Only the infinity of the depths of a man's mind can fully tell the story.
-Edward D. Wood, Jr.'s Glen or Glenda?

Here's a cool tool to show arguments against excessive electrical consumption.

Fit the Nought: For a Good Time, Call...

Feeling left out? Party banter regarding LeKZ swirling about you and you haven't got a clue? Then come on over to (Link to FolKZ suppressed by TPTB because it was deemed "offensive".) (Who knew?) and be where the action is! Don't be a wallflower! Impress your date with your knowledge of both sides of the issue! Act now! It's never too late to know what's goin' on and goin' down!

(The preceding message was originally provided by a Friend of LeKZ, and evidently could have been construed as contravening the policies of both H2G2 and the BBC. Thank you.)

Fit the First: O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!

Huzzah! Huzzah! Sound the carpet and roll out the red trumpets!!

Ich bin das MUSE der Theaterlaunen und Polydactyly-herausgefordert¹, und der Wächter der Geschlechtungewißheit und -bleistifte, die zum Schreiben mit zu kurz sind².

(Thanks for the Babelfish, DNA...)

And, as in uffish thought he stood,
  The Jabberwock, with eyes of flame,
Came whiffling through the tulgey wood,
  And burbled as it came!
- Lewis Carroll, Jabberwocky

Fit the Second: I Am Borne

Hmmm. I'll need to think long and hard about this introduction business, since I'm normally pretty vague about who/what I am most of the time³. Except those times when I'm frighteningly clear about being vague.

Thank you for your patience.

(7x7)-7⁴

Fit the 2.5: Use that index finger for something useful! Amaze your friends! Grease the way to heaven! Click daily!

The Breast Cancer Site⁵

The Hunger Site⁶

Fit the Third: Information, Please

Ok, I think I've just figured out just enough of this GuideML⁷ stuff to just about quadruple the amount of time I spend here just talking to myself, just getting ready to talk to somebody else.

I'd say "Watch This Space!", but space is big. Really, really big. Enormous, even. And I don't want the responsibility of the lot⁸ of you getting a massive collective crick in your collective neck from watching this slowly evolving space thingie. A startingly fresh anomaly here or there, sure - that sort of beginner's luck is to be expected sometimes when the moon is full and it's not a Thursday. But continuous rapid-fire flashes of deathless wit dripping out constantly like a leaky faucet? Sorry, I can't anymore: I quit taking drugs⁹ before most of you were born.

So (once again) I will rely on my inherently smartass Gemini superiority to snatch my burning butt from the fires of your expectations before you can see what kind of underpants I've got on.

Therefore, I will only be so bold as to say: Watch This Speck in the Space-Time Continuum.

I would like to thank Shea the Sarcastic for posting the link¹⁰ that lets you analyze the XML code of anyone's Userpage. This has made it infinitely easier to hopelessly mangle my own attempts at building this page by copying bits of code from those whose page design I admire. (See Ormondroyd)

Go to (http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/testuserpageXXXXXX) and use the researcher's number [without the "U"] [Important!] instead of the X's. For example, this page o' mine can be found lining the birdcage or wrapping the fish at this link. A great boon to the HTML/XML beginner.

Thanks again.

Fiction, because it is not about somebody who actually lived in the real world, always has the possibility of being about oneself.
- Orson Scott Card

Fit the Fourth: Liking Life on My Own Account No Better, I Form a Great Resolution

Well now, if I'm gonna start attempting Guide Entries like I had good sense or something, somebody might accidently wander by and look at this mess - so maybe I oughta put some [euphemism for evacuated fecal matter] here. And-a one, and-a two:

Born: Yes Sex: Now? Today? Race: Hang on - still tying shoes Shave, wax or pluck: Where? Birth Sign: "Sorry for the Inconvenience" Keyword: Ooo, ain't you the clever one, then?

Joints what I got membership cards from when nobody was paying too close attention:

• United Scenic Artists, Local #829
• United States Institute for Theatre Technology (link under investigation)
• American Mensa
• The International Wizard of Oz Club

Places more fun and easier to play with than a short piece of knotted string theory :

• The Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest
• Hawaiian Slack Key Guitar
• Urusei Yatsura
• Rockrgrl Magazine
• Scott McCloud's Zot!
• Otaku World (link under investigation)
• Dr. Pepper1 [maudlin nostalgia freaks] or Dr. Pepper2 [frightening capitalist zealots]

Who I'd vote for if they ever ran for anything:

• National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws
• American Civil Liberties Union
• People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals
• The Names Project
• "Remembering Our Dead" (TG Hate Crime victims)
• The Tree House Animal Foundation

The information on where I stole the idea for, er, was inspired by to create "7rob7" is in there somewhere, as well as more transparent clues revealing what I do for a living. [Really enormous clue here.] Though if I was actually making a living at it I wouldn't have time to post anything. Despite your objections, I will admit that it takes me a while to work out this GuideML stuff to the point that I can attempt these things made of light on the monitor in front of you. Eg: Poof! and Shazam!!

And now, for something completely the same, I will for your entertainment rattle off a list of interests like a porn site so I show up in the H2G2 search engine a lot and really frustrate anyone who clicks here looking for actual information.

In no particular order other than the way they've fallen out of my brain: Alice; Kisekae Dolls (see Otaku World above); Anime; The American South and How It Got That Way; Bellbottoms That No Longer Fit; Guitars; Poetry and Other Marginalized Writing Stuff; Declining English; Films vs. Movies; Science Fiction; Dykes To Watch Out For; Bassoons; Patrick Woodroffe; Queer Theory; Euphuistic Punditry; Riddley Walker; Songwriting; Cirque du Soleil; Teaching; Cats, including Schrödinger's Cat; Home Design and Remodeling for Theatre Technicians; Hedwig and the Angry Inch; Commercially Unsuccessful Comix; Trina Robbins; Rubber Stamps; Peter S. Beagle; Drawing and Painting; Looking Dangerous Chilies Straight in the Eye and Laughing At Them, Ha-ha!; Wicca; Non-nasty Humor That Doesn't Suck Too Bad; Cutey Bunny; Oceans and Cetology; Luddites Online(???); How to Keep Smoking and Live a Long and Useful Life; Promoting Vegetarianism; Oz, Oz, Oz, and more Oz (and not that 'Down Under' one, either) (no offense); Lynda Barry; Walt Kelly; and Stopping Now Before My Fingers Start Bleeding and Making a Mess All Over the Computer.

And a few of the charms which soothe when my breasts are savage :

(Links for highlighted artists can be found on Ormondroyd's exhaustive Music Website Jukebox, which is precisely what this abbreviated list was in danger of becoming...)

And that's just the clean stuff I figure won't scare anyone off...

Do I contradict myself?
Very well then, I contradict myself.
(I am large, I contain multitudes).
- Walt Whitman, Song of Myself (51)

(You should be glad I don't feel like nattering on about my favorite films and film actors and film directors and film composers and air-popped popcorn and so on.)

Mostly, though, I'm interested in my wife. And I'm very, very not interested in scaring her off.

Dial-up=Death

Be back soon. See if you can tell.