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|  | WELCOME TO MY PAGE |  | U200000
Thank you for visiting my space.
I know I promised to give some apathy lessons, but I doubt that anyone would bother to come.
Top ten ways of knowing if an egg has gone bad:
10. You notice it selling drugs on the streetcorner. 9. It always seems to be leaning against Humpty Dumpty whenever he sits on walls. 8. It doesn't phone its mother. Heck, it doesn't even write. 7. It cheats the Easter Bunny every time the two play cards. 6. It refuses to come out of its shell when guests come to dinner. 5. It moons Faberge at every opportunity. 4. It refuses to go to any functions if the chicken will be there, because it wants to discourage speculation as to which came first. 3. It leads kitchen revolts on Egg Foo Yung Day. 2. It refuses to show up for the annual Easter Egg Roll. 1. It smells bad even if you cut off its nose
ODE TO A POTATO CHIP
Potato chip, thou noble slab of starch, With freckles brown bedotted 'round an arch, Granitic fat doth sparkle on thy rim, To thee I dedicate this little hymn.
Some Philistines with ketchup thee would drench, Or use thee for a spade to dig a trench In Onion dip or salsa. Tis a bane! For I prefer thee in thy state most plain.
Brass fanfare, followed by lush chords from the string section, and an insistent drumbeat. On the screen, stars are whizzing past at Warp 11>
Welcome to tonight's episode of "In Search of Lost minds." In our last episode, the valiant crew of the Czarship Roamin' Off rescued Princess Anesthesia from a red star. Ratsputum, the Czar's counselor, had suggested a tourniquet, which Czar Nickelass mistakenly interpreted as a tournament. So now the whole population of the spaceship was playing bridge.
CZAR Nickelass: Okay, I bid hearts....
Scene: Notre Dame Cathedral. It is the 13th century, or maybe the 15th century. Esmeralda has been quietly hiding a humpback whale in the belltower for years, but he is soon to be flushed from his hiding place. His name is Quasimoby. Someday he will be known as the Humpback of Notre Dam.
<Impressive music weaving together the themes "Dit dat dittum, dattum, wattum, choo!" and "Hi ho, hi ho, A Whaling we will go.">
We now resume our normally silly programming
Come on in.
Make yourself comfortable.
Have a drink. Ignore the strange creatures that scurry for the shadows as soon as you notice them out of the corner of your eye. They're probably just harmless carnivorous saber-toothed squirrels that haven't eaten in a month or so. Nothing we can't handle if we have major weapons at our disposal. Not that I have any. I hope you brought yours.
Down this hall to the left, we have a nice modern bathroom complete with shower. The cleaning staff has done a very good job of removing the last traces of blood from the shower stall. Even Mrs. Bates couldn't tell anybody had been murdered there. Wait, did I say murdered? Ha, ha, slip of the tongue. I meant to say christened. The two words are so much alike, it's easy to get them mixed up.
The dining room boasts an enormous chandelier. It's a replica of a chandelier that Marie Antoinette was very fond of before her head got cu... Oh, there I go again, ha, ha! I meant to say before she cut her little finger while cutting cake to give to the poor, starving masses. Anyway, the dining room is right over a major fault line, so in the event that there's an earthquake, you won't want to be under the chandelier. The guy who installed it was a pastry chef who had never done any building before. He was cheap, though, which was a good thing.
So, enjoy your stay at my page. If you need anything, just yell...
WELCOME TO THE POSTMODERNIST SMILEY ART GALLERY
I call this one "Meaningless Random Smiley Cluster"
This may not answer your questions about me, but....
Who is Paul H. and Why is he Harmly Mostless?
If you are visiting my space for the first time, welcome! You will probably never get to meet me in person. You might not even want to . I am 5'4" tall, with a bushy moustache and thick (some would say unruly)grey hair. We won't discuss my weight . I have a penchant for collecting things: birthdays (I've accumulated 53 of them so far), music recordings (mostly classical and musical theater), funny songs, dinnerware patterns, pumpkins, recipes, and clutter. My house is expected to sink into the swamp any minute now.
I work at the reference desk in a public library south of Boston, Massachusetts. This means that I have accumulated thousands of odd facts over the years, which I insert into many of the discussion threads that I participate in. It's lucky that the only kind of tomatoes anyone can throw at me are the virtual kind.
Come back often, as I make changes to my site fairly often.
HOW TO SPELL MY NAME WITH SMILEYS
= P
= A
= U
= L
= H
Honorary Patron Saint of Ragtime Vogon Poetry
Link to H2G2 Musehome: http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/A420661
Link to H2G2 statistics:
http://www.bbc.co.uk/h2g2/guide/info?
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Flowing Data
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Hi Paul, nice to see another librarian hootizen
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The paul (Pumpkin) H Fanclub!!!
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Paul H
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You don't look so old from here
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There was a man named Paul
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Journal Entries
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| Welcome to this Researcher's Journal. If you'd like to comment on anything they have written here, just click the relevant 'Discuss this Entry' button. When you are old and feeble, making tea counts as cooking (a dream) Yesterday
My subconscious mind has been slow to pick up on the fact that I'm not getting any younger. Often my dreams deal with past versions of myself and the other people who have been in my life.
However, last night was clearly about what to do about approaching old age. It was a compassionate dream. I travelled around quite bit visiting other elderly people and trying to see how we could all work together to help each other. Some were about to move (out of necessity, not choice), and I was trying to connect them with others who had extra space that they could move into.
Some were very old, and about all the cooking they could manage was making tea. This brought back to me what my mother has said often: some elderly people live on tea and toast. It's easy to fix, and easy to digest.
Chickens are very poor drivers (a dream) 2 Days Ago
Even when you put half a dozen live chickens in a car, they won't be able to pool their driving skills enough to safely operate the vehicle. At least they couldn't do it in my dream. Nevertheless, there were several teams of us who tried to teach our chickens to drive. It really was kind of scary to see the various chicken-driven cars wobbling back and forth down the road, with the cars eventually going off the road and either tipping over or hitting a tree or a wall.
Beethoven's Soup (a Dream) 4 Days Ago
I dreamed that I had found an old soup recipe that Beethoven had invented. Being a perfectionist, he must have tweaked it until it was a culinary masterpiece. So, I got a huge souppot to make it in, as the recipe called for a lot of different ingredients and fairly large amounts of each: Different kinds of meat, both rice and potatoes, plenty of root vegetables and beans, as well as a long list of herbs and spices. It also got put through a blender just before serving (not that Beethoven had blenders, but it *was* supposed to pureed by some method or other).
After a great amount of work and time, I finished cooking it, and invited plenty of friends in to taste it. It was pretty good, we all agreed.
Then I went out to do some errands, ending up at a shopping mall. Supper time rolled around, and I thought I would eat at a restaurant at the the mall. Wouldn't you know, the restaurant I walked into was serving the same recipe!
Sinister leaves, the Supreme Court, and Meryl Streep (a dream) Last Week
I dreamed that I was in a strange country where many of the people did not speak English. I was the fourth-ranked government official in some faroff outpost that was always getting buried in Autumn leaves. (Toward the end of the dream, we finally rose above our industrial backwardness by realizing that the surplus leaves could be burned to produce steam for our industrial revolution...)
Many of the people were not especially happy, though they realized we couldn't do much about their complaints. Still, I was more than happy to be the one that steered them toward using the leaves for industry. For this I was rewarded by appointment to the Supreme Court. At this point, I realized that we were a distant part of the United States. When I arrived in washington to take my seat on the Court, I found that Meryl Streep was the Chief Justice. She sat at the right end of the bench, while I sat second from the left. The one person who was to my left turned out to be a nutter who spoke gibberish in a high-pitched falsetto. No one threw him out, as Supreme Court justices serve for life. I found that budget constraints prevented the court from being able to provide comfortable chairs, so I was never able to sit high enough for more than my head to peep over the top of the bench. The room was filled with people, as this was the opening day of the court session, the proverbial first Monday in October.....
Watching the Cucumbers grow (a dream) 2 Weeks Ago
Last night I had quite a well-organized dream. I was visiting a college campus that was situated around the flanks of a hill. (My own college experience was in a dorm on a place called "Orchard Hill," so maybe this was a return as an alumni).
Anyway, I approached by helicopter. There was a prominent greenhouse covering the top of the hill, but when we got lower and landed in the main part of the campus, the buildings above us hid the greenhouse. We visited various buildings, which were done in the brick-facade neo-Colonial style that characterizes a lot of college buildings in New England. Finally, we neared the top of the hill and could see the greenhouses. The propiretor told us that this was the day of the year when we could see something amazing. This was Cucumber Day, the day when removing the glass canopy stimulated the cucumber seeds to sprout and do an entire season's worth of growing in just twelve hours or so. I watched them grow, and ended up with tiny cucumbers to bring home again.
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