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How much does it take for a man to resort to extreme measures? In my case, one drunken night, two late night clubs and one (1) extremely unsatisified floosie. For that's how long it took me to realise that the current state of affairs cannot go on any longer. Cursed by a shyness that would make Morrissey turn pale, I regularly rely on alcohol to get me into that talkative mood. More often than not nothing will come out of my nights out & I'll end up going home alone, crying myself to sleep. Occasionally though, I'll get lucky - as they tend to say - and manage to lure a female into the safe & comfortable surroundings of my parent's home. As any man can tell you, 'doing the nasty' and alcoholic beverages do not mix that well - which might well be an indicator of how unsatisfied I left that particular floosie behind. Convinced that something had to be done, I set out to do some research on the topic on the Internet. This online journey took me well beyond the boundries of common decency into the dark crevices of the most vile apsects of human nature. It took me at least two cups of Celestial Seasonings "Tension Tamer" to get back into a state resembling mental sanity. I know that ever since Homer's "Odyssey" hit the New York Times best-sellers list several thousand years ago, man is well aware that to reach a certain goal, long journeys as well as sacrifices must be made. Hence, I tried to carry the burden of what I had just witnessed with the utmost dignity - but it was not easy going, let me tell you that. However gruesome my online journey may have been, the oracle of flacidness had spoken; I had found my answers and knew what I needed to get. As it turns out, in 1886, a Swedish pharmacist by the name of Per Svensson patented a device called the "Knülla Vacüm Pömpe", a device he invented in aid of all Swedish women who were having difficulties with their hard-drinking spouses. After several customers were called in to the emergency room, Svensson abandoned his invention and would eventually die penniless in 1904. Approximately a century after Svensson's discovery, the Japanese corporation "Suckitome" picked up on the idea and launched the first ever massproduced vacuumpump (the much acclaimed Kobe1000 - a device which according to the label promised "earthshattering results"). Since then, other companies have embarked on the vacuumpump market and there is a diverese selection of brands and models on offer. Entering the vacuumpump arena as a novice, I was ill-equiped to make an informed decision. Does a "Adult Entertainment Industry Thumbs Up" seal of approval actually hold any value? Should I go for an electric pump or is a manual pump perhaps a safer idea? Do the second-hand models on Ebay come with an instructions manual, or could I possibly find a copy of the manual online? Also, how big is small actually? As you can see, many questions went unanswered. Luckilly for me, I stumbled upon the vacpump.org forum. This particular forum is run by and for vacuumpump users and it deals with issues ranging from warranty claims to user tips. It proved to be quite helpful in making an informed decision. Especially thanks to the wonderful advice of a vacpump.org member called Rod3", I decided that the ThunderPump IV was the one for me. On first glance, the Thunderpump IV does not seem that different to its infamous precursor, the Thunderpump II. However, closer inspection will reveal that the plastic used in the newer model is of a more durable quality thus providing a more satisfying grip. Additionally, the colour pink on the handle of the pump has been toned down one shade, which is certainly more aesthetically pleasing to the eye. They also claim that the all-new (and patented) EZ Seal, incorporates NASA space technology which should guarantee a 100% airtight fit. As far as the workings of the pump go, I really cannot complain. When I practised its usage it did indeed live up to its promises and 'saluted the flag' as they say in military circles. However, the instructions manual that came with the pump was apparently for the Asian market, as I could not discern any English on it anywhere. When I wanted to complain about this and called the service number listed on the box, it put me through to an American sex hotline which I was not best pleased with (coincidentally, this has sent my phonebill through the roof). Lastly, the so-called space technology 'EZ Seal' must have been made from some obscure type of rubber, as 2 hours after usage of the pump a reddish rash broke out which would continue to cause a burning sensation for the next 2 days. Thankfully, my mum had some aloe-vera crème at the ready which did relieve some of the discomfort. THE VERDICT: Allthough the Thunderpump IV looks appealing and gives exactly the results it promises, its aftersales service leaves something to be desired to. As usage of the pump causes a rash, the product is virtually unusable which prompts me to give it only 2 out of 5. If there's any better products out there, I'd be happy to hear about them.
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