A QUIET PLACE ....for the guide's BOFs to mutter quietly amongst themselves and to themselves RULES of the Inn All rules are here to be discussed, refined, interpreted and re-interpreted ad infinitum Boring people, aliens, animals and any other life-form requiring entry shall be freely admitted. The Bouncer is nodding off quietly in the corner anyway. Old people, aliens, animals and any other life-form requiring entry shall be freely admitted. Young people are equally welcome, so long as they are old at heart. Liveliness and excitable behaviour will not be tolerated. This is not a Palace of Fun. Farts are neither compulsory nor are they to be noticed in any way whatsoever. Any visitor seen wrinkling their nose in distaste, or looking round to search out the origin, or in some sort of displacement activity to divert attention from their own lack of control or manners will be asked to leave, eventually, sooner or later, after discussion in the Committee. There is no particular requirement to talk in a whiney voice, in a monotone, with shoulders hunched and without making eye contact, but such behaviour is tolerated, if noticed. Similarly, you are free to be loud, obnoxious, rude, opinionated (so long as such opinions have not changed in the last decade) should you wish. If, by chance, anyone is listening and is in any way disturbed by your behaviour you may be asked to turn it down a little old chap/girl, or you may not. Laughing out loud, of course, is acceptable, if done in a braying manner. Rolling around on the floor with laughter is considered excessive and undignified. Micturating in the fireplaces is considered unseemly, especially by our female visitors. Toilets are provided, in the sure and certain knowledge that continence may be one of Life's small problems, dished out in unfair proportions to our visitors. The lemon scented towels in the female toilets are handed out by a particularly nice young man. DRESS CODE Whatever the visitor's life-form, they may wear whatever they wish, wherever they wish, provided only thatIt is not newIt has no lacesREFRESHMENTS are available in infinite variety to suit all tastes, provided only thatThe visitor can attract the attention of the Bar StaffThe visitor can describe exactly their requirements in precise detail, at lengthSMOKING is limited to the Snug and Cellar only and is, as you see, required in the SNUG fireplace (No living wood was damaged in the making of this virtual fire). Many guests will, naturally, smoke from various orifices. For others, pipes are welcome, with requisite fumbling, stuffing, tamping, lighting (and re-lighting) ceremonies, coughing, spluttering and spitting (in the fireplace please)cigars are welcome, provided that you are able to talk at length about the virtues of different brands or leaves, with no diversionary chat about the thighs of dusky maidens, thank you very muchcigarettes are tolerated, but only just, as they can trigger lengthy discussions about the likliehood of horrible diseasesexotic substances are discouraged, as their consumption can lead to occasional levity, which, though boring to watch, may distract from seriously boring and earnest conversations elsewhere.PETS
Pets are not discouraged. There are two permanently wet labradors that appear to be without owners and may, in fact, be customers. Wum, the stuffed squirrel, seems to have disappeared from the snug as do many things/animals/customers. However the fire does keep smouldering away. The snug-hound rattles occasionally but is otherwise healthy. Rover, of course, is a member of staff.CONVERSATION TOPICS
SuggestionsThe virtues of vest wearing (The undergarment, not the jacket)ChristmasGolf (No, please, No!)The weather, including the effects or otherwise of Global Warming or otherwise, perhapsSex (Quantity not quality)Politics (Quality not quantity)The overthrow of the eminently sensible PTB at h2g2 and their replacement with us (who are not!)The relative merits of different Hair ColouringsPaul Newman, his continuing desirability as a role model/object of desireYoung people todayWe have three rooms for your soul to rest in: The SNUG, The SALOON, The CELLAR The Snug with its battered leather armchairs, dead animal heads on the walls, special zimmerframe park, walking stick hangers, hat rack (no hats on the antlers,please) and smoky fire that never quite gets hot enough.The Saloon with its stained oak tables, uncomfortable chairs, too few tables (rickety), golfing prints on the walls, hideous carpet and very strange wallpaper. Horse brasses dangle at the bar. In the fireplace the electric bar fire has flickering coals that flicker no more, on account of the dust covering.The Cellar for subversives and undesirablesSo, please come in, make yourself at home, and none of that fun nonsense, if you don't mind... The COMMITTEE, The SUB-COMMITTEES, The APPOINTEES and STRAYS The Committee is chaired by jr52 renowned gavel banger, ably assisted by the delightful pairing of Mindspring(Unauthorised) and Titania. All the hard work, the lists, the agendas, the surveys and the minutes old and new are actually done by Witty Moniker whilst humming 'Alice's Restaurant' for reasons that cannot be divulged in a public forum.The Sub-committee for Interior Decoration is run by Asteroid Lil in all her resplendent glory, hindered in her search for perfection only by every damn stray punter who thinks they know everything about decoration just because they once saw a programme on television.The Sub-committee for Subversive and Bad behaviour is run, secretly, by Witty Moniker assisted, without her knowledge, by Wumbeevil in his bikini, sadly. The Sub-committee for the Pedants Millenium Party is run by Peet for reasons that will become obvious.The Sub-committee for Supernatural Events and Denim exists but the chair, alas, keeps moving around the room unaided. We only know that Wumbeevil is on it. The sub-committee that is, not the chair, which would not move anywhere if he were sat on it.The Sub-committee for Rover, Security and the exclusion of desirables is headed by that usually scintillating asteroid Lil, unfortunately in her rather messy and disorganised mode, due, primarily to her aversion to blackcurrant jam. The Sub-committee for Capability, Gardening and Rusting Wrecks Whats to say, landscapes matter, especially indoors. Young johnfulton13 needs a firm reminder from time to time, of his place in the order of things, usually in the front seat of his Jaguar with only mice for company.Should you wish to become a cog in the smooth running, well oiled, machine that is The BOF Inn, please apply in the Committee rooms, the sign on the door says 'Middle Age Division' for reasons that no-one is willing to do anything about. THE LANDLORD has regrettably left the country, hotly pursued by the Taxman, the Vatman, the man from the Social Security, the Butcher's wife, the Butcher plus his motley crew of assorted heavies, the lady from the chip shop and a bowler-hatted gent on a bicycle, possibly a Belgian surrealist.The Bar Staff Are controlled, hired and fired by Two Trees Any applications should be addressed to them, on rag-paper, not pulp derived (They get upset) or electronically. The bouncer, or security consultant is Rover, on holiday from a small village in Wales, and presently affixed to the wall of the Committee Room. For the time being we have in the Saloon Pheroneous, a bit of a 'Jack the Lad' whose life hero and role model would be Arthur Daley. In the Cellar, we have that fast ageing hippy Pheroneous, man, who keeps slipping out for unexplained reasons. In the Snug, we regret that we still have the dreadful Pheroneous, but the good news is that he is on his third and final written warning.
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Pheroneous
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