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Imaginary conversation with George W. Bush
Jan 13, 2005

Me: So, George, how ya doin?

George: Never better. Just won my second election (ha-ha, Dad, who's laughing now?) and I'm on top of the world. I've gotten the go-ahead from the voters to push my conservative agenda - who could ask for a better vote of confidence than that? Now we're going to clean out the mess those liberals have made, and make this a country that fears God. People are going to raise better kids, have better marriages, and they're going to do it with lower taxes and less intereference from the government in their personal lives. And the Patriot Act will be looking over their shoulders the entire times, so nobody will dare screw up - Big Brother will be watching!

Me: Big Brother in this case being Jeb?

George: No, no... I mean Jesus. God's red right hand.

Me: That sounds a little crazy, George, don't you think?

George: Well, God told me to run for president, and God helped me to win. He thinks I'm the best thing that's ever happened to this country. He wants me to convert the entire world to Christianity.

Me: Isn't that a bit drastic? Considering that Christianity is only an offshoot of Judaism, just like Islam?

George: Only? Sure, there's other religions. But the Christian heaven is so much nicer than the Muslim or Jewish heaven. In Jewish heaven you get matzoh ball soup and have to sit on chintzy chairs, and in the Muslim religion they still haven't gotten over the left-hand thing. Over in Christian heaven you get to drive a gold-plated Buick to church every day, and dead chicken dinners at every meal. If you want. Or steak. None of that weird furren food. (Ed: We assume that he means foreign food.)

Me: So, moving on... The U.S. government has finally given up its search for weapons of mass destruction. They've found nothing. Are you willing to admit that you made a mistake in invading Iraq?

George: Mistake? Heck, no. Saddam was evil and he had to be punished. Now, some people might say that God does his own wet work. But that's what we're here on earth for - to punish the ungodly. It's America's mission to make the world a better place. So, Egypt, Iran, Pakistan, all you other non-Christian nations - watch out! We're coming to get rid of your centuries-old governments and install a shaky democracy that will fail as soon as the U.S. military presence is removed, which will be after I'm out of office.

Me: Whatever happened to the Christian principles of humility and turning the other cheek?

George: Are you one of those liberal tree-hugging Christians that actually reads the bible?

Me: No, sir, I'm an agnostic.

George: Well, then, you're definitely going to hell. Say hello to Saddam for me.

(7 replies, Latest reply: Mar 3, 2005)

Thirty-five is way too young for heart surgery!
Jun 18, 2004

For a month or so, my hubby's been complaining about chest pains. On Monday, he went to the hospital for a heart-cath procedure to determine whether there was a blockage in one of the arteries of his heart. It turns out that there was one - in the left anterior descending artery. The nurse came to the waiting room to tell me that they had found a blockage; twenty minutes later, the doctor was giving me the good news. They inserted a stent, and now he's feeling fine. After the first day we were home from the hospital, he was a lot more alert and energetic than I expected from a heart patient. He was tired, but that wasn't surprising.

I asked the doctor for pictures of the procedure. I expected to get several printed photographs, but what I got was a CD with digital movies of the procedure. Somehow, seeing what they had done made me feel better about it.

We're both extremely freaked about it being his heart. I know he's feeling a little depressed, and I'll do all I can to keep him cheerful and active. Now I'm anxious all the time... I know that continually checking to make sure he's still breathing is a little neurotic, so I'm trying to avoid that. I'm also trying to avoid the constant nagging, because it won't help him, and he certainly doesn't need the stress. He knows what to do, anyway - I'm not going to police his every move.

(17 replies, Latest reply: Oct 1, 2004)

Quotes from the Saddam/Bush Forum
Jan 27, 2004

"Ever notice all the times GW was come out and said that he is fighting the war on terror because his god told him to? That he believes that god himself has led him to the office of president so he could fight this war. Makes you wonder what he thinks in private if these are things he is saying publicly.
This war is not about oil, it is about simple insanity. "

- Sargeant Flipper

"Personally, I think Shrub just wanted to be a Knight of Malta, or a Hospitaller, or (even better, since he likes things secretive) a Templar. Of course, living 800 years after the Crusades, he couldn't, so he created his own. Oh, wait, that would mean he would actually have to know something about the Crusades. Never mind."

- Montana Redhead

" In invading iraq George W. Bush REALLY wanted to:
1) Get "the man who tried to kill my daddy"
2) Provide an object lesson to any other nation that challenged the will of the United States
3) turf out Saddam and install a puppet government friendly to Haliburton, Bechtel and other U.S. corporations
4) Expand the turf of American Empire
5) Suck up to his pals at the Center for a New American Century"

- Rev. Paperboy (I think)

(3 replies, Latest reply: Jan 28, 2004)

It's my ferschlugger birthday...
Jan 7, 2004

Today I reach the ripe old age of thirty-three. It's when a hobbit comes of age, so I'm now officially an adult by hobbit standards.

(3 replies, Latest reply: Jan 10, 2004)

Bad Dreams
Oct 22, 2003

I've been having some really peculiar dreams lately.

Night before last, I had a dream that my lungs were infested with bugs. I coughed and spat bits of lung and squirmy bugs into the sink - that's when I woke up. Last night, I had a continuation of the dream from the night before (which never happens.) I dreamt that I was holding somebody hostage (threatening to infect them with my nasty lung bugs,) and a person in a biohazard suit came after me. They grabbed my arm, and I exploded in a cloud of bugs. I don't usually have dreams this awful or creepy... I don't know whether I'm reading the wrong books, or watching the wrong television shows - or maybe just not doing the right drugs...

(3 replies, Latest reply: Oct 30, 2003)