Just one of the many diverse forms of modern popular music, nu metal is the music of the moment.

The bastardised offspring from an unholy alliance between hip hop and old style heavy metal, nu metal is somewhat tragically globally very popular. Greedy record industry executives on the lookout for fat wads of dirty cash are, therefore, keen to sign up as many of these bands as they possibly can, to tap into the numetal phenomenon before it is extinguished in the righteous fury of people with taste everywhere. Previously, these executives spent a lot of time and effort in the creation of these bands, but there is now a handy formula which can be used time and again, repeated below¹

Although they do not write the music and, in many cases, play it, the band is nevertheless the most important element of the succesful nu metal cashcow². Ideally, there should be six band members³. Who else would there be to puke indiscriminately at each other and make amusing masturbatory gestures⁴? Remember, musical aptitude is not essential. The ability to gurn for hours at a stretch apppears to be the prime requisite here.

The MCs
As 'singer' is too optimistic a word, 'MC' or 'Microphone Controller' is used, although it, too, is something of an exaggeration. Curiously, there are usually two. One suspects that this is because one man cannot remember all the words, but maybe I'm being cynical and it just represents musical diversity⁵. One of these MCs will have badly died hair, a neatly trimed goatee and an attitude problem. The other will have a backwards baseball cap, be incapable of facial hair⁶ and have an attitude problem. All they need do is caper around inanely on stage and occasionally indulge in some precision bouncing. They will, in all likelihood, have forgotten their real names and will have strung together a random collection of letters and punctuation instead.

The Guitarist
Being a guitarist is quite simple really. One only need thrash out the same chord endlessly and the song will be over. No one will notice any difference. An inability to operate those metal string things won't make for any real problem. The guitar can simply be repeatedly bash against the forehead. With this in mind, it seems, guitarists are selected. As most nu metal guitarists have been unfairly removed from their natural jungle habitats, their on stage antics will look most like an attempt at emulating their human cousins.

The Bassist
No one ever remembers the bassist, but they still have a look: tall fat and gormless. A moustacheless goatee is a must. Nobody knows why. Either to conceal a slack jaw or because they don't know how to shave.

The Drummer
If no one remembers the bassist, then the drummer has no chance. Anyway, typically he's obesely fat, latino and called Chino. And will have a good line in amusing places to place his drumstick.

The DJ
The DJ serves no discernable purpose other than to increase the onstage facial fungus quotient. Being inbred, he will think that a name like 'DJ Lethal' will make him sound hard, and not, for example, like his parents are siblings.

Look, you'll just have to excuse me with this bit. This is all very traumatic and my descriptive faculties are limited because swearing is banned. The true enormity of direness cannot be transmitted without it.

So you have your headline gig. There is a crowd of screaming eleven year olds in Nirvana hoodies⁷ jumping up and down in barely repressed prepubescence, giggling in expectation. The parents are standing at the back nervously waiting for their little darlings to return to the loving bosom of Phil Collins. What this show really needs in order to get going is some really witty repartee. Well, overuse of the word f**k is just as good really. This is just as well, because frankly I don't think they're capable of a disertation on the merits of Chaucer.

It's getting a bit boring are you saying? All the hand gestures have been done? All the hits are over and it's just thrashy fillers? This seems like a perfect opportunity for your drummer to insert a stick into a randomly chosen orafice. The kids will love it, if they can understand the sophistication of the humour.

With your box-fresh by the numbers new nu metal band, you will be the envy of your friends and the toast of your street. Beautiful people from your gender of choice will throw themselves at your feet. Smiling babies will fairly leap out of their prams in the hope of being kissed. Choirs of angels will sing you to your sleep. And Satan WILL have your soul. You have been warned.

DJ Daddypants

18.10.01. Front Page

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