Fantasy Archers  permalink

Dave Barry's Week

This discussion has been closed.

Messages: 1 - 21 of 21
  • Message 1. 

    Posted by Anarchers (U14595877) on Monday, 10th January 2011

    Dear Mrs Pargetter

    I have been back in Borchester for less than a month and it is with great sadness that I have learned of your husbands tragic accident. Nigel was very kind to me when I was at Borchester CID twenty years ago and he will be sorely missed in Ambridge. I remember several hilarious encounters with him, when we had to lock him up, drunk and disorderly in a gorilla outfit, so it is with a heavy heart that I will attend St Stephen's on Thursday to pay my last respects to Nigel.

    With deepest sympathy

    Yours sincerely

    Detective Chief Superintendent David Barry

    Dave Barry grunted with satisfaction, sealed the envelope, adorned it with a first class stamp and popped it in the out tray on his desk. He needed more background on the circumstances of this incident and attending Nigel's funeral, out of uniform, was an opportunity not to be missed. Who knows, if he could avoid the wreckage of previous Ambridge romantic entanglements, he might make a preliminary assessment of the Ambridge talent.

    "Leonie.." he called.

    "Yes guv?" Leonie appeared in the doorway.

    "Leonie, there have been some rather strange developments with the Lower Loxley sudden death last week. Let me know if anything unusual happens in the area, particularly any strange behaviour in the Ambridge locality."

    "Yes guv, though nothing to report at the moment, just the Perks lad in this evening being questioned about a garden shed and some matches."

    "Perks!" Barry started.

    "Yes sir, Jamie Perks, Ambridge teenager with matches again, in the vicinity of a blazing garden shed," Leonie too was new to Borchester CID but was enjoying it tremendously.

    So Sid Perks and that minx Kathy had stayed together after all, they'd even had a son, Barry shook his head in disbelief. Like father, like son, Jamie appeared to be taking the same career path as his dad and would soon, no doubt, be detained in a young offender's institution. Of course Sid had done good, in the end. Barry remembered a jovial, conservative man with an outreagous homophobic outlook. Barry didn't like gays either, but it didn't stop him drinking in the Cat and Fiddle. The beer was better there, and cheaper.

    "I think I'll have a little with Mr Jamie Perks," he said.

    As he passed the sargeant's desk, on the way down to the cells, Barry noticed a harassed looking woman with a carrier bag in earnest conversation with the desk sargeant.

    "Guv," called the sargeant, "This lady has some information about the Lower Loxley sudden death, could you have a word with her?"

    Dave Barry turned to meet Kathy Perks face to face. They both stood transfixed for a moment. "Kathy?" said Barry uncertainly, Kathy Perks just stood there dumbly.

    "How's your husband?" asked Barry, but Kathy didn't reply "Sid...?" Barry prompted... "He's dead!" said Kathy flatly.

    "Oh, I'm very sorry to hear that," Barry was shocked, he'd had no idea.

    "Oh its allright," said Kathy, "We were divorce... He... But... Er..." her voice trailed away, it clearly wasn't allright.

    "Double whammy, foot in mouth!" thought Barry.

    "I came to pick up my son and talk to somebody about the Lower Loxley case," Kathy recovered herself and resumed her original mission.

    "Oh yes," Barry encouraged her, "What have you to report?"

    "I found these in a carrier bag under one of the tables in the Orangery..." Kathy held out the carrier bag in which were several packets of butter.

    Barry looked in the bag and sighed, "Oh yes," he said, "Borchester Gold, if I'm not mistaken, The World's Slipperiest Butter".

    Report message1

  • Message 2

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by Anarchers (U14595877) on Monday, 10th January 2011

    Typo,... no edit button

    "I think I'll have a little word with Mr Jamie Perks," he said  .

    Report message2

  • Message 3

    , in reply to message 2.

    Posted by JustJanie - Fairweather Strider (U10822512) on Monday, 10th January 2011

    Oo-er ...

    Waiting impatiently for the next instalment!

    Report message3

  • Message 4

    , in reply to message 3.

    Posted by barwick_green (U2668006) on Monday, 10th January 2011

    < Waiting impatiently for the next instalment! >

    Me too....maybe include Peeping Josh, Ambridge's knicker nicker?

    Report message4

  • Message 5

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by Anarchers (U14595877) on Monday, 10th January 2011

    The phone rang and Barry answered it briskly, "DCS Barry speaking," he said rather grandly, and then "Oh, yes, good morning mam."

    Any one in the room would have clearly heard the caller's voice, "I've just read your report on the Lower Loxley sudden death, did this rubbish come from your office?" Dave Barry kicked the door closed to discourage anyone from walking in.

    "What is all this nonsense about butter on the roof of the Great Hall?"

    "Well mam, I'm just waiting for the report from forensics..." began Barry but was immediately interrupted. "If you know what's best you'll bin it now Barry, I've never heard anything so ridiculous in all my life and if you waste any more money on this I'll have you busted."

    "Mam, several wrappers for Borchester Gold were found in the gutters and..." but again his caller completed his sentence for him, "...And they probably blew there in the wind, you must keep your head out of the clouds. There could be any number of reasons for those wrappers, who knows the cause of half of what happens in this benighted villiage, its a complete mystery to me. Good God man, how do you explain, for example, the presence of pig faeces in the valley gutters?"

    Barry had no answer to this question, but those of us who are acquainted with Susan Carter, as friends, will know that she, and Ikky, and the Sopwith Porker, target the Lower Loxley valley gutters for target practice using non-exploding pig-poo ordinance. Nigel knew about this, and thought it was extremely funny, but he never told anybody.

    Report message5

  • Message 6

    , in reply to message 5.

    Posted by typewright (U14048004) on Tuesday, 11th January 2011

    Lovely! This is shaping up nicely (rubs hands)

    Report message6

  • Message 7

    , in reply to message 5.

    Posted by Anarchers (U14595877) on Wednesday, 12th January 2011

    Leonie came into the office to report on her fact finding mission to Ambridge. "Its very strange guv, but Borchester Gold is stocked at the villiage shop, even though nobody in the area can really afford to buy it. It's a luxury product, so the demand would be quite minimal," she said. "Ambridge Organics don't stock it at all, which you would think the more likely of the two."

    "Never mind Leonie, I don't think we need bother too much about the butter angle of this case," Barry replied, he wasn't going to make himself unpopular by following a line of investigation which might prove unpopular.

    "Yes, but there is one strange thing I noticed," Leonie wasn't quite finished, like her mother she was fascinated by crime. "Whilst I was in the shop Jennifer Aldridge came in and brought several packets of the stuff, so I lurked a bit, pretending I needed some tights, and listened to the pig woman, Susan Carter."

    "Pig woman, I didn't think she was a farmer..?"

    "No sir, she isn't, only married into pigs like, you see, her husband's Neil Carter, but we call her pig woman any way," Leonie explained. "She's rather liberal with her opinions, great source of information, if you listen carefully, always raking through muck, just like pigs, hence pig woman, see?" she went on.

    Barry nodded, he remembered Susan vaguely and recalled that her jaw had a tendency to flap carelessly in the breeze.

    "Anyway," continued Leonie, "after Jennifer left the shop she let's fly about how the Aldridge family goes through packet's of the stuff, and she wonder's how Brian Aldridge's heart is going to withstand such a high level of cholesterol intake, its very rich guv, nice on crumpets from time to time, but not every day."

    Barry resisted the temptation to yawn, but Leonie was off again. "Then she goes on and on about how the other reason Jennifer get's Borchester Gold, is because its the slipperiest butter in the World, and how she can only get her wedding ring off when she applies liberal quantities of butter to her ring finger. Brian Aldridge is on final notice, so Susan says, any more hanky panky and Jennifer's going to remove that ring forever and go gold diggin with the lawyers. 'I'm warning you Brian,' Jennifer says, while he's spreading butter on his toast, enough to put you off butter for life, you'ld think, but he's got a hide like a rhinocerous."

    "Leonie," Barry interrupted, "This is fascinating information, but do you really think Jennifer Aldridge, in her high heels, and her fur coat, with her expensive silk scarf, wearing expensive perfume, would pop into the Orangery to leave incriminating packets of butter under the table, and then clamber up a ladder, to spread it about on the roof, unnoticed, in the hope that Nigel Pargitter would be silly enough to slip over the edge because of it?"

    "Yes, I see what you mean guv," Leonie considered carefully, "I thought that was a bit of a long shot too, so I wondered aloud who else would buy such expensive butter, and result, she was off again, couldn't stop her."

    "Yes, Leonie, this is all very interesting, but how does it affect the case, or why should I need to know?" Barry tried to shut her up again.

    "Oh yes, you need to know guv, you need to watch you're back after yesterday's telephone conversation," Leonie was every bit as persistent as her mother. "I would give it careful consideration if I were you guv. Guess who brought a catering pack of the stuff, just before Christmas?"

    A cold shiver ran down DCS Barry's spine.

    Report message7

  • Message 8

    , in reply to message 7.

    Posted by Jules (U14432409) on Thursday, 13th January 2011


    Who? Who bought it???

    Report message8

  • Message 9

    , in reply to message 7.

    Posted by Anarchers (U14595877) on Thursday, 13th January 2011

    Dave Barry hated funerals, unless they were in the course of business, in which case he revelled in the chase. This funeral, at Ambridge, was a curious combination of 'business and pleasure'. He took DC Snell with him as she appeared to have an inexaustible fund of local knowledge, which would come in handy. They both dressed in civvies as a mark of respect to Nigel.

    At the door to the Church they were met by an middle aged Archer, who Barry had some difficulty placing, he racked his brain in vain. "Kenton guv!" whispered Snell, who had positioned herself strategically on Kenton's blind side, which enabled her discrete briefing. Barry made a suitably sympathetic remark.

    They walked into the church, which was filling up fast and Barry chose a seat at the back of the church, partly out of defference to those who knew Nigel better than he, but mainly because it afforded a better vantage point for observation.

    "Who's the squeeze?" he whispered to Snell, as Mike and Vicky Tucker walked down the aisle, to a vantage point, just behind the family pews.

    "Vicky guv, Betty died a few years ago," whispered DC Snell, "...Pig woman," she muttered as Susan and Neil came into church, Susan looking daggers at Vicky and finding a seat on the other side of the aisle. "Something to do with yoghurt pot labels..." murmured Snell. Barry nodded, he wasn't sure if he recognised Susan, it was a long time ago.

    A grumble of Grundies came in next, chivvied along by Clarrie, "Nice to see all the generations together," thought Barry as Joe wheezed painfully into his seat. He noticed that the two couples, from the younger generation, sat on opposite sides of the aisle; "Domestic incident, probably involving firearms, just waiting to happen..." Snell continued her sotto voce commentary.

    "Sid Perks's third wife, Joelene and daughter Fallon guv," Barry nodded, Jolene was still quite a stunner, no wonder Sid died of a heart attack he thought. Fallon, the daughter, had a stunning figure and good looks, but was not accompanied by anyone else. "Partner?" whispered Barry nodding at Fallon. "Harry, guv, or she'd like it to be..." Snell answered, "Only I'm not sure he's interested."

    Jennifer Aldridge and Brian wafted past and Barry caught a whiff of perfume, he grunted, he'd seen many like Brian come to grief before, this one appeared to have a charmed existence. "She's looking after his love child... I wouldn't do that guv, not in a million years..." Snell sneered quietly.

    Barry nodded his agreement and was about to ask another quiet question when Snell dug him forcefully in the ribs, and jerked her head in the direction of the side aisle, "She's here guv, she's actually here..."

    Barry risked a careful glance in the direction indicated, but at that moment he heard a familiar voice approaching, not loud but nevertheless penetrating. He crouched a little lower in his seat, hoping not to be recognised, but it was too late. "Detective Chief Superintendent Barry, how nice to see you, only I wish it were under happier circumstances," Lynda Snell, with Robert in tow, plumped herself down next to her daughter DC Snell and beamed.

    Report message9

  • Message 10

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by Helen (U14747935) on Thursday, 13th January 2011

    ho ho - a great improvement on the lack of imagination recently seen in Archers' scripts - no offence to the scriptwriters - think they probably had their feet nailed to the floor by VW!

    Report message10

  • Message 11

    , in reply to message 9.

    Posted by Mr Snowy (U2260171) on Thursday, 13th January 2011

    Oh that was beautifully observed

    Report message11

  • Message 12

    , in reply to message 9.

    Posted by Anarchers (U14595877) on Saturday, 15th January 2011

    Coming out of the church car park Leonie turned left towards Lower Loxley driving sedately through the village. "Stop the car here, I wan't a word with her," said Barry suddenly. "Who guv?" Leonie asked, pulling up smoothly. "Pig Woman," said Barry over his shoulder as he got out of the car.

    Susan Carter was just letting herself into the shop. "We're closed this afternoon," she said as Barry followed her in, "I'm just putting up a notice about the funeral."

    "Oh that's allright love," said Barry, rather patronisingly, "I just need a pack of butter, that's all," and he walked over to the chiller cabinet. "Ah, my favourite," he exclaimed, "I don't suppose you sell too many of these," he remarked, casually putting a quarter pound of Borchester Gold on the counter.

    Susan started, "That'll be two pounds fifty," she said recovering herself quickly. Barry raised one eyebrow, "It's a quality dairy product sir, not cheap," said Susan, who hadn't recognised him.

    "So who do you sell this stuff too?" asked Barry, showing his police ID. Again Susan seemed a little taken aback, but recovered quickly. "Mrs Aldridge mainly," she said, "and the chef from Grey Gables comes in for it from time to time, when he's cooking at home for his beau... "

    "Anybody else, any unusual purchases?" Barry interrupted impatiently; Susan shook her head. At that moment Sabrena Thwaite came out of the stock room, "We're completely out of Borchester Gold," she told Susan, "Poor old Nigel brought the last catering pack for Lower Loxley just before Christmas."

    Barry paid for his butter and left the shop.

    Report message12

  • Message 13

    , in reply to message 12.

    Posted by Anarchers (U14595877) on Saturday, 15th January 2011

    Outside the shop Barry almost collided with Kathy Perks, who was with Jamie, walking in the direction of Lower Loxley. "Can I give you a lift Kathy?" asked Barry politely. Kathy looked startled, her car was off the road and she was unsure how she would get to Lower Loxley. Before she had time to object Barry had opened the door of the car, and ushered her politely in to the back seat.

    Barry went round to the other side of the car, and opened the door for Jamie; "Matches!" he commanded, holding out his hand. Jamie mummbled something but Barry just repeated, "Matches, now!" and despite himself Jamie obediently handed over a lighter and box of matches. "Listen to me young man, if I ever see you in my nick again you're going down, just like your dear old dad, until then we'll forget about the garden shed shall we?"

    "But you can't do that, can you?" Jamie asked, taken aback.

    "Yes, I can actually," said Barry, "My shed, I'm not pressing charges," and and placing a hand firmly on the lad's head Barry propelled him expertly into the back of the car.

    Report message13

  • Message 14

    , in reply to message 13.

    Posted by Anarchers (U14595877) on Saturday, 15th January 2011

    "What was that all about with Jamie?" asked Leonie when they were on their way back to Borchester, after the wake. "Oh, nothing much," said Barry, "Just a little discussion about sheds, or as it happens, my shed."

    "What, that was you're shed?" asked Leonie, rather taken aback.

    "Yes," said Barry, "It was my shed." He reflected for a moment, and then he said, "And if I'd had my way I'd still have my shed, and Jamie Perks would never have been born."

    "How do you mean guv?"

    "I mean, I tried to liberate Kathie from that two faced, mean, petty, spiteful, self-important little git that used to be Sid Perks," said Barry, with feeling.

    "I see," said Leonie, "Do you wan't to tell me about it?"

    "No, not just now," said Barry, "I wan't to talk about butter."

    "I thought you told me to drop the butter angle?" said Leonie.

    "I've changed my mind," said Barry irritatingly. "Who did you say brought the last catering pack of Borchester Gold from the shop?"

    "She did guv, I tod you, surely you haven't forgotten that?"

    "You're wrong Leonie," said Barry, "You must never accept at face value anything anybody says to you, rule number one. If I let you guess all the way from here back to Borchester nick, you'll never guess who," he challenged her.

    "Aldridge," said Leonie, "Nigel know's he having another affair?"


    "Ok then, Crawford want's to sell the Bull to property developers, and Nigel found out?"


    And so they proceeded all the way back to Borchester.

    Report message14

  • Message 15

    , in reply to message 14.

    Posted by Anarchers (U14595877) on Saturday, 15th January 2011

    "All right then, Lillie and Freddie, couldn't stand the idea of going to private schools," said Leonie, exasperated as they walked into the office,

    "Nope," said Barry, "It was Nigel."

    "Yer kidding?" Leonie was shocked.

    "Look Leonie, who was the only person who could have climbed up that ladder, at any time of day or night, without attracting attention?"

    Leonie thought for a moment, "Nigel Pargetter I suppose?" she said grudgingly.

    "Precisely," said Barry, "Nigel Pargetter was the last person to buy Borchester Gold from the shop, the Thwaite woman let it slip when I was in the shop. Leonie, I think there's a script writer in the village,"

    "You mean Nigel was given a script, climbed the ladder and spread butter all over the roof, just so that he could go back up, and slide off latter in the evening?"

    "Exactly," said Barry, "People who abuse scripts have no control over their actions. Nigel was a pawn in a ruthless power struggle between rival gangs of script writers. I'm here to launch operation Gold to bring the perpetrators of this crime to justice."

    Leonie looked really shocked, "This has happened before then, hasn't it?" she said, "There was John Archer's death ten years ago in a tractor accident?"


    "Mark Hebbden in a very suspicious RTA?"


    "Jethro Larkin, shot dead for poaching by Tom Forrest? Was Tom Forrest a user too?"


    "And Grace Archer, rushing into a blazing barn full of horses and hay bales, did she take scripts?"

    "Yes, I believe she did," Barry nodded. "DC Snell, I believe We are dealing with a desperate gang of serial script writers

    Report message15

  • Message 16

    , in reply to message 15.

    Posted by Lilith (U14250994) on Saturday, 15th January 2011

    Oh, well done Anarchers!

    Am crying with laughter. Brilliant stuff!

    Report message16

  • Message 17

    , in reply to message 16.

    Posted by Vicky S (U2258400) on Saturday, 15th January 2011

    serial script writers 

    Whoever would have thought it.

    Well done that Dave Barry, I hope he manages to drive away in his classic car and negotiate the notorious Deadman's Curve on the bypass safely.......................

    Report message17

  • Message 18

    , in reply to message 15.

    Posted by typewright (U14048004) on Saturday, 15th January 2011

    'Leonie, I think there's a script writer in the village'

    So funny! Thank you, Anarchers!

    Report message18

  • Message 19

    , in reply to message 17.

    Posted by barwick_green (U2668006) on Monday, 17th January 2011

    < and negotiate the notorious Deadman's Curve on the bypass >

    He'll have to get through the Moike Tucker Chicane before gets that far; remember the Thin Controller's attempt to finally put out Cyclop's lights (for which the hideous harridan has yet to be brought to book)?

    Report message19

  • Message 20

    , in reply to message 1.

    Posted by clara_29 (U14737028) on Monday, 17th January 2011

    "The world's slipperiest butter" !!!

    He he he, love this...!

    Report message20

  • Message 21

    , in reply to message 15.

    Posted by PoppyFlax (U13985175) on Tuesday, 18th January 2011

    This is brilliant! Can't wait to see how the serial script writers are brought to book.

    Report message21

Back to top

About this Board

Welcome to the Archers Messageboard.

or register to take part in a discussion.

The message board is currently closed for posting.

This messageboard is now closed.

This messageboard is reactively moderated.

Find out more about this board's House Rules

Search this Board

BBC © 2014 The BBC is not responsible for the content of external sites. Read more.

This page is best viewed in an up-to-date web browser with style sheets (CSS) enabled. While you will be able to view the content of this page in your current browser, you will not be able to get the full visual experience. Please consider upgrading your browser software or enabling style sheets (CSS) if you are able to do so.