Before opening the door to your fast food restaurant, check that you have the following:

• Mild to moderate hunger.
• Money.
• You're not on a calorie-controlled diet.

Also check that your chosen fast food outlet is open. To do this check your watch against the 'opening hours' sign as displayed on the outside of the outlet. Failure to observe this rule may result in prosecution for trespass or damage if you attempt to open the outlet outside these times.

Some models of fast food outlets require certain safety precautions to be taken before opening the door. These precautions are stated clearly on the fast food outlet's exterior and may include:

• Protective clothing ('Shirts must be worn on the premises').
• Special footwear ('No roller-skating').
• Specific requirements for protective headgear ('No crash helmets').

Upon entering the outlet, you should carefully look around for dangerous obstacles, such as children, furniture, and in particular 'wet floor' signs.

Locate the service counter of the outlet and examine the menu suspended on the ceiling behind this area. At this time you will be harassed by several attendants all wishing to take your order. Many of these attendants will be wearing ID badges. No useful information is displayed on these badges, so continue to study the menu.

After you have spent some time analysing the menu, attempt to attract the attention of one of the attendants who were, only minutes ago, giving you the full benefit of their attention. This is the hardest part of the fast food outlet user procedure.

When you have attracted their attention, state your order, clearly, and slowly. For example: 'Double burger, large fries, and an orange juice'.

When asked if you would like fries with that, do not waste time replaying your previous request in your head, and just answer 'yes'.

When your order is ready, take your change and tray to a vacant table, and proceed to dissect your burger. Remove the excess limp lettuce, tomato, and mysterious green things from the top of your burger and proceed to eat. New users may find this experience disturbing, but you will soon get used to it.

Remember to guard your tray until you have finished all the food you plan to eat, to avoid the overzealous attendants who delight in cleaning your table while you are still using it.

When you are finished, tip your leftovers and debris into one of the self-service disposal chutes around the outlet, placing the empty tray on top of the chute. Do not drop the tray into the chute - the trays are recycled and reused for future customers.

Take the same care when leaving the fast food outlet as you did when you arrived. When you are safely outside, immediately forget your experiences, and go and have lunch.