Happy Sad
Nov 3, 2008
So I have been out of touch for a long time and now I am slipping back into life. I would like to say that I am doing so slowly and carefully, but as it turns out, there is no slow way. Careful I may try to be, though.
I had been on sick leave for suffering from depressions, and now I am back at work. I am a teacher in training - "Referendar" - and have returned to school. One of my first tasks there was to find me learner groups that I would be teaching. As a teacher in training, I actually should have my own classes as well as classes where I accompany the regular teacher. With respect to my being out of touch - and to my vulnerability to stress due to these depressions, however, I do not now have my own classes. But I was very lucky in finding nice classes and nice pupils and nice teachers.
So tomorrow, November 4th, I will resume my teaching activities. Which ought to be exciting, but right now the thought of it fills me with dread. Not least because my "Ausbilder" (training supervisor?) will be there as well, ready to judge on everything I do.
Well, and instead of finalizing my preparations for tomorrow, I am here, writing this down. A case for "go figure"? I would rather think, a case of "I don't want to bother you with all this crap, but I am going to, anyway, because I am, firstly, happy to write it down so that it is no longer only in my head. Secondly, I hope that I will be able to think more clearly once all this is written down - and thus, as it were, written out of my head. And thirdly, of course, I am writing this because I am hoping to get virtual hugs."
Now... If I were to analyze my emotions now, what would I get? I am angry about having wasted so much time all weekend not getting all prepared. I am scared that this is a deja vu sort of thing - did not this wasting time business get me deeper into my depressions, in the first place? In other words, am I still on those destructive patterns? I am furthermore confused about this fear: if I am aware of these patterns, could that not also mean that I *have* made progress? On top of that, I am positive that going back to school was the right decision.
And as I am thinking all this, in comes the Lady of the Mice with a glass of mulled mead she made for me, and this makes me almost want to cry. To be so absorbed in thinking about myself, while she extends a kind of unexpected tenderness towards me - I feel loved.
Y.
 Discuss this entry
- 3 replies
- Latest reply: Nov 5, 2008
Coming Out - Sorta
Jul 24, 2008
This feels like a sort of coming-out for me. Not in THAT sense. For any who might be worried: this is not about sexuality 
No, there is something completely else that has dominated my life in the last year or so, and only this spring did it actually surface. All this... this sense of going nowhere, of being stupid, of having no future but a future that is threatening. All this not being able to concentrate, not being able to do my work, of not being able to enjoy. To enjoy anything.
But even as I am writing this I realize that I am trying to formulate nice sentences, to be "artistic" - to be a writer of sorts, and it distracts me from what I meant to write. So here it is:
I suffer from depressions.
There, was easy as pie (3.14 or something).
In spring this year, I was hospitalized for about a month in a clinic for all sorts of psychological illnesses, with the official diagnosis of an acute episode of depression. The weeks leading up to this had been marked by a decline in almost everything. The climax, I felt, was when I was driving up to the place where I work(ed?), and not being able to go inside, but sitting in the car for what seemed like hours and then going to the Argentur für Arbeit (state employment agency), just to look at jobs that I could - or could not ever - get. And then pretending that, still, everything was fine, that this is normal. Not telling anyone. Thinking noone would notice.
Boy, it is not normal.
I was immediately ordered to come to my boss's office, and there I broke down. Almost literally. I was ready to just quit everything right there (not quit my life, but all that has to do with my employment). Looking back now, I actually have to be thankful to my boss that she told me right there to go to a doctor and get myself a sick certificate, rather than firing me on the spot.
Telling my wife about how bad it had become for me, and thus admitting how much I had been hiding from her, was even worse than facing my boss. I did a lot of crying at that time.
My doctor advised me to go to a hospital (i.e. a mental clinic), and I did. Went on medication, too.
Well, that was in May, this year. Now I am back home, feeling better, but still deeply insecure about my future. In my therapy sessions I am seeing how much there is in my life that I feel insecure about, things I want to change, things from my past that I now see led me to where I am at right now. The whole shebang of family, growing up, friendships (and the lack thereof), of feeling out of place, of trying to be what I thought others wanted me to be rather than ever thinking about what I really want to be.
So tonight I will go to a support-group meeting for the first time. My stay at the hospital taught me the value of seeing that I am not the only one who feels the way I do.
Well, anyway, now it is out in the open, and it feels good to publicly (kinda) come out this way.
Y.
Discuss this entry
- 1 reply
- Latest reply: Jul 24, 2008
My H2G2 Birthday
Jun 2, 2008
Sho's was about a week ago, and she missed it. Mine is today, and I am not going to miss it. So here is to hootoo, to all hootooers and to me 
I have not been very active lately, but that is not so much due to anything going on in the world of h2g2, but rather with what is going on in my life, not all of it is all bad.
Happy Birthday, Yelbakk
Y.
Discuss this entry
- 1 reply
- Latest reply: Jun 2, 2008
Uncle Yelbakk
Mar 17, 2007
I have been an uncle by marriage for almost a year. As of yesterday, March 16th 2007, I am an uncle by birth, as it were.
My sister gave birth to a healthy girl, who impressed her dad by sucking on his hand for almost 15 minutes shortly after seeing the light of the maternity room.
Good luck in life, little girl, and welcome to this world
Y.
Discuss this entry
- 5 replies
- Latest reply: Mar 24, 2007
Phrase of the day
Jul 9, 2006
Oh, I love the net... Just for this phrase that I just found on some random site (and yes, I love Firefox's Stumble plugin, too): "You are the biggest disappointment since the crucifiction."
Y.
Discuss this entry
- 1 reply
- Latest reply: Jul 11, 2006
Show more of My Journal Entries
|
Home
Yelbakk, in and out of it
Leave a Message