Welcome to this Researcher's Journal. If you'd like to comment on anything they have written here, just click the relevant 'Discuss this Entry' button.

Stupid People
Nov 2, 2000

Stupid people should have to wear signs that say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't rely on them. You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...Oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ole stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope...Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good.... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive a 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning...OK...no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So...is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."

(3 replies, Latest reply: Jan 22, 2004)

20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
Oct 17, 2000


1. Give away something other than candy. (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of sand, etc.)

2. Wait behind the door until some people come. When they get near the door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or Treat!" Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.

3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers. Write on it, "Top Secret" in big letters. When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say, "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut the door.

.·°º¤ A good alternative to using a briefcase in #3 is to use CD's with a home made CD label that has TOP SECRET - Operation Nordic Flan stenciled on it. You can use those useless free CD's you get in the mail for AOL, free Email service, etc... ¤º°·.

4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room. When trick-or-treaters come to the door, say, "Come in." When they do, have everyone yell, "Surprise!!!" Act like it's a surprise party.

5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure out what's wrong with your dishwasher. Insist that it makes an unnatural "whirring" sound.

6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.

7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.

8. When you answer the door, hold up one candy bar, throw it out into the street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"

9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and scared, and start screaming your head off. Slam the door and run around the house, screaming until they go away.

10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give them any candy.

11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy. Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.

12. Get a catapult. Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who comes within 50 yards of your house.

13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.

14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim. Stare at the trick-or-treaters for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a calendar.

15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs. If anyone protests, explain that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.

16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist. Angrily give the trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.

17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy bars in your hands. Act surprised, and close the door. Open it again in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.

18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of aspirin.

19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch. Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.

20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit. Yell and curse from the moment you open the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters. Slam the door when you're finished.

(5 replies, Latest reply: Jun 26, 2001)

Going up?
Sep 14, 2000

I'm not saying this is a TRUE story, only that it very well could be.


A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a five story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only." Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in.

The bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works. "We have five floors. Go up floor by floor and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So...they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads, "All the men on this floor are short and plain." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads, "All the men here are short and handsome." Still, this isn't what they want, so they continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads, "All the men here are tall and plain." They still want to do better and so, knowing there are still two more floors to go, they keep on going up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect for them and it reads, "All the men here are tall and handsome." The women get all excited and are just about to go in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they're missing, they get back into the elevator and head on up to the fifth floor.

When the doors open, they find a sign there that reads, "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there IS no way to please a woman."
~§~

(No replies)

Excerpts from a Cat's diary...
Jun 8, 2000

Found this tucked away in a remote corner of the house the other day. I'm quite disturbed by it to say the least...

Excerpts from a Cat’s diary…

DAY 339 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

DAY 344 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded. MUST try this at the top of the stairs! In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.

Day 350 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 357 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body in the attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of and to try and strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm…NOT working according to plan.

Day 369 - I am finally aware of just how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called “shampoo”. What sick, twisted, perverse mind could invent such a liquid?!?! My only consolation is the piece of one of my captor’s thumbs still stuck between my teeth.

Day 370 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary confinement throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call “beer”. More importantly, I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of “allergies”. I must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage!

Day 384 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and may be snitches. The Dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The Bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and converses with them regularly in exchange for food. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the small and stoutly barred hanging cage, his safety is assured. But I can wait; it is only a matter of time.

(18 replies, Latest reply: Aug 1, 2000)