesday, 16th November 2010

    Bexy,

    You have to continue this story! I really want to know what's happening with Ali and you have to come with us! You can just pop in to say 'hi', Bexy. You will be missed very much.

    Hina

    Report message23

  • Message 74

    , in reply to message 73.

    Posted by Bexy (U13902202) on Tuesday, 16th November 2010

    Um, is that possible Sandra? If so...yeah, please.

    Sooo I'll give carrying on a shot...Feel like I kinda owe you guys for keeping me on track in some ways ha...I don't know if that makes sense though. I guess I just feel like I should finish it. Might be a bit erratic though. And when I post I'll make sure to do some reading too.

    And I'll pop in to say hi, Hina. I'll still be reading your Elements story. Sorry I haven't posted in aaages...I'm still loving it...

    Report message24

  • Message 75

    , in reply to message 74.

    Posted by Hina...x['The World Isn't Just Split Up Into Good People And Death Eaters.'] (U14332787) on Wednesday, 17th November 2010

    Bexy,

    Yay! I'm really happy that you are. =] Oh, it's fine, Bexy. Thank you. =]

    Hina

    Report message25

  • Message 76

    , in reply to message 75.

    Posted by English Host (U1934188) on Thursday, 18th November 2010

    I'll ask the team to move the story across. I don't know where they are in the whole moving-things process yet, but fingers crossed...

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