Thursday 31 July, 2003
Jul 30, 2003
This last couple of months has been interesting.
Feelings of betrayal have been shared, discussed and eased. Books have been ordered (some have even arrived!) and read - even the odd CD has been purchased. A new job has been properly investigated and even, partly, enjoyed. Tai Chi has nearly been learned. Diabetes is becoming ever less of an issue. Fire damage has been allowed some time to grow out.
Now there is the best thing of all. One of my best friends, ever, is coming to see me - from Denmark. I have even grown up enough not to expect that something will go wrong with this plan, but I am looking forward so much to this that it is hard to believe it might happen.
Some things never do come right, though. I am still woefully tired, and never informed enough that I can be sure of anything - which I suppose is the way things ought to be. It's still wearing, though!
Three months until a holiday...
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Monday 26 May, 2003 (edited)
May 26, 2003
Gee, I make my first journal entry in a year and then follow up with another one within two months! This must be some sort of record for inconsistency...
I've experienced much over the last couple of years. I have known loneliness, confusion, embarrassment, frustration, fury and not a little pride, all of which I know to be wrong. There is currently some comfort in loneliness, although no consolation - and little in the way of other diversions. I think about myself far too much, I think.
I am very sorry to the people I have betrayed. There are far too many of those, and the only excuse I can plead is that I wasn't thinking about what I was doing when betrayal occurred - but then, the same thing could be said about a lot of tragedies, and nobody benefits at all except the lawyers.
I am also sorry to the people I have mis-maligned. There are also far too many of those - my misapprehensions are likely to kill me one day, but in the meantime they just seem to cause people stress and inconvenience.
On the flip side, I've read some great books (the nice thing about being by yourself is that you can make time to read!), and my own writing has been coming along. I've been consistently employed for the first time in several years: the sacrifices I am having to make to be so are not nearly as serious as my pride would make them. I've learned a little more about the internet, as well as about the nature of truth - a subject which I vaguely remember concerned me a lot when I first got here.
Not as many nice people are turning up as used to do - but that'll probably turn around. I've also discovered that a few of the old reliables are still here, too... It's always nice to know that it's not as bad as you sometimes think it is.
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Wednesday 19 March, 2003
Mar 19, 2003
Well, I seem to be down to about one journal entry a year, now. Can't say I'm missing it that much, but life does move on, y'know? I do still keep poking around in the hope that eventually I'll run into someone as curious as me. I still keep running into some curious people, too...
I've still been doing a lot of forum shaking, although I've been trying to do it more subtly than previously, of late. While I've been doing it the range of people who I used to know here seem to have moved on, which I find a tremendous pity. Asteroid Lil was around not too long ago, but she seems to be the last...
Fitness, diabetes and the Tao seem to have become my main web concerns - anyone who wants to talk about one of these should feel free to look me up! I'll have a drink in everybody's memory - or at least, everybody who I still remember.
Love,
H.
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Sunday 8 September, 2002
Sep 7, 2002
I awoke to the weirdest dream I can remember: I was trying to give my son an injection, and he wasn't happy about it. He kept trying to run away, berating me loudly while he did so. I can remember doing similar things to my Dad when he tried to inject me, and this feeling also permeated the dream. "Why are you doing this, Dad? Why did you have me?"
I remember answering both questions, over and over, and feeling guilty as hell and crying - and then I woke up, sweat dripping from my body, and my bed sodden. I did a blood test, and found that I was low (and still am as I write now).
I really, really hope that my parents don't still have dreams like this.
We had a party last night, which was a lot of fun. Having staggered home, somewhat tipsy, and collapsed, giggling, I woke up once during the night, sleeping in my clothes on the spare bed. I remembered then that I hadn't done my last injection for the day, and had an injection. I was thirsty (a typical sign of high BSL), so I had a big drink of water, too. Then I undressed and went to my real bed. Strange way to end a night, most people would think - unless you also were single and still living alone!...
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Thursday 4 July, 2002
Jul 4, 2002
The Velvets are on the stereo, the weather's appropriate for the middle of Winter, the house is clean, work starts in two hours or so, and everything feels good. There's still far too much to do in the time available, but that's just life, I guess.
I have recently come up against the 'squeaky wheel' theory. The people who subscribe to this theory are interesting, in that - faced with squeaky wheels of their own - they often forget where the grease is, and many are sufficiently technically incompetent that they are unaware of which grease is most effective for the particular problem. Many are unaware that, as with most problems which present themselves in this way, it's far quicker and considerably more effective to fix it yourself. Many also fail to consider that, sometimes, the grease just isn't there to be used, but the wheel will keep on turning anyway. It annoys me that so many people are determined to be 'squeaky wheels', rather than take up positions as maintenance people.
Harry Potter and the Tao are on my mind...
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