Err, More Tea Vicar?

There are already many perfectly good guide entries on the subject of tea¹. But maybe there is more to say on the subject...

Do we need yet another Guide entry about tea?

Well, yes. During any discussion about the art² of making a Nice Hot Cup of Tea, your avid tea makers will throw in various bits of terminology that only they understand.

This Guide entry is intended to explain the terminology, do-away with the mis-conceptions and dispell the myth that making a Nice Hot Cup of Tea is a pass-time reserved only for weird English people⁴.

A Nice Hot Cup of Tea

Talking about the weather - at length - is a typically English pass-time. In the same way, discussing the method of making a Nice Hot Cup of Tea is also a quintessentially English thing.

_{(I say "quintessentially English" because (a) it is, and (b) having always wanted to use the word "quintessential" in a written sentence, and having not got around to it yet, and having come to the realisation that the word "quintessential" has to be followed by the suffix "ly", which must in turn be followed by the word "English" to justify inclusion in any given sentence, it seemed that now would be as good a time as any to get it over with).}

"Warming The Pot" and "Bringing The Kettle To The Boil"

For example, the very important topic of Warming the Pot. It is commonly suggested that this should be achieved using Boiling Water (as opposed to Boiled Water), which is fine in itself, however, it is just as commonly concluded that the kettle should then be brought back to the boil. No, not if you live in a hard-water area it shouldn't. If you are making your tea using water drawn from a tap in - say - East Kent, then Bringing the Kettle Back to the Boil is the last thing you should be doing. This will only serve to make your tea taste like it has been strained through a one-week-old damp flannel. Instead, it is acceptable to pour some almost boiling water into the pot from the almost boiled kettle, thus allowing the Warming the Pot exercise to be carried out whilst you are still Bringing the Kettle Fully to the Boil.

"Miffas" and "Tiffas"

Also part of your typical English conversation about making a Nice Hot Cup of Tea is the discussion of the various merits of being either a Miffa⁵ or a Tiffa⁶. As you may well know, the Miffa's argument is that you should pour the milk first into the cup, and then add the brewed tea into the milk. This prevents the milk from scalding. The Tiffa's argument is that you should pour the tea first into the cup, then add the milk.

Brewing "In The Cup" and "Floating The Tea Bag"

Occasionally, one may find oneself in the unfortunate position of having tea making facilities, but no pot⁷. In this instance, there is no choice other than to make the tea In The Cup. Here it may be best to initially omit the milk, to ensure that the Boiling Water is, infact, boiling when it hits the tea. It is then acceptable to add the milk afterwards, because scalded milk isn't half as bad as non-diffused tea. Thus, the Tiffa's argument stands. However, the Miffas amongst us would argue that it is just as acceptable to first pour the milk into the cup, then add the tea bag, being careful to ensure that you are Floating the Tea Bag on top of the milk, and then engage in Pouring the Boiling Water Directly Onto the Tea Bag. This will ensure that the tea is diffused, and that the milk is not scalded. So maybe the Miffas are right after all.

Conclusion

Generally, if you can get away with Tiffing, or you were having to make the tea In The Cup, or you forgot about Warming the Pot, Bringing the Kettle Fully to the Boil, or any of the other important concepts which it is typically English to discuss, then it is likely that you won't have made a Nice Hot Cup of Tea. Instead you will have served up a Mediocre Very Warm Cup of Water, Milk and Non-Infused Tea Leaves.

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¹ for example: Tea, Ways of Making a Good Cup of Tea, More than Just a Cup of Tea, Tea: Some Thoughts Occasioned by Coleridge and a Tea Merchant, etc, etc, etc
² Yes, making tea is an art-form, and, as with any art-form³ there are many variations, which can all be - under certain circumstances - equally correct.
³ such as parking outside Woolworths, which will be discussed elsewhere
⁴ and Aussies
⁵ Miffa - Milk First
⁶ Tiffa - Tea First
⁷ for example: when making tea in the office, or worse, in a hotel^8
8 in which case you probably don't have milk at all, rather, you have a small plastic container of some UHT substance purporting to taste "just like fresh milk". In this instance, you are advised to drink your tea without milk, or go down to the bar and have a beer instead.