Lightbulb Jokes contributed by Roasted Amoeba
Back to So Long And Thanks For Laughing
Nationalities...
How many Americans does it take to screw in a light
bulb?
Two. One to replace it and one to tell him it was burned out (in states that still have car-inspection laws.)
Three. One to stand on the ladder, and two to carry enough
light bulbs until one is found that isn't defective.
Five. One to screw it in and four to write the environmental impact statement.
250,000,000, one to change it and 249,999,999 to debate
whether it it was politically correct.
How many Native Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they have council fires instead.
How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Three - one to change the light bulb and two to say "Oh
Wow!"
Five - one to screw it in and four to sit in the hot tub
and discuss the environmental impact.
Six. One to screw it in, one for support, and four to share
the experience.
Eleven. One to change it and ten to follow the trend.
How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do the work and 1 to hold the umbrella.
Five. One to screw in the light bulb and four to fend off
all those Californians trying to share the experience.
Nine. One to change the bulb, and eight to protest the
nuclear power plant that generates the electricity that
powers it.
How many hippies from Oregon does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What's a light bulb?
How many Alaskan women does it take to change a light bulb?
"Hey Bob, this is Carol ... I think I have a light bulb out
over here."
How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to get murdered under the burnt-out bulb and the other to replace it after the ensuing publicity.
Five - one to change the bulb and four to protect him from
muggers.
21 - one to change it and 20 to watch it happen without
trying to stop it.
50. 50? Yeah 50; its in the contract.
How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change the light bulb, one to be a witness,
and the third to shoot the witness.
How many West Virginians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, they don't have Eeeeelextrisssity in West
Virginia.
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only one, but he has to see an American do it first.
Four. One to spray green paint onto the bulb so no-one
bashes it with a big stick, one to change it, one to
suggest they all roll a log down a hill to celebrate, and
one to invite all the others round to his log cabin so they
can all watch his moose moult.
Twelve. Four to form a Parliamentary study committee to
decide how to solve the problem, one Francophone to
complain that I didn't translate this joke into French, one
Native Canadian to protest that the interests of Native
Canadians have been overlooked, one woman from the National
Action Committee On the Status Of Women to say that women
have been underrepresented in the process, one to go over
the border to the Niagara Falls Factory Outlet Mall and buy
a new bulb and not pay duty on it on the way back, one to
actually screw it in, one to collect taxes on the whole
procedure so the government can afford it, one to buy a
case of Molson for everybody to drink, and one to drop the
puck.
How many Torontonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but he leaves the old bulb in the parking lot of the
Walden Galleria.
Note: The Walden Galleria Mall, only an hour and a half
away from the Centre of the Universe and just off the
Interstate in Buffalo, New York, was the Mecca of
Torontonians engaging in the old Canadian tradition of
cross border shopping. On a weekend the parking lot would
be so full of Ontario plates you would think that you were
in Canada. Of course you could not legally return to Canada
with more than $25 worth of goods for an afternoon visit
and so thousands of honest, polite and industrious
Canadians were turned into lowlife smugglers. The classic
method for smuggling clothing was "wearing it
back"; and so long lines of cars containing scantily
and poorly dressed Canadians would patiently queue up
Sunday morning to cross into New York State and a few hours
later, miraculously, in the true American tradition of rags
to riches, be transformed into trendy and well attired
Torontonians as they returned home satiated by an intensive
afternoon of power shopping with nothing to declare to
Canada Customs, leaving their rags behind to grace the
dumpsters of the exotic malls of Williamsburg and
Cheektawoga. This all ended with the introduction of Sunday
shopping in Ontario in 1992 and the steadily declining
value of the Canadian dollar.
How many Filipinoes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
We don't know. The new bulb keeps getting shot at the
airport.
How many Englishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
What do you mean change it? It's a perfectly good bulb!
We have had it for a thousand years and it has worked just
fine.
How many Yorkshiremen does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to change it, one to hold his racing pigeon, one to hold his greyhound, and one to drink his pint of bitter.
15. One to change the bulb, and 14 to tell him what a good
batsman Geoffrey Boycott was.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
100. One to hold the light bulb, and a thousand to push the
house round.
How many drunk Irishmen does it take to change a light bulb?
100. One to hold the light bulb, and 99 to drink until the
room starts to spin.
How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ve are asking ze qvestions here!
Two, one to give the order that the bulb be changed and one
to screw it in.
Two, one to put a towel under the lightbulb, and one to
change it the next morning.
How many Belgians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to put some chips with
it.
How many Norwegians does is take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to tell a long story
about it...
How many Argentinians does it take to change a light bulb?
9000 and its their light bulb.
How many Ukrainians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
They don't need to, they glow in the dark.
How many Poles does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes
on strike!
How many Polish-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
170. One to send the Never Fail Novena to the Cheektowaga
Times for publication so St. Jude may grant the light bulb
request, one to say the Last Rites for the old light bulb,
ten volunteer firemen to break into the house and smash the
old light bulb to bits, fifty to protest the abortion of the
old light bulb, ten to organize a lawn fete and spaghetti
dinner at Our Most Holy Precious Blood of the Seventeen
Martyred Saints R.C. Church to raise funds to buy a new
light bulb (and the Monsignor a new pair of bowling shoes as
a gift on St. Stanislaus Day), twenty from Chiavettas
Catering to serve the food, twenty to run the Monte Carlo
gambling tent, fifty to run everything else, one to go to
Koplinskis Appliances to buy the light bulb, one to screw it
in, five to say the Rosary as the bulb is being screwed in,
and the Monsignor to bless it.
How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.
One, and a lot of light bulbs.
Three. One to force the bulb in with a hammer, one to steal
more bulbs, one to ask NYANA for a bigger hammer.
Four. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb, two to
lift the chair by its legs, one to call an American and to
ask which way to turn the chair.
How many African Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to hold the bulb, and one to drive the pink
Cadillac in tight circles.
Four hundred to march on the power company and threaten to
burn it down if they don't hire some African Americans to do
it.
How many Ethiopians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to squabble over who gets
to eat the packaging.
How many Italian-Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I dunno exactly, but my brothers girlfriends fathers boss
secretary's sister's next door neighbors' priest's cousin's
union shop steward's uncle's Knights Of Columbus club
Seargant-of-Arms nephew's best friend did it real cheap for
me once.
How many Italians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it and one to sprinkle it with Parmesan.
Note: (Refers to the Italian restaurant habit of sprinkling
everything with Parmesan, even though it makes everything
smell convincingly of sick.)
How many Asians does it take to change a light bulb?
Three. One to change it and two to go to the cash &
carry.
How many Serbs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two-one to shoot the old bulb out and one to screw the new
one in.
How many Iraqis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
It doesn't matter, they don't have any electricity anymore.
How many Iraqi soldiers does it take to change a light
bulb?
One. He takes it back to Baghdad for safe
keeping.....
How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
One hundred - One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house
hostage.
How many Shiites does it take to change a light bulb?
Four. One to hijack a light bulb, one to commandeer a jet
to Beirut airport, one to hold press conferences, and one to
negotiate with Israel and the US for the release of
fluorescent bulbs held in hostage around the
world!!
How many Israelis does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Six-four to storm the room and take control of it, one to
forcibly eject the old bulb, and another one to screw it
in.
How many Arabs does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it took three U.S. advisors to tell them that
it was burnt out in the first place.
How many Australians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to say "She'll be right mate" and one to fetch
the beers.
16. One to change the bulb and fifteen to stand around and
say "Good on yer, mate!"
Politics...
How many armies does it take to change a light bulb?
At least five. The Germans to start it, the French to give up really easily after only trying for a little while, the Italians to make a start, get nowhere, and then try again from the other side, the Americans to turn up late and finish it off and take all the credit, and the Swiss to pretend nothing out of the ordinary is happening.
How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to change it, and another one to change it
back again.
Four, one to change it and the other three to deny
it.
How many (Generals/Politicians) does it take to change a
light bulb?
1,000,001: One to change the bulb and 1,000,000 to rebuild civilization to the point where they need light bulbs again.
None, they can all see by the light at the end of the
tunnel.
How many US Presidents does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, the constitution says that only Congress can screw in light bulbs, so only Congress is responsible for the dark, which is why we need a Constitutional ammendment.
Only one. If he can handle 250000000 people a day I
think he can handle screwing one extra light bulb.
How many government officials does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One Republican, ten Democrats, and the Supreme Court - to determine its constitutionality.
How many presidential candidates does it take to change a light bulb?
Less and less all the time.
How many believable, competent, "just right for the
job" presidential candidates does it take to change a
light bulb?
It's going to be a dark 4 years, isn't it?
How many presidential campaign staff does it need to change a light bulb?
220! One to write a speech about how good it will be
when the bulb is actually changed, one to write a speech
about why the other candidates can't even spell "light
bulbe", eighteen to find out what the other candidates
did when the light bulb failed, and another two hundred to
find out what the other candidate's families think about
light bulbs, bulbs, pear-shaped objects, light in general,
any form of energy.
How many aides does it take to change President Reagan's light bulb?
None, they like to keep him in the dark.
How many Bill Clintons does it take to change a light bulb?
He doesn't. He whines a while, says "I feel your pain", and gets congress to pass a billion dollar light security bill, and blames republicans and special interests for not making light bulbs free.
None -- He'll only promise "change."
Two -- One to promise he'll" better than anyone else and one to obscure the issues.
How many Limbaugh-heads does it take to change a light bulb?
The number is irrelevant; they just stand around muttering "ditto". And they don't do anything in the first place.
How many people does it take to throw away a one WATT bulb??
Five. A Black, a Jew, two women, and a cripple...
Note: topical to the resignation of Interior secretary James Watt in 1983
Note: Probably the only really good light bulb joke of 1984.
How many Douglas Wilders does it take to screw in a light bulb?
I don't know, he can't decide if he is going to screw a light bulb in or not!
(Douglas Wilder dropped his candidacy for a seat in the Senate for Virginia, but then redecided to run after all.)
How many Chuck Robbs does it to take to screw in a light bulb?
None, Douglas Wilder broke his lamp and Oliver North sold his light bulb to Iran.
How many senators does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two to sponsor the bill and thirty-three to constitute a quorum.
How many Dan Quayles does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One, but it has to be a pretty dim bulb.
How many Kennedys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, at least until we get some corroborating witnesses.
How many Reagans does it take to change a light bulb?
What light bulb?
Note: Topical to Reagan's apparent poor memory.
Just one - Nancy.
Note: Topical to Reagan's dependence on Nancy and her apparent de facto ascent to power in 1987.
How many Reaganists does it take to change a light bulb?
Ten: One to deny that the bulb is burned out, one to clarify the denial ("The bulb is really just dim"), one to blame the bulb burning out on the Carter administration, one to blame the bulb burning out on Congress, one to ask for a Constitutional amendment that will prohibit bulbs from burning out, one to replace the bulb with a kerosene lamp, one to borrow money from the Japanese to pay for the kerosene, one former Reaganist to lobby his old colleagues for a special favour for the kerosene importer, one to cash the cheque for investing in the kerosene importer, one to send the bill to the next generation.
How many Perot supporters does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they all just quit and go home!
How many economists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. If the light bulb really needed changing, market forces would have already caused it to happen.
Two. One to assume the ladder and one to change the bulb.
Two. One to assume the latter (a pun) and change the bulb.
None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
How many Conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The invisible hand does it.
None. "There is no need to change the light bulb. All the conditions for illumination are in place. Recent surveys show growing confidence in the light bulb lighting up again."
None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter !!!
How many supply-siders does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.
How many Liberal Democrats does it take to change a light bulb?
None. "Well it's not really a question of should we change it or should we not change the light bulb, but more a question of...(blah blah waffle)"
How many liberals does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One liberal and twenty eight delegates representing all the social, economic, and ethnic communities.
Two-one to do it and the other to keep the first one's knee from jerking.
None: They can't remove the old ones since they are already part of the environment.
How many Republicans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to do it and one to steady the chandelier.
How many conservatives does it take to change a light bulb?
One; after reflecting in the twilight on the merit of the previous bulb.
How many Labour Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They haven't got a policy on that.
How many libertarians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None, if he wants to sit in the dark, it's his business.
None, because somebody might come into the room who likes to sit in the dark.
How many Green Party members does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they use light bulbs which don't burn out, so they don't know how.
How many MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty-one. One to change it and twenty to form a fact-finding committee to learn more about how it's done.
How many Tory MP's does it take to change a light bulb?
I'm sorry I can't tell you that, the light bulb changing service has been privatised and the information you require is commercially sensitive.
How many Thatcherites does it take to change a light bulb?
None. It's up to the private sector to provide the finance for it.
How many John Majors does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. One to not do anything about it and one to try and blame the failure of the old bulb on the Labour party who put the original bulb in place 17 years ago.
How many Home Secretaries does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None - they merely sack someone else for letting it go out.
How many Union Electricians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Seventeen - One to give the bulb to the screw-inner. One to screw in the bulb. One to hold him on the step ladder. Four to hold the step ladder steady. One to flick the switch to test the bulb. One to make sure that the other bulbs in the room will need fixing. One to supervise. Two to take a coffee break, one to eat lunch, and one to nap. One to plot the best way of breaking into the apartment at night. One to drink gin n tonics with the yuppies.
How many British trades unionists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They cannot interfere with the light bulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour.
How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
How many Communists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two - one to screw it in, and a second to hand out leaflets.
One, but it takes him about 30 years to realize that the old one has burnt out.
How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order an American light bulb.
How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
None, the seeds of revolution and change are within the light bulb itself.
How many running-dog lackeys of the bourgeoisie does it take to change a light bulb?
None, that's the proletariat's work!
Two. One to exploit the proletariat, and one to control the means of production!
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