Telephone answering machines are designed to make your life easier.
They answer your phone for you after a certain number of rings, and play
a recorded message1. Some answering machines come with a pre-recorded
message, although many people prefer to record their own message even if a pre-recorded one is present. These recorded messages
have a few universal features. One is that no matter who is recording
the message, they will always be shocked at how it
sounds2. Another is that even people who have
written out a script will litter the message with ums and errs, or may
even miss out some of their carefully scripted words, leading to a
completely unintelligible message.
Another feature of answering machines is their talent for screening
the messages left for you, enabling all-important information to become
obscured 'because of the vagaries of tape' (even digital answering
machines will provide you with this excuse). For example, you come home
to three messages, two which are 'fashgfjrj-click', and probably from a
telesales person, another which is Mr Whfile from Ahgract Pingplibs with
a message to tell Miss Eleblob that her six ridged FlibbleFlavs are
ready.
More modern answering machines enable you to hear your messages by accessing them from any other telephone. This seems like a good idea at first, but it
is, unfortunately, hopelessly addictive, and generally frustrating. You
phone your home phone number, and then when the answering machine
answers, you dial in a code, at which point an American female informs
you 'Common mailbox – no messages. Press star for help'. Soon you find
yourself checking for messages, not only during your lunch break at work,
but every hour you are out of the house, calling from your mobile 'just
in case someone needs me'.
An improvement in this service is clear. Instead of your machine
just informing you of a lack of messages, it could also let you know
what else is going on: 'Common mailbox – no messages. Postman has
been – two parcels, four bills, and a postcard from your friend in
Bermuda. Electricity man attempted to call – nobody to answer, as a result you will receive a wildly inaccurate bill in the fullness of time.'
1 Letting the person who's phoning you know that you are unavailable to take calls.
2 Though perhaps this is just a property of hearing your
own voice recorded...
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