Don’t get stuck behind the velvet rope! If you're determined to flog your big screen opus at this year's Cannes Film Festival, read our nifty Survival Guide. Festival veterans Anita Lewton, Paul Brett, Jo Maurice and Dan San of the New Producers Alliance offer their tips on schmoozing the likes of Tom Hanks, Quentin Tarantino, Harvey Weinstein, and maybe a few French people too...

Amphibious wannabes are growing in numbers year by year, thinking they can get into restricted areas on the Croisette by wading up the beach. Anita Lewton advises against this, saying, "If you think that's a cunning plan, watch out for the men with rottweilers whose job it is to catch you." 'Nuff said. Get a pass instead, but be sure to apply early as there are many different types and there can be a lot of bureaucracy. Check the official site for details.

"Read trade papers like Screen International and Variety to target the people you want to speak to," says Paul Brett. Leading up to the festival, they publish guides on who'll be attending and what their angle is. You can get these free at hotels on the Croisette, then go to the UK Film Centre or the Kodak Theatre in the International Village where you'll find a contacts directory as well as general information and guidance.

"People don't want scripts," insists Brett. "It's very clumsy, hard to carry around and nobody reads them." Simply, execs are too busy wheeling and dealing. "What you cannot do enough," Brett adds, "is practise your pitch." If you end up in a lift with Jeffrey Katzenberg you don't want to get tongue-tied. PS Don't economise by living on baked beans. (See No.7)

"You cannot take enough business cards," Brett asserts. "It's all about networking and marketing and a business card is your best marketing tool." Ensure your phone number includes the full international dialling code or you could miss the call that changes your life. It may've worked for ET but in Cannes, alien brainwaves won't get you on the network with Steven Spielberg.

Avoid a court injunction for stalking and time your pitch carefully. "After 5pm, all anyone wants is a drink," Lewton reckons. You can pass your card and make a sly pitch, but keep it informal. Also, if you can't afford the whole stay, attend in the middle days. "Everybody goes for the opening weekend," says Jo Maurice, "which means it's absolutely chocka and nobody's got time to talk to you." Conversely, "it's absolutely dead on the second weekend."

"If you wear a suit, people will think you're a sales agent," warns Dan San. Instead, he suggests you "pack lots of fresh T-shirts and wear comfortable shoes. You'll be walking up and down the Croisette all day." It's roughly a kilometre end to end, so don't forget your deodorant either. Glitzy eveningwear is a must for red carpet events, which you can buy tickets for if you're quick and "relatively fragrant".

You can sustain yourself with free and/or cheap booze and canapés at countless parties along the Croisette in the evening, but you will have to be up early the next morning. "Having a hangover in Cannes is irrelevant," insists Maurice. "Everyone has a hangover in Cannes all day, all the time. Be punctual and be perky even if you don't feel like it."

Let's face it: if you're reading this, you're not Tom Cruise. Count your blessings! "You're bound to have one day when you decide you're an amoeba on pond scum," says Maurice. "Cannes does that to you because it's designed with a pecking order." So when you're feeling down, visit La Petite Majestic behind The Grand Hotel, where fellow Brits congregate to drown their sorrows late into the night. Just make sure you're up early the next day...

Stella Papamichael | Published 20 April 06

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