Lizard Birth - had to share <rofl>
Sep 18, 2009
Someone sent me this today ....
I am going to post it in the Tell A Joke thread but I love it so much that I had to post it to my journal too, so I can
a) share it with my friends and
b) find it quickly to re-read when I need a good laugh
Enjoy
If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, this story will have you laughing out loud!
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. “He's just lying there looking sick” he told me. “I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?”
I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed.
I immediately knew what to do.
”Honey” I called, “come look at the lizard!”
”Oh, my gosh!” my wife exclaimed. “She's having babies.”
“What?” my son demanded. “But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!”
I was equally outraged. “Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,” I said accusingly to my wife.
“Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?” she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)
”No, but you were supposed to get two boys!” I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).
”Yeah, Bert and Ernie!” my son agreed.
”Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,” she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm!)
By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. “Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience” I announced. “We're about to witness the miracle of birth.”
”Oh, gross!” they shrieked
”Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?” my wife wanted to know.
We peered at the patient ... After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.
“We don't appear to be making much progress,” I noted.
”It's breech,” my wife whispered, horrified.
”Do something, Dad!’ my son urged.
”Okay, okay.”
Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.
”Should I call 911?” my eldest daughter wanted to know. “Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.” (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)
“Let's get Ernie to the vet,” I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.
”Breathe, Ernie, breathe,” he urged.
”I don't think lizards do Lamaze,” his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for goodness sake).
The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.
“What do you think, Doc, a C-section?” I suggested scientifically.
”Oh, very interesting,” he murmured. “Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?”
I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.
“Is Ernie going to be okay?” my wife asked.
“Oh, perfectly,” the vet assured us. “This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um ...um, masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.” He blushed, glancing at my wife.
We were silent, absorbing this.
”So, Ernie's just, just...excited,” my wife offered.
”Exactly,” the vet replied, relieved that we understood.
More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle, and giggle and then even laugh loudly.
”What's so funny?” I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.
Tears were now running down her face. ”It's just that ...I'm picturing you pulling on its...its...teeny little... “
She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.
“That's enough,” I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.
“I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,” he told me.
“Oh, you have NO idea,” my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.
Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class. Lizards lay eggs.
 Discuss this entry
- 18 replies
- Latest reply: Sep 21, 2009
Christmas 2008 - do it if you must ....
Dec 23, 2008
but just leave me out of it!!
Merry Christmas (or whatever ...) to all my Hootoo friends - I do appreciate you, I really do 
 
As usual, here's my bit of Christmas doggerel for this year ...
I think it expresses how I feel - 
Sorry folks, but I'm on strike
But you can party all you like
Not for me excess and stuff
Once again, I’ve had enough
The year’s been tough but we made it through
And again I send my love to you
I'll think of you on Christmas Day
While I relax in my own way
No fuss, no gifts, no Christmas tree,
No stress, no guilt, no spending spree.
Just good thoughts of peace and love
‘Cause when it comes to push and shove
You see dear friends it’s all too hard
So all you’ll get’s this Christmas card.
Discuss this entry
- 23 replies
- Latest reply: Feb 9, 2009
Excess-mess 2007
Dec 25, 2007
25/12/07
I wasn't going to do this this year but .... for those who like doggerel, here goes ...
Merry Christmas to all you hootooers
This time of year, it drives us all mad
It’s my theory, dear friends that we’ve all been had.
We rush and fuss, we blunder and cuss,
When really, you know, it’s all up to us!
This year I resolve – it’s time to go slow
So take a deep breath and let it all go.
No rushing, no fighting, no fuss and no stress
No financial hassles, no Christmas excess
Enjoy all the good stuff – the love and goodwill
You’ll feel so much better – you know that you will!
And so, dear friends, it’s our wish for you,
Relax and enjoy it and see it all through
Merry Christmas to all from me and from Mother
Best wishes to all – be kind to each other.
Discuss this entry
- 27 replies
- Latest reply: Dec 17, 2008
X-cessmas 2006
Dec 23, 2006
Sorry folks - not playing the X-cessmas game this year.
But I am posting my annual bit of doggerel for posterity.
I do, however, wish all my wonderful friends out there all the very best and may 2007 bring you all that you want but only half of what you deserve 
 
Just a quick note this year to say
We’re all still here and we’re okay
We’ve climbed each hill and scaled each mount
One day at a time– too many to count
But this year we’ll forgo excess
We’re caring more and consuming less,
No tree, no gifts, no stress for us,
Just those we love – no debt, no fuss.
And so we send our love to you
Relax, enjoy – you’ll make it through.
Don’t worry if it’s all too hard,
At least you got this Christmas card!
Happy X-cessmas to you all!
Have a great 2007!
Discuss this entry
- 33 replies
- Latest reply: Feb 16, 2007
Christmas Day 2005
Dec 25, 2005
I just posted this somewhere else in response to lil's query about how the day went - and all in all, it sums it all up so well that I decided to post it here so that I can look back on it later 
I consider it a great achievement - no relatives were harmed in the making of this Christmas 
One could (almost) say that I (almost) behaved myself impeccably (almost)
38degrees C - champagne, vodka, someone's uncle's homemade elderberry wine (made on a base of methylated spirits I think)- prawns, turkey, duck, ham, salads etc etc etc - <BURP> about 8 kids aged from 8 months to 6 years (didn't eat any of those - despite the temptation), lots of relatives (some I hadn't met before - they handled me quite well (almost)- considering)
And I'm home safe and sound (almost)
Yep - it was that good
Thank goodness the next one's 365 days away 
NOTE: We had 4 generations from 2 families and it all went surpisingly well really .....
Discuss this entry
- 5 replies
- Latest reply: Dec 26, 2005
Show more of My Journal Entries
|
Home
Please feel free to look around .......
Leave a Message