Milpitas is located just north of San Jose, California, right in the middle of Silicon Valley, a place widely known for its high quality computers and low quality night life. It has a population of roughly 50,000 people, most of whom work in nearby high technology companies such as Adaptec, Quantum, or Mazak.

Due to it being located near the bottom tip of the San Francicso Bay, as well as being downwind from a trash dump, Milpitas is known by its residents as "The Armpit of the Bay Area." Developers have recently decided to capitalize on high housing prices by building large numbers of single family townhouses on formerly empty lots. Older residents have a tendency to reminice about the days when one housing development or another was "just an empty field."

Aside from this, Milpitas is a reasonably harmless place to live. Crime and pollution are minimal, there are no urban areas, California's famous earthquakes are rarely noticeable, housing prices aren't as ridiculous as in other parts of the Bay Area, and a good portion of the buildings are new.

Entertainment

Those seeking entertainment and an exciting night on the town would be well advised to stay away from Milpitas. Milpitas has no night life to speak of, except for a recently erected bar/video arcade named "Dave and Buster's."

Shopping

There are two large shopping areas in Milpitas, the Great Mall of the Bay Area and McCarthy Ranch/Milpitas Square. The Great Mall of the Bay Area (or Great Mall for short) is known for having stores no one in their right mind would spend money at. The central feature of the Great Mall is it's racetrack-shaped layout, which is meant to fool slower-witted shoppers into walking around the mall multiple times and thinking that the mall is larger than it really is.

McCarthy Ranch is a shopping center which has all the stores (and business) that should have gone to the Great Mall. It is filled with enough chain stores and restaurants to keep several divisions of yuppie shoppers amused for months. Adjacent to McCarthy Rance is Milpitas Square, a large strip mall which caters to the large Asian population in Mipitas. At Milpitas Square, there is a store for almost everything, from jewelry to real estate to clothes, books, restaurants, bakeries, even a car dealership right next door.

Eating

Just about the only thing to do in Milpitas is eat. Due to the large Asian population in Milpitas and surrounding areas, there are several good Asian restaurants around. For a quick and (somewhat) nutritious meal, the Tung Kee Noodle Houses in Milpitas Town Center and Lion City fit the bill. For a good sit down meal, Chef Chan's, Wong Kee, Mayflower, Hot Pot City, Kowloon, Natori, and New Sam Kee are just some of the places to sample.

Come to think of it, there aren't many successful non-Asian restaurants in Milpitas, other than chain restaurants.

Other

Hitchikers should try to either go straight through Milpitas without stopping, or avoid it altogether. No Milpitas resident has picked up a hitchiker within the last twenty years.

Watch out for housewives driving sport utility vehicles, especially around 8am and 3pm.

Don't make eye contact with anyone you don't know. Even if you do know them, don't expect any more than the "I acknowledge that you exist" nod.

When your stoplight turns green, wait a few seconds. People have been known to run red lights up to five seconds after their light turns red.