Faking an English accent has always been an American pastime, whether Americans are trying to sound fancy or just making fun of a culture that's foreign and different. But how can this be achieved over a medium without voices? Well, it's simple if you follow these fun and easy rules!

1. Be an American

This is a necessity. No matter how hard English people try, they cannot fake an English accent, just like Americans cannot fake an American one.

2. Do not change your spelling habits

It is impossible to say how many promising English accents were ruined by overly impetuous chatters who decide to spell out words how the English pronounce them. That is pure stupidity! Americans do not spell cabinet 'cabnit'. Think about it.

3. Learn the words that the English spell differently

Or, if you are lazy, follow this rule of thumb. If a word is more than five letters long and contains the letter 'o' place a 'u' directly after the 'o¹'. Also, substitute 're' for 'er²'.

4. Know the common words that the English substitute for real words

• 'Trousers' are substituted for 'pants'
• 'pants' for 'underwear'
• 'lift' for 'elevator'
• 'pub' for 'bar'
• 'football' for 'soccer'
• 'flat' for 'apartment'
• 'full stop' for 'period'

5. Use the word 'w**k' and 'w****r' as expletives

Real English people (apparently) never do, but it sounds good.

6. Do not back down

The person confronting you could be faking an accent as well. Tell them to 'bloody sod off' - that works quite well.

7. If all else fails, pretend you are drunk

They will not find this odd.

8. Use cockney

You will never see someone who speaks cockney online so you can feel safe to use it freely. To type in cockney, simply misspell a great deal of words and speak gibberish³. If you do find a speaker of cockney, refer to rule seven.

9. Watch Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels and Snatch

Repeat until you understand what all the characters are saying⁴.

10. Say 'really' and 'you know?'

This is not stereotypical, but is actually used quite commonly. Do not say 'ya know?' This is an English accent, not a Canadian one.

11. Address the audience in your greetings

Call them 'mate', even if you do not wish to mate with them, 'luv', even if you do not love them, or 'guv'nor'⁵, even if they are not an elected official.

12. Find a good English-sounding screen name

If you cannot think of one, use a fairly unknown English actor, or, better yet, a character they play.

13. Last but not least, do not say Cheerio!

This a major faux pas, so avoid it at all cost. No real Englishman has ever said 'cheerio' this century. And those not in this century rarely use chatrooms. You will get caught. So avoid this, no matter how tempting.

Well, that's about everything. Follow these rules and you should have every 'Yank' believing you are as English as 'tea and crumpets'.

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¹ For example; 'favourite' and 'colour'.
² 'Theatre' and 'centre'.
³ 'The wire caugh' me wit' a blackjaw' so I tapped 'im in the Chevy Chase, 'ight so.'
⁴ No subtitles. That's cheating.
⁵ Eventually shortening this to 'Guv'.