last updated :: 7/31/05 This and that at an hour much too early.. Baff Monster is... Love is... The idea is... "This itself is the whole of the journey, opening your heart to that which is lovely. Because of their feeling for the lovely, beings who are afraid of birth and death, aging and decaying, are freed from their fear. This is the way you must train yourself: I will become your friend and an intimate of the lovely. To do this I must closely observe and embrace all states of mind that are good."
-Samyutta Nikaya Zen is...
 Seduction and the Spring-Loaded SixNjan is...
...forever whining that he's not the only person on my friends list anymore. Despite the little icons I made him (sure they look crap, but that's the browser's fault, and they took me a while). Despite that *he* rarely messages me, talks to me in threads, journals, or otherwise acknowleges my online presense. Despite...you get the idea. Nevertheless, a devoted wife I be, so this section is devoted to discussion about Njan. How has Njan influenced you? What does the name Njan mean to you? Where in the hierarchy of Hindu gods would you place Njan? How can one reconcile ideologically the Njan, the bean, and the fish? If Njan were a bean, and he is, would you eat him in soup or refrito? What would you do if you had a Njan of your very own for an afternoon? All questions vital to the life and times of men and women of today. In an increasingly complex and uncertain world, it is good to take respite, to consider all things Njan, contemplate his being, his truth, his penchant for wearing camo, neglecting to shave, and eating all of the croissants.
Justification for waffling on my name is... Well,Maelia-Hina just never took off. Nyssa is my littler girl's name, as it was my handle when my first husband met me, he thought it was sweet, etc., etc. Problem is, she's getting to be a big girl, may someday have an online presence that she maintains herself, and then we shall have...handle conflict! So. Why Haylle? Well, Nyssa (the small girl) shouted 'Elly Ah!' a while back when I asked her to help me make up a domain name. Haylle is Elly-ah, backwards. Brill. Incidentally, by strangest of coincidences, Haylle was also one of first husband's MUD handles. It all just goes round and round, doesn't it? :)
Songs I listen to too much du jour.... Uh..Napoleon Dynamite, actually. Helps my mood. ****** The things i do when i've been up all night - The Penacide
Come, share our pleasures (and a drink). Details, details... *Finally went fishing*
Age: 27 (I just changed this number from 24, christ!) (5/24/78)
sex: female
marital status: Out of Circulation, concurrently with Njan :)
parental status: boy (11/24/98) and girl (9/28/99)
sexual preference: always end up with boys, but i wouldn't commit to 'straight'
economic status: I think officially I can no longer claim white trash status as my husband is a city professional..that said, when we pass those vacation trailers on the train, I feel a small pang of homesickness.
occupation: housewife (I find this surprising and unnerving as well)
political bent: green as humboldt gold
religious affiliation: not religious so much as a devout skeptic and lover of all things unitarian
location: Fife, Scotland, originating from Idaho, USA. Once a hick, always a hick ;)
anything else? ask. I find being asked questions the highest compliment (that said, if you don't like me and wish me to know it, don't ask  )
Where I'm likely to be found if not on Hootoo
Live Journal
Deviantart - self-exploitation through self-expression
Elly-Ah..my sorely neglected domain
I feel like i should put something wonderfully representative of myself here, or perhaps the perfect quote, the most poignant song lyric...*sigh* but the neurons are on holiday apparently. so here's my favorite joke!! *clears throat* Q. A little moron and a big moron were sitting on a fence. The big one fell off, whilst the other did not. Why???
A. Are you ready? Because he was a LITTLE MORE-ON!!!
*rolls on floor laughing* ..to be made more interesting at a time more inspired ****** EMAIL: ellyah.net(at)gmail(dot)com The many ways to CONTACT me, for live, free, confidential chat
ICQ# - 110745809
Yahoo - Nyssita (though it rarely works :P)
AOL - Ichthylia
MSN - Nyssabird
Loose Associations and Such ----BEGIN H2G2 CODE BLOCK----
Version: 1.1
RA Y-- N+++ SG+ A+++ P+ L-- M- *smirk* S+ V E- PR p- a++ B++ TV? r D+>++ T- nh+>+ C+>+ m+>+ t+
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Brought to you by that sexy thang Master B, and the H2G2 Code Cult of the Dentonites, though, *yawn*, I can't be bothered to get dressed and go look for the link. I have been coronated THE TENTACLE QUEEN at The Anime Shack I am now the Prospective Muse of Interdisciplinary Inquiry!! Visit the Musehome The Forum The uh, on and off again Peace and Justice Essay Forum In the hopes of making friends: Scottish Researchers Group In the hopes of having something to do: Upcoming Meets Hootoo's Lesbigay Community M2M2 Friends, Lovers, Crushes, Objects of My Worship... Well...as there's that new friend function at the bottom of my page, there's really no need for this. Hehe..I should leave the names in the drop-down list, but have them link to .. questionable, but humorous sites. Instead though, I'll make a stupid list of things I like! How original is that! :P
Credits ***Thank you E!! Many kisses and grateful embraces to Dr. St. Justin! The Good  s *grin* Sarge, for the entrancing bouncing smiley Potholer, for the muchly improved 42-ism*** Useful Links for the Lazy and Forgetful Smileys - My favorite being BIGEYES For those with inclinations toward helpfulness, Ask H2G2 For neophytes like me, Guide ML They will look odd in Mozilla, and when you compensate, they will look crap in IE. Nevertheless, the Cool-Ass Smiley Maker
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| Welcome to this Researcher's Journal. If you'd like to comment on anything they have written here, just click the relevant 'Discuss this Entry' button. my first trip to a scottish psychiatric ward
Oct 31, 2005
oh yes. i was an inpatient. about a week after my last post, my doctor referred me because i wasn't doing well enough just on medication. they wouldn't let me out until my mom flew out and they were assured i'd have a babysitter. since then i've been recovering ok i guess. i mostly feel disoriented and paranoid about the future. but at least i can function. i can finally post the computer now, apparently. stupid as it sounds, it scared me for a while.
anyway
My first trip to a scottish emergency room
Aug 15, 2005
That's a dire sounding subject, sorry. I don't know why, but this is hard to post.
So for the last couple months, stupid things have make me anxious, like riding on a plane, but now even more stupid things. Like last week I tried a new mouthwash and went I had it in my mouth was suddenly terrified that it was going to kill me and spat it out and rinsed furiously. The last few days I've had really frightening physical symptoms; feeling like I can't breathe, dizziness, racing heart, adrenaline rushing, etc. It was so bad last night that I finally just took a taxi to the A&E (accident and emergency, yes?) because, as stupid as it sounds, I was worried I might die.
So it wasn't very busy, and everyone was very nice. The doctor indulged m worries and took some physical tests so he could, for example, show me a print out that showed my blood oxygen at 100%. I was not, in fact, going to suffocate. He told me that most likely I was having another depressive episode and told me to see a GP in the morning for help.
So I tried to find a GP in Kirkcaldy. Everyone here is full, so I just said 'f*ck it' and went to my old surgery. Long story short, I just finally lost it and I've been put on antidepressants. I'm to see him again in a week, and to call if I get worse.
I'm both relieved and disappointed. I'm glad there's nothing about my body that's dying. I've had 2 major depressions and I made it through. The bad part is that it had been 4 years since the last one, and this one didn't seem to have any obvious cause. It must be a lot of little problems. I also don't remember feeling so terrified, but then when I try to recall the other ones, I had family to babysit me 24/7 and now if something goes wrong, I can only pray that it's when James is home.
Anyway, I need to stop writing because I'm feeling really anxious.
owieee owie stupid oww
Aug 12, 2005
Well..today didn't go as planned. I was scraubbing out the bathtub, thinking a nice bath might soothe nerves that were already frayed, when I bent in a wierd position. I felt a popping electrical pain in my lower back, and collapsed. I've been totally pathetic ever since. Fortunately, I was able, though very painfully, to crawl to the bathrrom door to unlock it and tell my son to get the phone. Even more fortunately, Njan was willing to come home. I managed to lie down, the kids brought me pillows and a book, and I laid there for a couple hours. At one point the need to use the bathroom was unbearable. Luckily, the tub and the toilet are really close together so I could use my arms to hoist myself up. My poor little girl had to help with my clothes though  Finally James got home and we managed to get me to bed by him sliding a dining room chair across the floor for me to bear my weight on with my arms. We must have been a sight..
I wasn't terrified, as the situation may have warranted, for two reasons. One, no part of my body was numb. So while I was unable to crawl or stand, I dont think there's any permanent nerve damage. Two, this happened a couple times 4 years ago. I'm starting to be suspicious of bathtubs --the time I remember I was taking Joseph out of the bath. I was lucky and didn't hurt him when I fell, but dragging him and myself to the living room on my tummy was no small feat. One of those times I would have seen a doctor, and he prescribed Vioxx..isn't that drug illegal now???
So. Now I've been in pain for like 7 hours. Neither tylenol nor advil help. I was hoping that sa advil is an anti-inflammatory that it would, but no luck. It doesn't help that my mobility is limited. I think I'll wait it out overnight. If I'm not improved by tomorrow, I dunno. I think I'd have to call an ambulance so I could be carried down the two flights of stairs. How embarrassing. 
In any case, once I'm better, I'm going to make good on my threat to join some sort of activity that will help with flexibility and posture. Since my back just freaked out, I'm not sure yoga would be good. Any suggestions would be most welcome. Perhaps I'll start with a light stretching routine at home and working on eliminating my bad posture habits. And definitely bending over properly when scrubbing the tub...
british water gave me the rot
Aug 11, 2005
Or something. Do you people not flouridate the water here? I took a good long look inside my mouth today, and discovered in the last year *something* has taken a huge toll on the health of my gums. I admit most likely it's stress, being on the pill, not taking care of myself, but jeez. *sigh* Two of my back teeth and gums look not-so-great. I'm curious why it's so localized though.. Hopefully, it's not progressed so much that a good scaling and course of antibiotics won't get things turned around. I hope. I do so hate going to the dentists. The American obsession with seeing those people is vastly overstated in my case. So now, if you would be so kind as to help me figure this out:
1. I understand that the NHS doesn't pay for adult dental care, right? Or is it that it's in the NHS system, but you pay fees.
2. If it's an NHS thing, what are the fees like? Is there a chance in hell of finding a dentist who is taking new clients?
3. So say private is the way to go. What are the fees like? Is there a chance in hell of finding a dentist who is taking new clients? * s morbidly*
Any advice on this matter would be greatly appreciated..I hate my funk-nasty mouth 
Lazy or Innovative..you decide.
Aug 10, 2005
There are no clean bowls this morning. Leave me alone, I didn't wanna finish the dishes last night. So, the kids come in and indicate the problem. I consider getting up, but instead tell them to go into the kitchen and find the silliest thing they can to put their cereal in. Joseph picked a ceramic dip bowl. Nyssa chose a plastic measuring/pouring thing with a long handle.
Oh, what. It's not like I told them to wash their own bowls.
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Last posted: Aug 5, 2005
