Top | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z

A

Accumulator

The part of your desk where the In-Box is

ADA

A bad name for your daughter

Anchor

What a ship drops at a port

AOL

An expletive used when the computer crashes

API

When you feel good about yourself

APL

A Programming Language

Apple

Found in a fruit bowl

AppleShare

Cutting a fruit into two or more bits

Applet

A small apple

Archives

Where Noah kept the bees

Artificial Intelligence

Pretending you know something when in fact you don't

ASCII

What to do if you don't know the answery

Assembler

The guy who puts stuff together

Assembly language

A series of grunts, whistles and farting noises usually heard on building sites

Athlon

Saying "Ask Lon." with a lisp

Avatars

What you end up with if you sit on your bottom all day

B

Backslash

What you get from your girlfriend's fingernails when you're good in bed

Backspace

The area of your back you can't reach to scratch

Backup

Revisiting the Austrian Alps

Backup tape

1. The Sound of Music
2. Trying to reattach sticky tape back to its roll

BASIC

A violent reaction through drinking too much Bay rum

Baud

A bed in a telephone exchange. Usually comes with free breakfast

Benchmark

Vandalising park furniture with a penknife

BeOS

A stinging insect that is good with computers

Beta testing

A way to find out if your egg-whisk works

Binary tree

When the tree break in half but keeps growing

BIOS

1. Type of ball point pen
2. Operating system for people who swing both ways

Bitmap

What you are left with when you fight about directions

Blue Screen of Death

What is normally seen when using Windows

Bookmarks

What you get if spill coffee on that novel you're reading

Boot

A device that goes on ones foot in order to produce corns, blisters etc

Boot up

What you want to give to Bill Gates

Border

Someone who pays to stay in your house

Brackets ( ) { } [ ] < >

Things that hold shelves to the wall

Browser

Someone who looks but doesn't buy

Bubblejet

The result of breaking wind in the bath

Bug

Small animal with six or eight legs

Bulletin board

Outcome of firing at and missing the teacher

Burst pipeline cache

Emergency appeal money

Bus

Unreliable public transport

C

C

Big wavey wet thing

C++

1. Not quite as good as getting a B-
2. Control language for submarines

Cache

Oldstyle money

Cache Hits

What untrained cats leave you as presents

CAD

A sleazy fellow who dates several women at the same time

Caps Lock

The bit of elastic that goes under your chin

Case

1. What you hope the prosecution hasn't got against you
2. A brand of farm tractor

Catz

Pet used to turn off the power strip at the worst possible moment in time

CD

The red light district

CD-ROM

1. What you get if you rent cheap in a red-light district
2. Little shiny disk containing dodgy pictures

CD-ROM Tray

Cup holder

CD Writer

Penthouse article author

Chatroom

The ladies toilet at a party

Chip

French fries

Chipset

The equipment used in a fry bar

Client-Server System

We pay the money, you do the work

Clip art

Making sculptures out of office stationery

COBOL

A mythical creature that is popular in D&D

Code

Virus lasting three to five days, causing sore throat and runny nose

Code segment

When a cipher is shredded

.com

My Gran's next door neighbour

Command line

About Turn!

Common Object Model

Miniature copies of everyday items that you assemble from kits

Console

Ahhhh! There there, diddums

Control

What you never have with products written by Microsoft

Control-Alt-Delete

Vulcan death grip

Cookies

Large chocolate chip biscuits that don't last very long because they are so nice

Coral

1. Intricate system of interconnecting routes which breaks down easily
2. Where gunfights in westerns used to take place

CPU

A leaky sheep

Crash

When you hit another car

Crash Dump

What you leave in your shorts after an accident

Cursor

Person who swears a lot

D

Data

The android from Star Trek

Day Trade

Trading your Monday for a Friday or other such trade

Debugger

De guy who sold you de computer

Degaussing

Opening the bedroom window after a particularly bad case of wind

Deskjet

A motor for model aircrafts

Desktop

Where empty coffee mugs, executive toys and occasionally work is found

Dialog Box

A boxing match with excessive commentary

DIMM

Intellectually challenged

Direct Memory Access

Drilling a hole in your skull

DMA

The genetic code of life

Document

What you ask the doctor when you don't understand him

Download

1. What hod carriers do at the end of the day
2. What a baby does in its nappy

DRAM

Make mine a large one! (*HIC*)

DSL

Truck fuel

Dumpster

Made of porcelain, must be flushed after use

Dynamic RAM

Male sheep on Angel Dust

E

E-Banking

What Yorkshire Bank do

E-Commerce

The Halifax branch of WHSmith

EEPROM

Dance for Electrical Engineering students

EMACS

An unsucessful electrified raincoat

Endnote

Your's Sincerely...

Escape Key

Device that unlocks a cell door

Exabyte

An extra-terrestial just bit my leg off

Excel

Something this program fails to do

Execution History

List of people who were given the death penalty

F

Far Pointer

Motorway signpost

FAT

Gravitationally challenged

FIFO

Second most popular name for dogs

File server

The bloke behind the counter in a hardware store

Finger

Found on hands

Firewall

The wall you stand against when you're in front of the firing squad

Firewire

A lit fuse

Flag

Coloured piece of cloth designed to flap in the wind

Flame

A bright yellow wobbly thing that you can't touch and burns you if you try

Flip Flop

Noise made by a type of sandal

Floppy

A side effect of 10 pints of lager

Floppy disk

A frisbee

Floppy Drive

The pelvic thrust of an impotent man

FLOPS

What most people do off a diving board ath the swimming pool

Fortran

1. Military code for 'they surrendered without a fight'
2. America's running shoe respository

Freeware

1. The ugly sweater Grandma gave you for Christmas
2. Birthday suit

FTP

What you do in the dumpster after 10 pints of lager

Function Keys

The ones which aren't broke yet

Fuzzy Logic

How most people think after 10 pints of lager

G

Gates, Bill

1. Similar to a turnstyle, you think you have gone through for free but you pay over the odds in the future
2. Your Plastic Pal Who's Fun To Be With

Gigabyte

What godzilla does to his arch-enemy

GNOME

Small subterranean humanoid creature

GNU

Big, hairy, hard to control

Graphic card

Birthday greeting with a rude picture on it

Green Motherboard

Your computer is damp

GUI

1. A basic description of the gunge that they use in "light entertainment" shows on television
2. Guys who are Ugly International

H

Harddisk

1. A disco fanatic
2. Floppy disk after the use of Viagra

Hard drive

The M6/M25 on a Monday morning

Hardware

Bomber jacket, earring, ripped jeans and a knuckle duster

Heap

What you are left in when your computer crashes

Help

Need some? Then stay away from this section in any piece of software

Hertz

What it does if you drop a desktop on your foot

Hex

Gypsies put this on you if you don't buy their pegs

High level language

How the upper class talk

High Performance PC

One which throws a lot of tantrums

Home

A king's castle

Home keys

Found on a string behind the letter box

Hot Swap

Large group sharing an Indian Take-away

HTML

He Tries, Mainly Loses (school reports)

I

IBM

1. One step above HAL
2. I'd Better Meditate

iBook

Required reading for opticians

Icon

Well respected individual

ICQ

1. Waiting to go ice skating
2. A chilled letter Q

IDE

A young orphan sent to live with her grumpy grandfather in the Swiss Alps

iMac

Mini-raincoat that fits on your eyelid

IMAP

Microfiche contact lenses

Index

Where playing cards are stored

Inkjet

An oldfashioned airplane

Integer

Where the jam's kept

Internet

1. Worldwide committee for the promotion and sponsorship of fishing
2. Where fishermen hope all fish will go

Internet Explorer

Worker to untangle fish caught in fishing net

InterNIC

International criminal organisation, direct opposite to InterPOL

Interrupt

What people always do when you're playing solitaire

IP

First person term for what one does when they had to much water

IRQ

What someone does when they slightly upset you "Irk you"

IT services

The people who know least about computing at your workplace

J

Java

An island near Australia

Javascript

1. An essay after coming into contact with a spilt mug of coffee
2. The cineplay for Krakatoa

JOTD

You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me

JPEG

Used to hang up wet Jcloths

Jumper

Knitted woolen item of clothing

K

Keyboard

A wooden rack with hooks on which to hang your keys

Key Lock

What other sort is there

Kilobyte

1. Can only be done by people with very big mouths
2. Death by mastication

KiloFLOPS

A particularly bad dive off a diving board

L

Lag

1. Insulation around a boiler
2. A type of bolt

LAN

Lawyers Are Nicompoops

LART

1. Luser Attitude Readjustment Tool. It can be a half-brick or a plank or even a claymore (sword or mine makes no difference)
2. Light Armament- Recoil Type

Laserjet

A craft found in Star Wars

LISP

A programming impediment

Log

Tree after it has been cut down and into several pieces

Log File

Someone who likes segmented trees

Logic Circuit

A tour of Albert Einstein's house

Logitech

A computer tech that actually makes sense

Luser

A system adins term for those that use the network

M

Machine language

A series of beeps and whistles

Macintosh

1. A brightly coloured raincoat
2. Computer with training wheels you can't remove
3. Most Applications Crash, If Not, The Operating System Hangs

MacsBug

An insect in your raincoat

Mass Storage

Where the padre keeps his sermons

Megabyte

What people do to food when they are really hungry

MegaFLOPS

FLOP from the highest diving board. That's gonna hurt!

MegaHertz

1. How you feel once you have done a megaFLOP
2. What it does if you drop a server on your foot

Memory

A gland possessed by all female mammals

Menu

Document listing food and beverages available to order

Microchips

French Fries for Smurfs

Microfiche

An anchovy

Microsoft

A pygmy without Viagra

Millenium bug

A type of millipede

MIME

A type of street entertainer

Monitor

1. Person who stands at the front of the class and gives out the pencils
2. What the government does to you

MOD

A squad on TV in the sixties

Modem

What a redneck landscaper does to lawns

MOO

Noise a cow makes

Motherboard

When your mother lives with you

Mouse

Small white rodent that is hated by cats

Mouse Button

Device which triggers a mouse trap to fire

Mouse mat

Where your cat leaves small dead animals for you to tread on

Mouse pad

Where beatnik mice live

Mouse Pointer

Pest Exterminator's assistant

MP3

The third politician

MSDOS

Kills all known operating systems. Dead!

MSN

What something is when you can't find it

MUD

Wet soil

Multimedia

Buying more than one newspaper

Multitasking

1. Screwing up several things at once
2. More than one pair of hands

Multithreading

Weavers do this on a loom

Multiuser

Manipulating more than one person

MySQL

My place of learning (see SQL)

N

Named pipe

A piece of cylindrical tubing with a name

NE2000

Not picky about which two thousand items to choose

Net bandwidth

Bandwidth after tax

Netscape

When there are too many fishermen

Network

What Fishermen do when ashore

Network Card

Fishermen use these for keeping track of net repairs

Newby

A cartoon dog who never really caught on

Nibble

What you do when you see a cookie

NIC

What often happens while shaving

Node

What Vicks(tm) clears

Not gate

A garden fence

Num Lock

Wrestling move

Numeric Co-Processor

Abacus

O

Object Oriented

Materialistic

Office Assistant

Spotty teenager on work experience who thinks they know everything but is just totally out of place and generally hated by everyone they come in contact with

OpenGL

A convertible

Operating System

Cut, adjust, sew

Optical disks

Posh word for eyes

Oracle

Wise person

Outlook

The weather forecast

P

Packet

What one must do to a suit case

Packet Loss

What the post office does regurly

Parallel ports

Dover and Folkestone, for instance

Parity bits

Beak, claws, plumage etc

Parity error

"Peices of seven, peices of seven"

PCI

One's eye when chopped into pieces

Pascal

Pale colours, much used in decoration

PC

A restrictive way of talking so as not to offend anyone at all

PCMCIA

1. An ultra top secret American organisation
2. People Can't Memorise Computer Industry Acronyms

Pentium

A five sided shape

Perl

A semi-precious language

PET

Domesticated animal

Petabyte

What an angry H2G2 Community Editor may do

PHP

Noise made by arrow striking target

PICO

A rare type of pokemon

Ping

1. sound made by a small bell
2. An early version of the game PONG

Pipe

Cylindrical tubing

Pixel

Small person who wears a strange green hat and sits on toadstools at the bottom of Enid Blyton's garden

Polygon

A dead parrot

Pong

When it smells

POP

A carbonated beverage

Powerbook

What a wizard uses to cast spells

Powerpoint

What you plug the toaster into

Power Strip

A striptease at high speed

Power Surge

What happens after that 5th cup of morning coffee

Primary Key

The key to one's house

Printer

A person who can't write incursive

Program

In favour of the Metric System

PROM

1. A concert held at the Albert Hall
2. Beside the seaside
3. A dance for 12th grade students

Protocol

Person you bring in after you've botched things up

Punched card

A wag who's been slapped

Python

A snake

Q

Quicktime

When everything seems to be happening much too fast

R

RAID

Drug bust

RAM

1. A male sheep
2. What one does with ones head into the desk after their computer crashes
3. What one does with ones head into the desk after Windows crashes

RAMBUS

A form of public transport run by sheep

Ram Charger

A model of 1960's Chrysler automobile

Ram Chips

Left behind by male sheep

Ram Doubler

Cloning machine for male sheep

Realplayer

What you see when you watch a live music performance

Recycle Bin

Treasure trove for homeless people

Register

1. Used to make sure kids aren't bunking off school
2. What you do to get access to the computer
3. Device used at shops for ringing up purchases

Resolution

"I will buy a better monitor"

ROM

1. A drink for sailors
2. "The Space Knight" a comic book character from the 1970's

S

Scanner

A device used by dyslexic workmen to undo nuts and bolts

Screensaver

Heavy duty steel cage that is found over the windscreen of riot squad transit vans

Scroll Bar

Where scribes went to drink in the middle ages

Scroll Lock

1. Wax seal used to identify sender of a document
2. To avoid others looking at your secret scrolls

Scroll Wheel

Ancient device used to roll and unroll parchment

SCSI

Gillian Anderson in the X Files

SCSI Driver

Way to get a Spanish taxi

Search Engine

1. What the Fat Controller sends out to look for Thomas when he gets lost
2. What the cops do after they find contraband in your car boot

Serial Number

Barcode on the box of cornflakes

Serial Port

1. Where they load the grain onto ships
2. Anywhere they export a lot of cornflakes
3. An unlikely but delicious combination

Server

1. The one who tosses the tennis ball in the air and hits it with a raquet
2. Another name for a waiter

Servlet

A dwarf waiter

Shareware

Hand-me down clothes

Shell

1. Home of a limpet
2. A brand of motor fuel

Shift

What you have to do when someone else wants to use the computer

Shift key

One that will only open the door if you wiggle it about a lot

Silicon graphics

A series of cartoons on prison cell walls

SLIP

What may happen if you are not careful when walking on icy ground

SMTP

Special type of American Indian tent

Socket

Small sock

SOCKS

Often found in pairs, or on their own in an empty washing machine

Software

Comfy clothing

Sound Board

Part of a piano that amplifies the music

Soundcard

1. Plastic form of credit for use at HMV
2. A card that is not about to fall to bits

Space Bar

A social club for aliens

Space invaders

Fleas inside a blonde's ear

Spam

A processed meat product in a tin

Spreadsheet

What you do when making your bed

Speaker

The guy talking at the front of the auditorium

SQL

Where kids hate going

SSH

Be quiet

SSL

Stockbroker with a speech impediment

Stack

Ordered pile of programmers

Stack pointer

A guy who goes around indicating where the piles are

Start menu

A list of appetisers

State Space

A typical teenager's bedroom

Static RAM

1. Dead male sheep
2. Male sheep with bits of paper stuck to its wool

String

Entwined pieces of yarn used to tie things up

Stuffit

What you say when your computer won't work

Subroutine

Daily life on a U-boat

Subwoofer

1. A footrest
2. A dog on a U-boat

Sun

1. A big fiery ball at the centre of the solar system
2. Popular tabloid Newspaper

Superuser

Someone who's very good at manipulating others

Surge Protector

1. A Condom
2. Person who stops you from drinking that 12th can of Surge

Swap File

Exchanging abrading tools with your co-worker

Switch

What you do when you don't like the program on the TV channel you're watching

SyQuest

A depressing adventure

T

Tab

1. Where you bet on how long it will be until your computer crashes
2. A brand of diet soda

TCP Stack

Bottles of antisceptic standing one atop the other

Teleconferencing

A discussion about last night's EastEnders

Templates

1. Part of a large dining set
2. Paper plates

Terabyte

1. Falling on your face in the dirt
2. A shark just bit my leg off

Terminal

Deadly

Text

When someone becomes a Texan

Three Finger Salute

Common salute given to Windows

Tracker

A brand of cereal bar

Trashcan

Emptied once a week by the local council

TSR

Someone who says mean things about you

TWAIN

1. Technology Without An Interesting Name
2. Wot a wabbit uses wen making a TWIP

U

UNIX

1. Slang for you are illegally removing something
2. Operating systems without balls

URL

1. A British peer
2. Something people in Boston add to their engine

USB

1. South America
2. An American stinging insect that makes honey

User

Someone who manipulates others

User-friendly

Someone who is nice to junkies

V

Vacuum Tube

Pipes used to suck dirt up off the floor

VB

2 stages before VD

Video Board

Committie that votes on what programs are shown on TV

Video Card

Needed at Blockbuster to rent movies

VIC-20

Like WD-40 for your nose

Virtual Memory

A dream

Virtual RAM

A holographic male sheep

Visual BASIC

Watching someone have a violent reaction from drinking too much Bay rum

Voice recognition software

Posh word for ears

Volume Label

The word under the knob that controls the sound level

W

WAN

Past tense of won

WinCE

A facial expression implying pain or displeasure

Windows

1. Device allowing user to look through walls
2. Something out of which you jump when the power fails and you lose a large program
3. Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

Windows 95/98/2000

Very big houses

Windows Explorer

1. A very timid adventurist
2. Peeping Tom

WOM

The utlimate in data security, Write Only Memory

WOMBAT

File to access WOM

Word processor

The guy who decides if a word should be added to the language

World Wide Web

Home to a very large spider

WORM Drive

Plough

WTB

Will Try Better

WYSIWYG

1. Brightly coloured toupée, normally worn by clowns, that rotates violently
2. 22 points in Scrabble

X

XML

The odour of old omlettes

XTerm

A person who has served a jail sentance

X Windows

Device that would allow you to look through walls, but it has been boarded up because it got smashed

Y

Y2K

Postcode for an obscure bit of Yorkshire

Z

Zip drive

1. The M6 north of Manchester on a Saturday afternoon
2. Dragster racing

ZIP File

When you send the information by Express Post

ZOO archive

Method of miniaturising safari park animals

Top | A | B | C | D | E | F | G | H | I | J | K | L | M | N | O | P | Q | R | S | T | U | V | W | X | Y | Z