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| | Who I am now is not who I was yesterday, nor is it who I will be tomorrow. | |
Vital Statistics
Gender: Female
DOB: 04/08/49 (should have been the 7th but I
took my own sweet time - sorry Mom)
Height: 5'5"
Weight: Too much for my height ( now if I was about 8 feet tall...)
Family status: Married (2nd time around - Bashert (meant to be), I have found my soulmate), one son, one granddaughter, custodian of two collies and three finches
Geographical location: USA (but sometimes found in an alternative reality)
Favorite genre: Science Fiction / Science Fantasy
Favorite book: Stranger in a Strange Land by Robert Heinlein
Favorite series: All of the Deryni books by Katherine Kurtz (sorry Doug, you do come in second)
Favorite movie: Depends on my mood...if I want to laugh, Beetlejuice. If I need a good cry, The Ghost and Mrs. Muir (usually just taking it off the shelve works, so I can save some time)
What I would like to be doing most at this minute: Sharing water with a potential water brother (if he is ready to drink) and welcoming him into our nest (if you’re not familiar with the reference, check out Favorite book entry).
What makes me, me OR how did I get this way?Who I am now is not who I was yesterday, nor is it who I will be tomorrow. I have to believe that I am constantly changing not necessarily for the good because what is good other than an abstract term. I am currently diagnosed with Reflex Sympathetic Dystrophy (RSD - article under construction) and Post- Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Both diagnoses are relatively current (two months and 11 months, respectively). However, in retrospect, I believe the PTSD has been dormant for years and it took an accident to bring it to light with what was an apparently different cause. I was a victim of rape as a teenager, spent 18 years in an abusive (mainly psychological but occasionally physical) marriage, and most recently, 14 months ago, sustained an accident that left me with a fear of falling. I was not only afraid of myself falling, but I was afraid for family and friends. It began to consume enough of my life to force me to seek help and led me to the PTSD diagnosis. After doing a lot of research on the subject, I truly believe I have had this condition since I was a teenager. My most recent bout of PTSD was triggered off by a hiking trip where I witnessed a friend appear to be slipping off the cliff. Hubby claims the drop was not as steep as I perceived it to be (he's 6'5" and does have a different perceptive on life), so friend was never in any real danger. But my perception is from a foot short level, so I know what *I* saw (personally, I think he just said that to try to get me to stop worrying/thinking/fixating on it - FAT CHANCE). This has triggered numerous flashbacks, most frequently to the particular incident but also to my fall last year, incidents from my marriage and the rape. I find myself visiting my alternative realities again (something I have not consciously done in years). I’m also experiencing almost daily fugues - time loses I can’t account (used to chalk it up to alien abduction, but hmmm...now I wonder). The PTSD is now triggering my RSD. Pain level (article under construction) is holding right around and eight and it’s waking me up from my sleep...which of course leads to sleep deprivation, which increase stress/pain levels, which increase the PTSD, which increases the RSD, ad nauseam. Well, off to an alternative realty. Drop me a line and I’ll get back to you when I return.
Safe journey and may you never thirst,
Richenda
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Journal Entries
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| Welcome to this Researcher's Journal. If you'd like to comment on anything they have written here, just click the relevant 'Discuss this Entry' button. Candace Michele Rolsky, Associate of Liberal Studies, Phi Theta Kappa
May 23, 2008
On May 21, 2008, I received my Associates Degree from Elgin Community College. Shawn and Angel attended the graduation ceremony. I have pictures of everything EXCEPT me accepting my diploma. Angel was so excited she knocked the camera out of Shawn's hand.
On June 7, I am throwing myself a graduation party. If any of you are in the neighborhood, stop on by!
BTW - are all brainiacs a bit crazy? In the height of it all, I booked a five day vacation for the three of us to Disneyworld for one of the StarWars weekends (Angel's favorite star just happens to be hosting)this June. (What an inopportune time for my tax refund to show up ).
So what have I been doing for the past two years? Had you asked me that recently I would have replied drifting. But I would have been wrong. My job terminated in November, 2006 (but paid to Jan. 02, 2007). Unemployment benefits run out July, 2007. Finally found a temp job in July, 2007. Finished paying off bankruptcy. Managed to hang on to my house, dispite the economy and the record number of foreclosures. Lost 40 pounds. Received a 4.0 for everything attempted at ECC. Joined Phi Theta Kappa International Honors Society. With help of friends, painted the inside of the house, bailed out from last years flood, de-clutter the house, closets and garage ( I can finally get my van in the garage), put up new soffits and facia, alphabetized the books. Well, you get the idea.
Slowly, with the help of friends, I am pulling my life back together and starting over. I am beginning to socialize and join a number of meet-up groups. I think I am ready to join the world again.
Barton, dear, I still love you and miss you and always will. The fond memories will always be there. I know you are looking down and applauding all of my accomplishments. Thank you  for the courage and strength to keep going.
May 26, 2007 - Happy Anniversary, Barton
May 27, 2007
16 years ago we pledged 'til death do us part'. Even death could not part us. Darling I miss you you.
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April 15
Apr 16, 2007
Hi Darling,
It's been a year. When does the heart stop breaking? Mine knew even in my sleep when you had gone into distress last year. I went tachy at the same time this year. I had planned on coming to visit and bringing you one yellow rose. It didn't work out that way. My pressure bottomed out so low, the paramedics couldn't get a reading. By the time the ER got it high enough to register, the cemetary was closed. I'll try and make it by sometime soon for a visit. For awhile there, I thought I might be able to visit for good. Not soon enough.
{*}
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Happy Birthday, Darling
Apr 2, 2007
You would have been 59 today.
Last year you weren't feeling well and you told me to go out during the day with Angel and Shawn. We brought home a pizza from Lou Malnati's. All I can remember is you saying, it's your birthday and you didn't even get to choose what you had for dinner. I told you you could choose next year. I was wrong.
Tonight we did Chinese. I hope that was ok.
I miss you so much.
{*}
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Then and now
Mar 21, 2007
Dear Barton,
March 21, 1987
Four months ago we met on line. Today we met face to face. I have the pictures to show it. If I had to list my one million expectations for this day, falling head over heels in love with you would never had made the list.
March 21, 2007
When we met, you told me you had lived alone for 20 years and that it would take time to open up. I gave you 20 years to break down those glass walls and let me in. Today would have been the day.
It has been 20 years and 2 hours since I found you and 11 months, 3 days and 20 hours since I lost you.
The only thing that is breaking is my heart.
I miss you so much.
Why did you have to leave me alone?
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Last posted: May 28, 2008
