Squirrels - Rodentia Sciuridae Sciurus - these seemingly benign rodents are soulless minions of evil with black hearts of coal. Cold and calculating, these creatures are hell-bent on the subversion of humanity. While some might argue that beings so cute would be incapable of such acts, this emotional argument isn't based on hard fact. While some creatures have camouflage, large pointy fangs, or other natural defenses, the squirrels use their immense intellect and natural good looks to fend off natural selection. While at present, humans are the dominant species on the planet, displacing indigenous species at will, squirrels are not content with their lot in life and have designs on our illustrious post. Their evil plans of world domination include the subversion of the entire human race, making us little more than slaves to do the work they cannot (being that we have opposable thumbs and all).

Have you ever noticed a squirrel sitting in a tree that appears to be intently starring with intelligent eyes into your home or work? Have you ever observed a squirrel scampering along after as you walk alone on a wooded path? Have you ever seen gangs of squirrels wearing little black ninja suits rappelling down the side of a building shortly before a large explosion rocks the night air, only to be later blamed on a gas main bursting?

Well, I may not have either, but these feats, and more, are being perpetrated daily by gray, red, black, and winged rodents across the world, who, with minds immeasurably superior to ours, regard this Earth with envious eyes, and slowly and surely, they draw their plans against us.