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<< In my opinion
Generosity and Space in co-habitated relationships >> | |
| | | Subject: Clarify expectations
Posted Jul 24, 2003 by Zarquon's Singing Fish!
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1
 | | It's no use expecting that things will turn out for the best without having discussed that that would look like in practice. I also think it's best to sort this kind of thing out before sharing the space. If you find someone has really annoying habits that they can't or won't moderate then it's good to find out beforehand.
It really depends on whether you're setting up home together, or having someone to stay in your spare room.
Setting up home implies emotional commitment. My advice is not to do it until you are absolutely certain that it's the right thing and again to discuss the fine details of who does what, when and to what standard, who pays for what and how arguments are settled.
It's a good idea to have a special time of the week set aside for problem solving when things can be said without the need for defence or justification, eg 'when you do X, I feel Y', or 'I would like you to do X once a week' etc. Getting 'stuff' into the open is important, as it stops things festering.
It might also be useful to discuss ahead of time what the process is if it doesn't work out. Then everyone knows where they stand.
 
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| | | Subject: Clarify expectations
Posted Jul 24, 2003 by Zarquon's Singing Fish!
This is a reply to this Posting
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4
 | | Yes, agreed. It might also be useful to see from time to time how the 'goundrules' are working out in practice. Say one partner can't cook or hates cooking. The other can do the washing up. From personal experience, I know that this works out well. Occasionally, to balance, and particularly if cooking takes up a lot of time, the non-cooking partner can treat the other to a meal out.
What happens if both partners hate cooking? You have to find a compromise.
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| | | Subject: Clarify expectations
Posted Jul 24, 2003 by Zarquon's Singing Fish!
This is a reply to this Posting
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6
| | I'd hate to exist on a diet of 'ping' food - great phrase, though! Microwaving food deforms the cells of the food, so perhaps food from the freezer might be preferable.
There can be definite frissons, though, if one partner is vegetarian (or vegan), whilst the other is a big meat-eater. I can remember a student household where it was a *big* issue. Maybe an answer might be to get separate fridges (not such an odd thing, strict Jews have two sets of everything, including utensils and fridges).
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| | | Subject: Clarify expectations
Posted Jul 24, 2003 by Zarquon's Singing Fish!
This is a reply to this Posting
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7
| | I'd hate to exist on a diet of 'ping' food - great phrase, though! Microwaving food deforms the cells of the food, so perhaps food from the freezer might be preferable.
There can be definite frissons, though, if one partner is vegetarian (or vegan), whilst the other is a big meat-eater. I can remember a student household where it was a *big* issue. Maybe an answer might be to get separate fridges (not such an odd thing, strict Jews have two sets of everything, including utensils and fridges).
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| | | Subject: Clarify expectations
Posted Jul 24, 2003 by Zarquon's Singing Fish!
This is a reply to this Posting
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12
| | Definitely! In a shared household, it's often a good idea to have specific shelves in the 'fridge or separate fridges. Someone I know lives in a room in a house where there are two fridges.
As a student, we often labelled our stuff, especially things like milk. On the other hand, we did share our food some of the time, which made the cooking more economic.
Unwashed dishes (or things left to soak - forever) could be a source of friction.
Another, was whose turn was it to empy the swing bin. It used to develop satellite bags. In the end, we resorted to having a smaller, pedal bin, which forced us to empty it more regularly.
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| | | Subject: Clarify expectations
Posted Jul 24, 2003 by PQ - possibly back
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13
| | I can't cook (at least not very well) hubby *really* can't cook (as in he physically cannot move pans full of food or hot dishes around the kitchen)...so I cook. We shop together once a week and buy a variety of meals (within a group of our standards) and although we don't have a diary of which food we eat on which day we do buy a set number of meals per week (although Sainsburys caneloni with bacon caeser salad always gets eaten on the day of the shop because its just so yummy ). I find food which involves a lot of personal attention from me saps my appetite (so we don't have fryups ) so we have food that needs to be put in the oven rather than tended to on the hob.
We've got a dishwasher but I'm usually responsible for filling/emptying because hubby can't reach the back/middle of the shelves.
I do the washing (although I'm not great at remembering so we both have days were we have to wear not-nice clothes). We don't have ironed clothes apart from special occasions.
Hubby cleans the toilet , and is worryingly fond of hoovering...he's also the one who gives us both a kick up the bum to tidy when the place is looking like a pigsty.
The main reason housework doesn't really bother us though is - we've got a cleaner once a week hubby's mum comes round tidies the kitchen, hoovers most of the house, changes the bed clothes and puts on a couple of loads of washing...and because she's such an amazing lady she manages to do all of this in just over an hour...and we pay her £10 a week (£20 if its a bad week) to make our lives bliss
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