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A930205 Great Dates in History
(May 2, 2003)
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| | Still Wandering the World | |
"Be comforted small one, in your smallness. [God] lays no merit on you. Receive and be glad!"
~C.S. Lewis, Perelandra
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Hi. I'm Demazed. I'm twenty years old and I'm a girl. I am the Computer Lab Supervisor at a small Christian boarding high school in Michigan, which means I get paid $100 a month to sit in the lab for an hour every week day and make sure no one makes out. I'm also occasionally called 'Windy' (in reference to what some people call my "creepy" ability to leave and/or come without being heard or noticed without really trying) and 'Chaos Factor' (in reference to the chaos field around me that manifests itself with things going sometimes ridiculously wrong when directly or sometimes indirectly involving me). Yankee-Shoes' is a buddy who lives about twenty feet away from me, on the other side of the pine trees. I live on the top floor of an old farmhouse owned by the boarding school where my parents and I, where YS used to work, and where my sister is a student. CaliforniaGirl is YS' and my friend who also used to work here. Also, here is a place on the guide for Christians.
Well, here are some things that have been going on lately . . . -
No longer in California. Have been home for months. Merely haven't been around H2 for a while.
- The "Geeks in Space" project is coming along slowly. Things like living have indeed been getting in the way. The writing part has been happening; the drawing part not so much. I'm also working in my head on another project to be called "Miracle Max," most likely, which is based on an idea that emerged in a dream I had. Funny. I was thinking of learning to draw manga for it because that's the best medium I can think of for presenting it, but I'm really not too friendly with that stuff.
- Yeah, the driving thing . . . it still hasn't happened. But the time feels like it might be getting ripe. I'm thinking March . . .
- I have mostly come through the exit from anime; I tried watching some the other night and it had scarcely any appeal, not enough to keep me watching the entire episode of Big-O.
- I've been thinking about starting an online jewelry business. I'm doing beading right now and have been mulling over seeing about jeweler apprenticeship. {shrug} Maybe.
- I have been having a lot of spiritual struggles lately. Things will be all calm and then something will happen and the problem will just explode again and take up my brain space. The mediums through which the catalysts has been coming make me wonder if maybe I'm actually supposed to be dealing with this to get it out of the way, though. I'm not sure. It's all so complex, sorting through personal motivations and agendas and voices of influence that aren't God, lies from the devil, to see what He actually does want for me. It's not fun most of the time, but I see enough victory and the Summer prepared me in ways that are getting me in ways that I've never come through these attacks in before. So it's actually pretty cool, even if sometimes it's hard going. =]
- The recent books have been/are: The Universe and Doctor Einstein by Lincoln Barnett, The Autobiography of an Unknown South African by Naboth Mokgatle (very interesting, I highly recommend it so far), Our Marvelous Native Tongue: The Life and Times of the English Language by Robert Claiborne, and Four Arguments for the Elimination of Television by Jerry Mander. {sigh}
Okay. I'm done now. And also:
-(1*9)+(9*6)-0-3=42 I'll see you!
"The bravest thing of all is always hope!"
~Reese Roper, of Five Iron Frenzy and Brave Saint Saturn, in BSS's song "Binary Star"
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| Welcome to this Researcher's Journal. If you'd like to comment on anything they have written here, just click the relevant 'Discuss this Entry' button. July 24th, 2003 In Which I Read Too Much
Jul 24, 2003
Ouch. I gave myself a headache. I spend roughly four or five hours stilling on the couch reading in "Of Other Worlds," a collection of C.S. Lewis' essays on writing and forms of writing coupled with several short stories. I was doing follow-up on "Till We Have Faces." Interesting stuff. He delved so deep in the exploration of the nature of his own experiences. It boggles me to see shapeless impressions I've had formed clearly into words and in some cases logical analogies. Or I'm just rambling philosophically. One of the two.
I'm soon to be out of California. Hurray! I think Michigan is quickly becoming my heart's home, which isn't really a good thing. Or maybe it is. I prefer, I think, not having a home here that I relate and cling to. Particularly in a place where I feel like an outsider. {shrug}
That might be irony!  To feel like an outsider in the place that you identify in your heart as home while feeling like you belong in a place that your heart is far removed from, as I feel in California. Yeah. I think that is irony. But it makes sense. Especially if you believe that we weren't created for this world to be our home. {shrug}
Anyway . . . have a good day guys!
July 23rd, 2003 In Which I Finish C.S. Lewis's "Till We Have Faces"
Jul 24, 2003
Dang, that book is intense.
June 17th, In Which I Am Still Trying to Come to Grips (Don't read if you are currently working through Cowboy Bebop series)
Jun 17, 2003
The day before yesterday YS called me to tell me that she saw the last episode of Cowboy Bebop and that she needed to talk to me because I would understand her grief. I did. I didn't exactly mourn for Spike Spiegel, but I am reeling somewhat. I did not see that coming. Silly, that I didn't I guess, but those are the facts. As pathetic as it is, I'm having trouble coming to grips with his death.
Then that night I had to call YS to cry at her once I finished Les Miserables. I'd read the abridged before, I knew how it was going to end, but I had forgotten how emotionally wrought the last few chapters are. So I cried for a minute or so on the phone and felt better. I felt really silly, but as YS said she'd rather be sensitive enough to cry at the heart-breaking when it isn't real than be hard inside. I am thankful for that, too. I wish I was soft enough, though, that I'd cry when I watch the news.
June 16th, In Which I Make Some Dental Obeservations
Jun 17, 2003
So I was just looking in my mouth to see if I could spot any of the cavities I feel and realized that my teeth are embarrassing. I have so many fillings it's ridiculous. Granted none of them have been acquired in the last five years, but I also haven't been to the dentish in four. I'm beginning to feel some sensitivity on the left side of my mouth but that can't be cavities because the tops of those teeth are already covered in fillings! I really hope there aren't cavities UNDER the fillings. I don't know. {shrug} It'll be okay. After all, you only have to deal with having teeth problems while you're here so that's not forever. {shrug}
June 12th, 2003 In Which I am Happy and Rested and Thankful That God Has Preserved Me From Destruction
Jun 13, 2003
I am having a wonderful summer. I didn't want to come to California but I'm so thankful I was brought here anyway. God has a way of knowing what's best for us. I never thought this would be a peaceful experience, an experience of rest I needed apparently more than I thought I did. I usually feel guilty when at rest but this rest is accompanied by peace which touches Guilt gently on the shoulder and assures it that now is not its time. It's wonderful. Thinking back on all the times that I've wanted to kill myself, the long bout of bulimia that was on its way to killing my soul and was taking my body as well, the moments when I felt like there was no hope left, that I was too far gone into blackness and hate and death to ever see a star again, the moments when I would gladly destroy myself, the moments when I've felt completely alone and at odds with everything, when I've felt that the battle against myself is hopelessly neverending, when I've felt that there's no hope for me with God, that I could never overcome myself to be what I want to be for Him and for myself, the times I dug a razor into my upper arm to let the hate out, the times I was terrified of what I saw in myself, the times when I ask at the end of my rope, sometimes literally crumpled on the floor, for God to please help me because that's all I can think to say, thinking back on the unexpected, split-second healing of bulimia that I thought had been wrong to ask for, the protection from self-destruction that's been so patiently and lovingly, protectingly given to me, how I'm being so comfortingly and lovingly, persistantly led into a place of rest, I'm so thankful that God has brought me to where I am. Thank you, God, for saving me. Thank you. Thank you. Help me. Please help me.
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Last posted: Nov 25, 2007
